sixty eight.

there is a chance that nothing pains the heart so much as inadequacy. the feeling that despite your best intentions, your highest hopes, your hardest efforts, you stumble, you fall, you give up, and are defeated. how do we see grace when we feel such shame, that the only place we seem capable of looking is down?

hope is found in people. in stories in which God reaches to the least and pulls out the greats - did david not fall? did peter not doubt? but i know the end of their stories, i know what great things they did and the inspiration they've brought to others. i can't see the end of my story. all i can see right now is that which surrounds me, which i cannot seem to recognize right now.

Sixty seven.

All over the radio, papers, and online journals we're hearing things about the situation that has re-transpired in the middle east. I heard a quote from someone. He said that peace would be ideal, but they must finish this battle to the bitter end.

Why must the ending to so many a story in our world be bitter? I want to place faith in 2009, that it may bring something new. But this hope is based on one day that marks the change in a number, not a change in our world. So I just hope in tomorrow I guess. That maybe people might be able to see that we're missing what matters far too often.

Sixty six.

Somedays aren't yours at all,
They come and go as if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than your, colder than yours.

They come in all quiet, sweet up and then leave
And you don't hear a single floor board creak
They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side.

-somedays, regina spektor

I've been listening to this pretty song lately. Singing a long loudly, listening quietly.

Sixty five.

we wish you a merry christmas

christmas is upon us. it is upon me. in recent years, i have found it more and more important to take time to sit down and just reflect. growing up, it was easy to get distracted by the popularized version of christmas, which had me excited for acquiring new things. while that is a nice part of christmas for sure, it is by no means the most important aspect of it.

jesus.

what child is this?

as a christian this is the reason christmas holds any meaning to me. i respect that there are a large variety of reasons for which this season is important to others. to me, this is it. he is it. what gift should i be more happy to recieve than this? the christ child, God as human, savior. his coming foretold, his role of infinite value, and his beginnings... so humble.

away in a manger...

the complete lack of gandeur in his coming touches my heart so deeply. peace, justice, equity - these things i seek and hope for. these things i find in him. named a king, yet his beginnings are marked with circumstances rich with meaning. his mother and father rejected from lodging and forced into a stable - did they think that they'd failed God because they couldn't bring his son to the world in a better place? the first told are shephards - of a very low class in that society, and yet they matter just as much. That's my favoirte part. And the wise men.

following yonder star

they saw the star. they followed. would i have? perhaps with the wisdom and training they had to know such things. perhaps.

o come, o come, emmanuel

jesus. how wonderful is his name to my ears and my heart. may i never consider myself more worthy than the manger, may i always see the value in the shephards of the world first, may i see the sacrifice and love that was brought into the world with that baby who became a savior, and may i replicate these things in my daily life to others.

so have yourself a merry little christmas now

merry christmas everyone. we are so blessed.

Sixty four.

i find myself cycling through frustrations of late.

it goes: doing well, really happy, get a little down, frustrated at self, over think everything, cool down, feel better, doing well... and so on.

i look at some of the people i admire, and how easy going a lot of them are. i'd like to think i'm like that. the truth is i'm not. i think a lot. i over think. i'm sensitive. i'm insecure. it's better than it used to be. it's nowhere near where it should be. and here comes the frustration - i know what my problem is, at least i think i do, but i seem incapable of helping myself out. nor do i want anyone's help. undesireable emotoin equates to undersirable me in my head. is this truth? no. does that change how i feel? no.

then i think about it, and realize that i assume this one change will make things better. my utopia is me easy going. it seems a little ridiculous. i seem a little ridiculous.

you know what i realized today, other than that it's stupid cold in winnipeg? that the only person who will be around for the whole extent of our lives is ourselves. this is both sobering and encouraging to realize. how many people have gone before me, dealing with so much more than i have to "struggle" through? that means that we're equpit to get through things. others help, but we ultimately make these decisions right? right.

strength for the day. hope for tomorrow. so i'm off to bed.

We Interrupt this Blog for a Special Announcement...

COME COME COME!
There's only space for 110 people. Doors will open at 6:30.
It should be mega rad!

Sixty three.

I have beautiful friends!
A wonderful family!
An absolutely fantastic boy!
Youth that warm my heart!

It is good to be reminded of such beautiful things.

Sixty two.

The tone of this post will be a bit of a contrast from the last, but that's okay.

A few things getting me down of late (though in general i am feeling quite happy).

1. i was listening to the news and heard about the walmart employee who was killed on black friday because a crowd broke down a door and trampled him. i almost started to cry. that sums up a lot of what is wrong with the society we're in. i don't want to get going on some anti-capitalist rant, but it just broke my heart that a sale ended up being more important to people than a man's life. i wonder what kind of things he liked to do with his free time? how is his family doing? was he in love with someone and now that's ruined? i just don't understand.

2. it's honestly been about a month and a half since i've been able to sleep in. i go to bed late and i get up by 8am. my body is so so tired. it's telling me that i'm not being fair, but school and work are just taking priortiy right now. i'm gettng sick. today i worked from 9-3 and right now i'm home and my face is burning but everything else is cold. i feel miserable and sorry for myself and then frustrated becasue i'm being a whiner.

3. my time is just slipping away from me. i have been putting off getting together with beautiful friends whom i adore bceause i just can't go out right now. school is too hectic. it's sad when i have to tell meghan and ashli that i can't hang out for weeks in a row. and i always feel like my time with the boy is so limited. this week i may not see him at all. that's awful. he has been my anchor in all this. makes me feel like i can count on at least one thing to make sense and be dependable.

4. money right now is a bad scene. my parents have been champs in helping me out, but they shouldn't have to be. i've not been very responsible and i need to really not let this happen again.

when all this is done, i will do the following things and they will make me happy:
-i will sleep in. nothing stirs prior to 10am
-i will see the boy. and give him a million hugs.
-i will read my bible.
-i will read books that i am chooosing to read. in bubble baths.
-i will wrap gifts and make them beautiful
-i will write skits for youth
-i will paint things

Sixty one.

Okay. So I think we spend a lot of time thinking of things that we don't like about ourselves. I don't like this. There hasn't been a person in this world that I've met that I can't see something beautiful in. It's true.

We find what we're looking for. When we have bad days, they often seem to get worse and worse, because we stop looking for beautiful things around us. We limit our sight. But when we consciously think to look for beauty, we will find it. I think that everyone should find bit of their beauty. To look for it every now and then.

So here's something about me that I like.
I really try hard to take notice of things that are easy to overlook, and look for moments in the day that are very small, but are big to me because no one else notices or sees them. Here come examples:

-I like how every time I use a hand blow dryer, I get frustrated at first with how my hands never ever seem to be drying. But there always comes that point where you suddenly notice that they're pretty much done. It's an instant shift. It never seems gradual. It's exciting.

-I love to kick slush off of mud flaps. It's so satisfying.

-I like watching people on the bus. I like seeing them smile to themselves, and hope it's because something in their life is lovely.

-I like to pray for people I see on the street, or at university. Sometimes when I see a girl crying alone, I pray for her and wonder how many people are doing that for me and I don't know it. It's kind of neat. I like that they don't know.

-I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from listening to a song that fits my mood or thoughts perfectly. It makes me feel connected to bigger things than just myself.

-When I get an outfit just right, I feel really pretty and awesome.

-Cuddling and hand holding are wonderful and make me feel warm inside.

-When one of my jr youth girls calls me about something that's going on in her life, I feel complete. Like I'm doing something right.

-When we have our Christmas tree up, sometimes I'll get out of bed late at night with a blanket and lay on the floor beside it looking up at the lights. It's so beautiful.

-I like it when my brother and I have good conversations.


-...There's so much more I wish I could put down. But this will do for now.

Oh beautiful world. I love you.

Sixty.

sometimes we have to listen.
other times we have to think on our own.

sometimes we have to decide.
sometimes, delaying is the best choice.

sometimes we are alone.
other times we just feel like we are, because we're not hearing what we want to.

sometimes we right, sometimes we're wrong.

all the time we learn.
we learn who our friends are.
we learn what we're made of.
we learn what's important.
and most importantly, we learn about ourselves.

life: it's about trust, it's about grace, it's about risk, it's about love.
it's about knowing when care is at the core of someones words, and dwelling on that before anything else because you trust their friendship. it's about grace for when we are wrong, and grace when we are right. it's about taking risks when we make a decision and don't know the outcome. and it's about love. loving one another and seeing love in one another.

it's just hard sometimes.

Fifty nine.

Twenty two.

Today I turned twenty two.
It was a very lovely day. All of it.

Fifty eight.

New York and Jesus.

These two things sum up my thoughts right now.

New York.
Yesterday night I returned from a whirlwind adventure in New York, where I attended Mennonite Central Committee's United Nations Office's 13th Annual Student Seminar on Global Food Security. It was super interesting and a great experience all around. I got to lean a lot about a topic I didn't know very much about and also got to see the city and have fun with my friend Jenna. It's a pretty neat place which I plan to return to with more free time and a digital SLR. I came back thrilled with the experience, and definitely thinking really hard about my role as a global citizen and christian when it comes to responding to the various challenges our world faces.

Jesus.
Having been raised in a home devoted to the Christian faith, it struck me and humbled me to realize how little I know Jesus. At one point later in high school, I realized that my faith was based entirely on the convenience of having been raised in that context. After a brief struggle I made the conscious choice to be a person of faith on my own accord. Since then I've had a number of really meaningful experiences and have grown a lot.

But today it hit me how little I've been putting into my relationship with Jesus lately. It broke my heart actually. The realization that my hearts been in the wrong place for a while is both humbling and shameful. I constantly advocate for Christians to not drift into apathy and to consider the meaning of their actions and choices. To not act on Religious Auto-pilot. Then... bam. I realize that I've been drifting that way.

So here we go. Auto-pilot is off. Religion rejected, faith embraced anew, and Jesus and I scheduled for many a friend-date.

Fifty six.

This is a post about sisters. As in, my sister and I.
She moved to Hamilton this year and I miss her. She comes back in December which I am greatly anticipating, but that will still be the longest we've ever been apart aside from the three years that she was alive and I hadn't quite gotten around to that yet.

She's my absolute favorite friend.
Right now I'm listening to the Regina Spektor song that finishes "Prince Caspian". This is probably a bad call because it's making me cry a little. It's a beautiful song.

The Call - Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope.
Which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder until it was a battle cry.
I'll come back when you call me.
No need to say "Goodbye"

Just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war.
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say "Goodbye".
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say "Goodbye".

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let you memories grow stronger and stronger
'Till they're before you eyes.
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say "Goodbye"
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say "Goodbye".

Fifty five.

This is my problem.

I rarely let God be "enough" for me.

I can say that he's my main man. My number one priority. My everything. And I can want so badly to mean it. Sometimes I really truly do.

Then it hits me: I'm a screw up. I can't keep to what I commit to.

It happens so fast too. I'll be walking along my path, trying to focus my eyes ahead, to fix them upon Jesus, and then bam. I trip. Or maybe it's not that I trip so much, as I look away and I loose my confidence. Like Peter on the water.

It's funny, because I am always critical of Peter when I read that story. Why didn't he just keep looking at Jesus? Seriously - he was WALKING ON WATER. Buddy, wouldn't the time to doubt doing it be before you got out of the boat and STEPPED onto the SEA?!?! Seriously? Seriously. But wait... it's exactly what I do too.

So what makes me look away? Why, when I know in my heart that all but He is temporary, will I choose to try it on my own?

You live, you learn.
Well I feel like I'm doing a lot of living, and not quite as much learning. I need to really understand that He is more than enough for me, and that when I am able to marvel in that fact, truly marvel in it, I will be able to figure out the rest.

Fifty four.

It is time for a post that is neither vain nor involving pictures of me.

Things are really looking up lately. My heart has been feeling very heavy. Shadowed. But the sun is coming out again! The feeling that gives me is one of great joy. Interesting. Joy.

The past few months I've been struggling a lot with making a decision. Sorting though it all it hit me hard - I'm no longer a child. This was the point at which I realized that certain decisions I make now are ones that will really impact the rest of my life. How scary is that? Honestly. I feel older than I am most of the time, but a reality such as this one made me want to be small again. Am I ready to make these decisions? What if I make a mistake that follows me? I was so afraid. I stood still because I was too afraid to go either direction, for fear of "what ifs" sneaking in.

Where does joy fit in here? I went for coffee to talk my parents pastor, Mary, about my dilemma. As we talked it out, I was able to openly admit that I knew what I was supposed to do, but felt so weak. Before we parted, she had this to say to me. "My prayer for you during all of this is that you will experience God's joy through obedience". I didn't think it was very likely to happen at the time.

Here I am. Living in a moment in which God is actively answering someones prayers. Seriously. The shift doesn't have to do with happiness, though that has come along with it. It's more than that. It's my heart.

Beautiful. I feel strong. I feel good.

Joy!

Fifty three.

Extreme makeover Janessa edition.

So new glasses happened.
And now this.

Before:

and... after!

i just love it.

Fifty two.

This week has been awesome.
I got two pairs of glasses, and am entertaining the idea of going to New York at the end of October for a conference (cross fingers!).

But this post is about the glasses. Here they are:

Fifty one.

Bike riding.
Tree climbing.
Laughing.

I did all of these today.

Fifty.

I've been a downer lately. I'm also having a hard time talking about it sometimes, because even I tire of what I have to say. Of explaining how I just am incapable of helping myself right now. I'm not helping. I know it. I'm weak. I know it. I have the ability to be stronger, I know it, but I can't seem to find it. I'm asking God for help, but I know almost as well as he that I'm not meaning what I'm saying yet. How much do I have to hurt before I'll mean it? Eghads.

There is hope though, there is always hope. It comes in many different forms. People re-humanizing themselves to me and helping me to realize that we're all capable of error, and we're all capable of learning from and moving away from those errors, and becoming people who are worthy of admiration.

Hope filled moments:

Fall is arriving. The leaves are changing to beautiful. I feel sometimes like they're doing it just for me.

I'm going for a bike ride with Ashli tomorrow. It's supposed to be lovely outside.

God loves me unconditionally. I can't wrap my head around it sometimes. But I can definitely feel grateful beyond words.

Forty nine.

I'm sitting here thinking about how silly it is that I want to post my emotional discomfort onto a web-page.  That said, here it comes.

I often have moments in life where I feel like I'm just standing still, unable to move forward or backward, while the world spins around me uncontrollably.  It won't stop or slow down, and all I can do is stare and wonder how I can get back in the spin without getting hurt.  Like being a child and trying to figure out an escalator.  And I just stare and stare and stare.  Sometimes forgetting to breathe.

How am I supposed to breath?  How am I supposed to breath?

I realize I have little to complain about in the world.  I do.  

I get to choose what direction my life should take, and that is a luxury that a large percentage of our world misses out on.  And that should be enough.  I should be grateful that I can even choose to get hurt, because I'm choosing.  Most of the time.

Mistakes we knew we were making.  Mistakes we knew we were making. Don't think about chances we're taking.  Mistakes we knew.

Transitions.  They take a lot out of us.  Mind you, we have much to learn from them, and in theory will come out stronger.  Well that's neat.  But only when you're looking back.  Not always when you're in the midst of things.

Raced the days closed, in the hopes that the mornings would swell again.

But we'll always be okay, right?  Right.  We're much more resilient than we think.  We just need to convince ourselves of that truth I guess.  That's where my struggle comes in.  Often I'd rather just sit in misery than to force myself to my feet and go forward.  It's kind of pathetic.

Now autumn brings the beautiful things, where all you give comes back to you like the crown upon my king.  You're life's a song, so sing along, until the silence swallows you and leaves you like a pawn.

Forty eight.

Big sigh.

Forty seven.

Old song, can't stop listening to it.

AJS - Park

So breathless, the night carves her airwaves out of these,
And I'm up again tattoos of scars and skin.
So cold, so deep,
I'm twenty feet and sinking faster than the ship I'm in
Useless to jump or swim

I could hold my breath 'till I blow up
And make this all seem real.
No matter how hard I try,
I can't seem to win this stupid game, I appologize,
For keeping you up and wasting all your time.

So I'm stuck with the image of you walking me to my car
And how nice it felt to be alive in someones arms.
Last night felt like the only time that we made sense
And every moment after which -
chalk it up, chalk it up to coincidence.

I could hold my breath 'till I blow up
And make this all seem real.
There's nothing like waking up,
After all of the saddness has been slept off,
And it's just me and you,
Looking at all these things.

How am I supposed to breath?
How am I supposed to breath?
How am I supposed to breath?
How am I supposed to breath?

Lucky for me, we were lying down.
Just from kissing you, I could have passed right out.

Forty six.

I love taking the bus. I enjoy the convenience of a car, but there's something about how the bus slows you down. You can read, which you cannot do (and I hope you don't) while operating your own vehicle. You can think and get distracted, which you can also no do in your car. The list could go on.

I was reading on the bus today. Here are some beautiful quotes that inspired me. You may go ahead and read them and be inspired.

"And so, because the story of Christmas is part of our folklore (we might almost say), we pay more attention to its recognizableness than to the fact that the tiny baby in the manger contained the power which created the galazies and set the stars in their courses."

"...he (Jesus) did not spend time looking for the most qualified people, the most adult. Instead, he chose people who were still childlike enough to leave the known comforts of the daily world, the security of their jobs, their reasonable way of life, to follow him."

-Madeline L'engle
"Walking on Water: Reflections on faith and art"

I love the bus.

Forty five.

it's the small stuff.  those are the day makers.  at least, they are if you happen to be looking for them.

today i was in dollarama buying headphones in order to replace my thoughts with music while working alone for the morning.

two ladies walk by me.  their conversation went as follows:

lady 1: wow, this is cheap.

lady 2: how much is it?

lady 1: only a dollar.

lady 2: wow, that's cheap.

...we're in DOLLARama.  

needless to say, it brought a smile to my face, maybe even a giggle (which, let the record show, giggling by oneself is kind of creepy for anyone else involved).

even sitting here typing this i started to smile.

it's the small stuff.

Forty four.

I am?

- a knitter of yellow mittens.  specifically: good. yellow. mittens.

- a bit braver than i realized.  

- a laugher.  i can't stop it.  i laugh when i'm: embarassed, happy, frustrated, sad... you name it.

- a blusher.  i blush.  pretty easily.

- a lover of swing sets.  it's kind of like flying.

- a bit too prideful sometimes.

- a believer.

- a bit ticklish.

- a bit confused sometimes.  most times.

- a work in progress.

Forty three.

i've made a good dent in my summer list thus far.

-sitting on cars and looking at stars

-camping with friends

-fishing. so pumped.

-working with joelle, naturally.

-tanning

-wearing dresses just because.  it's a goal.

-taking pictures

-ice cream

-slurpees

-road trip to ontario

-sunglasses

-bare feet every now and then

-bathing suits and swimming fun in lakes

-walking on a beach at night barefoot with rolled up jeans and a hoodie.  one of my favorite things to do.

Forty Two.

It has been a while.

Summer is grand, I am very pleased with how it is turning out.  I feel really happy and full of life, which is a simply marvelous feeling.  I hope there are more beach days and maybe some camping involved in the future.  We'll see.

I went to Ontario to visit family.  Four days of driving, five days of 

visiting.  It was so wonderful to visit with my grandpa.  It was also nice to see a bunch of my family, all of whom I have not seen in two years.  It was a draining trip however, and I found myself breathing a large sigh of relief once I had returned home to my own bed, my own space, and my dearest friends.

I have been thinking a lot lately, about what it is to show love as a Christian.  About what it is to be a Christ follower.  About what I expect of myself, what I hope for others.  I am reminded constantly, that it's all about love.  Loving God, and loving those around us.  I am so down with that.

Life is good.

Forty One.

After reading a book called "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", I've taken to titling certain life moments as "infinite".  

I can't even remember if, in accordance with the book, I'm using the word correctly.  But to me it's come to mean moments when I just feel invincible or limitless or overwhelmed with goodness.

Infinite.

Today, for some reason that is not fully known, I feel infinite.

Specifically when I:

-sing a long to old bouncing souls songs in the car

-realize how content I feel

-walk home with a tune in the headphones whose beat i can match with my steps

-think of God's overwhelming grace

-smile at the sun

-laugh

Forty.

Summer's here, summer's here.

It's amazing how excited I was for summer before it arrived, but now that it's here I almost feel dazed.  Prior to the warm weather, in that last stretch of winter, I was day dreaming of summer fun, making lists of things to accomplish and look forward to.  Cambodia definitely changed my view a bit, as in gave me many other things to think about.  In a good way.  But it is as if summer has come up so quickly that I feel as though I'm still in the pre-stage when in reality I am all in, and wasting some of it thinking otherwise!

But all the same, the fact is that summer has arrived.  It will be good to me I think.  It's amazing 

how different this summer is from the last.  How quickly things change!  This summer finds me more grown up, more independent, single (and content with that title), and more hopeful for the future than ever.  And as of today, burnt (as you can see from the picture).

I want to write something captivating or hilarious for you.  Right now I'm fresh out of both, so I'll wrap up now.  Maybe next time, stay.. tuned?

CORRECTION: (added one day later)

For captivating and hilarious, see below.

So Italy is in the Euro Cup apparently.  Although I'm not really following, it was easy enough to figure out, as by 4 o'clock the corner of Bar Italia on Corydon was filled with Italians screaming 

and flag waving at traffic.  Joelle and I had to pass by them, and it was pretty ackward trying to 

get through the crowd.

All around us were people shouting "Go Italy" and various other pro-Italy cries, until suddenly as we walked through, these cries changed to: "CLEANING LAAADIESSSS!!!" (for those of you who don't know, Joelle and I work outside cleaning, therefore one could deduce that they are shouting about... us).  

I was pretty mortified.  Afterwards I found it in me to laugh my head off about it, and about how red my face got when the whole crowd was shouting a unified chorus of "cleaning ladies".  

Wow.

Thirty nine.

First, some of the nice things about being home. Well, aside from the novelties of hot showers and soft beds, I'm definitely enjoying some quality friend time. I'm really blessed in that department, that's for sure. This picture is from a mashmallow catching game Luke created. Good times...

I've also been able to talk with Brianna TWICE on the phone, which rules. It took a while to figure out how to call a Cambodian cell phone, but in the end I won.

I'm working, which means I'll be able to pay off my bills and start

saving for school again. Delightful. I actually think I'll be graduating from my first degree debt free. That's something I'm pretty proud of, I won't lie.

I'm pretty happy for the most part. I really feel like Cambodia was one of those rare moments we have in life when we realize we were in the right place at exactly the right time. But coming home from that is a bit hard. While I don't feel like I'm in the wrong place, I don't feel that same certainty and it's unnerving.

I'm also gaining weight quickly. While it's not the end of the world, it's frustrating me. I can see it and I need to do something (healthy, just for the record) about it.

Complain complain complain. Game plan: get over self, do something about it by exercising and eating well balanced meals, and continue to get over self. Complaining section over, sorry.

God is good.

I thought about all the amazing things He's done for me in the last little while, and it's beautiful. God has brought me to a new place in life. Other than my minor issues, in general I can honestly say that I'm finding contentment in where he's placed me. And that's a delightful thing.

Thirty eight.

My heart aches.

It aches and it aches.  I feels heavy and overcast.

Coming home has been nice, do not get me wrong.  It's lovely to see family and friends, it's nice to have hot showers and western food.  But at the same time, so much of me wishes to be back in Cambodia.  And I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to deal with this, when I want to be here and I want to be there.  I feel really awful, like I'm not appreciating being home, not appreciating the good experience, not appreciating the moment I'm in.  I wish this wasn't so.  

It's just such a strange feeling to feel so drawn to two different places on the opposite sides of the world.

Cambodia - Part 12.

How does one sum up a life changing experience?

It's so mind boggling to think that I'm already back.  It feels like so recently that I was counting down the MONTHS until I left, and now I sit here 12 hours after arriving home thinking about how it's already done and over.

The experiences from Cambodia are things that I'd like to think will stay with me for the rest of my life.  I think back on my time there and my heart actually physically feels warmth, love, and a longing to still be there.  

Highlights include:

+ Seeing Brianna for the first time in Phnom Penh

+ Our culturally inaprop bursts of laughter wherever we went together (they were particularly good and attention drawing when on a motto, just for the record).

+ The motto accident - hiiiilarious.

+ Teaching english to the young adult classes - very funny moments.

+ Beach and waterfall days and our night out with the boys

+ Learning more about not taking things for granted.  Not that I'm a pro, but it's refreshing to come to the realization that something as simple as laughter is a luxury.

+ Phone call with the Lee family on my last night

There's more, but I don't want to bore you.

Words just aren't cutting it.  But essentially, God blessed me enough for the rest of my life on this trip in safety, in joy, in humbling moments, and in all the many things I learned.  I hope that I have come back a better person, and a better servant to others.  I also hope.. that one day soon, I might be able to go back.

Cambodia (Vietnam) - Part 11.

Brianna and I are getting dresses made!!!!!! I'm so excited. I hope it turns out well. But there is a tailor across the street from our guest house and we went in yesterday to scope it out. Our dresses will be made just for us the way we want it and only cost like 30$. AND the lady who measured us up and stuff is just delightful. I'm super pumped.

Ho Chi Minh City is no Sihannoukville. It's much more like Phnom Penh, busy, dirty, and loud. We did have some fun today though, as we were able to get to the zoo (after majorly touristing it up with a map check at every corner...), and the war remnants museum. When I think about Vietnam's war history as well as Cambodias, sometimes I just get overwhelmed at what we as humans are capable of doing to one another... So sad.

Tonight is girly movie night. We're going to rent a dvd player and some films, and eat crappy food. I felt kind of sick today at the museum, so we're going to keep it a little low key for now. Maybe a touch of sun stroke? Who knows. Tomorrow is another day here, Saturday we leave for Phnom Penh, and then Monday I start for home. Wow. I... just feel like time is going by so quickly.

Cambodia - Part 10.

Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.

Am I really here? Apparently. So many things in this trip have been so surreal, it's hard to truly convince myself that I'm sitting where I am. Oh boy.

It's been a packed couple of days. Monday morning I said my tearful goodbyes to my brother's at Samaritan Love Mission, and loaded on to the bus for Siem Riep. We arrived 12 hours later, had a quick dinner and shopping trip and hit the hay. We got up at 4:30 the next morning (ugh...) and booked it over to Ankor Wat to see the sun rise over the temples. Not going to lie, it was one of the most beautiful things I've seen. We ran around the temples for a few hours, and then went back to our guest house to pack up and head back to Phnom Penh. It was a short stay but definitely worth it!

Funny story (maybe most funny to me, so bear with me):
Last night I was exhausted from our long day at Ankor Wat and traveling. We went to our friend Lily's (delightful lady from India) appartment, but I was poor company because of my fatigue. So they sent me to bed. About an hour after I'd fallen asleep, I swore I heard Brianna trying to get into the room and for some reason thought she was locked out.
*Let's just pause for a moment for me to inform you that I sleep with a blindfold on and earplugs. Get that image in your head. Unpause. *
So straight from a dead sleep, I attempt to run across the room with my ear plugs falling out and my blindfold half on. Let's it be known that I am not very coordinated at the best of times, but just after I've woken up is probably what I'd be like if I was intoxicated. Half way to the door, while tipping over in all directions, I realized that Brianna was in the room quietly going through her bags and looking at me veeeery strangely. Oi. Back to bed for me. Even after I had laid down, I had to ask Brianna if that had actually happened, so out of it was I.

Anyways.
We're in Vietnam now. I will give you this bit of advice: if you intend on going to south east asia, go to Cambodia last because otherwise everywhere else is likely to be a let down (at least from my experiences). But, tomorrow we're off to the war remnants museum, and the zoo, and whatever other mischief we can get into.

I'm home in one week. Sigh. I think then I'll be homesick for another home.

OI! NEW PICTURE ALBUM:
Here are the links to all three, the last one being the most recent:
1) http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=116936&l=7d9c2&id=544335600
2) http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=118037&l=a4496&id=544335600
3) http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=119397&l=9643d&id=544335600

Cambodia - Part 9

How about those goodbyes?

Sigh.

They make me so sad. I haven't felt this overwhelmed in a while. I just... I know that there's nothing I can do to make time go back or slow down anymore, and the reality is that tomorrow morning I leave Sihannoukville. I said goodbye to Kong's family tonight. I cried a bit in front of them, but held out until on the motto to really get going. I'm surprised Brianna kept her balance with weepy Mcgee (...me) on the back. Saying goodbye to Kong was super hard. Tomorrow I'll be a mess.

Kong took us to the beach today, and we watched the sunset all together. Look at us, holding up that sun... cheesy as this is, if it were up to me, I would have held it up a lot longer because the days here have gone by way too fast.

I wont' lie, I know for a fact that I'm going to be really depressed in Hong Kong all alone, and when I get home for a while. I will be so happy to see everyone, dont' get me wrong, but I just can't express how divided my heart now feels...

We're both exhausted and off to bed. Tomorrow we're off to Siem Riep and Ankor Wat, then Wednesday we're Vietnam bound.

Cambodia - Part 8.

Saturday... that means... tomorrow is Sunday... that means... Monday I leave Sihannoukville and start travel week with Brianna.

We were originally supposed to leave today. That was too hard. So we said Sunday. That was too soon, so now we leave Monday for sure.

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours.

Our brother Chomreun's father passed away early this morning, from a motto accident. We went to his home to offer some support. First, the home was in an area that not many foreigners would ever go to, because it's pretty rough and the homes there are built over the water in such a way that the path leading to his house is plywood layed down realllllly sketch style. It was a bit nerve racking because I'm afraid of falling from things like that, but it was okay. Tomorrow is the funeral and I'm not sure what to expect. Although, I have been informed by Brianna that I should not wear black, but white, which she learned the hard way...

On a lighter note, we went to the waterfall today and it was wonderful. It was the Lee kids (which inclded Kong, Tiruit, Dol, Srey Mum, and Sre Mich), Brianna and myself. We loaded onto two motto's and spent the afternoon in the water.

In the evening, Brianna and I went home to clean up and change, and got ourselves fancied up a little to go out for a nice meal and drive with Kong and Tiruit. It was really nice, because I'm used to going out in the evenings when I'm at home, and not being able to feels really strange. It was great. I got to drive again!

Brianna has pink eye. She got it shortly after I got here, though it had nothing to do with me I'm sure, and it's been a frustrating haul trying to get rid of it. We've been putting eye drops in that she got from the clinic (and have dubbed said daily interactions as "dropping it like it's hot"), but today we had to get a bit more, and this weird ointment for her eye. We just put it in now, and I'm not going to ile, I don't envy her. Pray for quick healing!

Well, I may post tomorrow, but after that I'm not sure when I'll be able to be on itnernet until I get back home. So thanks for actually reading these, take care, and see you soon!

Cambodia - Part 7.

Before I continue, let me just say it - we're fine. What a good way to start a post hey?




Brianna and I got into a motto accident today. Well, it was less like an accident and more like the avoidance of an accident, which resulted in our bailing onto the street. Basically someone in front of us went to turn so we started to accelerate but he slammed on his brakes and then so did Brianna, but it was too late so she turned sharply to avoid him and we lost our balance. I was sitting side saddle, like ladies do out here, and totally fell flat on my back with my legs in the air. Please feel free to laugh hard at that image. I know I do every time it comes to me... We were quite the spectacle - two foreign girls bailing on their motto and laughing really loudly (you've read about how they feel about that one...). Goooood times.





Other than some bruising and scrapes, I'm totally fine. Brianna pulled a muscle I think, but she is also okay. We were obviously a bit shaken up after, but we were very lucky that a pair of our brothers that we'd recently split up from were still close enough to hear it, see it, and then come to our aid. They kindly drove us home. Then proceeded to laugh at me every time they saw me for the next two hours. Sigh. Oh well.

This picutre is actually not from the accident, but it shows a nice bruise I aquired when making a tool out of myself on the beach. I tried to sit down in a chair but little did I realize how broken it was and I had a good solid fall on my butt, drawing even more attention to myself by laughing super loudly. Seems to be a pattern...

I have two days left here in Sihannoukville. It makes me sick to think of leaving, but hopefully God will give me the strength to do so. Fortunately I still have one week with Brianna traveling, so I'm very much looking forward to that. It'll just be hard to say goodbye to such beautiful people.

So long for now!

Cambodia - Part 6.

There are beautiful moments all around us. We just need to remember not to think too hard about the future, or else we miss these moments in the present.

Cambodia has been beautiful moment after beautiful moment. God has been so faithful to me each and every day, keeping me safe and answering prayers. He has shown me more about love and loving everyone around me.

The orphanage is such a wonderful place to spend part of our afternoons. There are three children in particular that I want to just take home, the one on my lap in this picture (and you can clearly see why), as well as two brothers. They are just lovely and I hope they find wonderful loving homes, and know how loved they are right now in the present. What little blessings.

MOUSE STORY.

You see, I am not afraid of mice. But that does not equate to I like it when gross dirty mice touch me. Brianna warned me that there were mice in the kitchen, and my response was "that's fine, as long as they do not touch my feet".

Well, yesterday we were cooking pancakes for our brothers here at the school, and I was standing in front of the stove when lo and behold... a mouse ran across my FOOT. I shouted quite loudly, in fact I'm sure that it qualified for scream, and then proceeded to get a chair and continue with my cooking pansy style. One of my brothers definitely got a kick out of this one.

Check out the video on Facebook of me driving. Seriously do it, I dare you.

Sorry this is long, but I feel so pumped on this week that I can't help but keep going a bit longer. You see, it was the king's birthday on tuesday, so that means three days of holidays here (yes, we are on a holiday in Cambodia...). Therefore, Brianna and I packed up the Lee family (the family of her good friend Kong with delightful and adorible siblings) and went to swim in the ocean!!!! It rained for the most part, but it was so warm in the ocean and we were so wet it didn't matter! We swam in our clohtes, because that's just how you do it here. A tad more modest than north america would you say?

I lost my glasses in the ocean.

That kind of sucked. But it would have sucked more if I'd actually paid anything for them (they were the second part of a buy one get one free deal) and had not been prepared with a second pair of glasses here. Honestly, it I'd not had a second pair here this would be a rough few days. So now I guess it's official, I really have to get new glasses when I'm back.

Well, thats' all I have for now, though I'm sure there's more to say. I hope you are all well!

Cambodia - Part 5.

Well well well.

I'm not going to lie, I am so in love with everything around me right now. I'm in Sihanoukville, where I've been since I arrived. On Saturday morning the plan is to leave here adn travel for a week and then I fly home. The thought of saying goodbye Saturday is horrific to me. I want to stay longer. I neeeed to travel around the country for sure, but I can't imagine just leaving after that and not coming back here. I'm seriously thinking about changing my return flight for a few days or a week later than planned, but I'm not sure. Thoughts?

I learned to drive a motto today. ROCK ON. I'll post a viedeo on my facebook eventually, so check it out. It was awesome.

Things here are great. Brianna and I cooked pancakes for our brothers here and they definitely all pretended to like them but really... didn't. Maybe one of them did, but I can't tell. Oh well, now they kind of know how we feel every day... Aha. Although, i dont' mind rice as much as Brianna does.

Funny story: Our friend Kong went to the market to buy us some fruit, because if we went the prices would be muuuuch higher due to our white skin. We asked for 8 bananas, 6 mangoes, and 1kg of rambutam. Well, when we communicated 8 bananas, he misinterpretted it for 8 bunches of bananas... So we ended up with like 80 bananas on hand, when we only wanted 8... we laughed all the way home, while I tried to balance 80 bananas and other fruits on my lap on the back of the motto. Awesome.

Hope all is well with everyone. Later!
(ps. more pictures on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=116936&l=7d9c2&id=544335600

and

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=118037&l=a4496&id=544335600)

Cambodia - Part 4.

So I won't lie, I have been surprised at how little I seemed to be affected by the poverty around me.

But today, I figured things out a bit. It was a day filled with ackwardness, shame, humility, hilarity, and absolute joy. What a combo.

The pastor at SLM here brought two friends from Phnom Penh to here (Sihanoukville) to meet Brianna and I - and let me tell you he had a not so hidden agenda of a potential hook up. It was ackward. For Cambodia, these men are incredibly rich. Like, we all climbed into a Lexus SUV rich. Like, work for the government rich. They are also 30 something years old (insert big collar tug here). We ate lunch with them, and then the pastor left with our friend and got us and our brother here to hang out with these men.

It was really hard. Why?

1) It looks bad to see foreign women with rich Khmer men. It kind implies we're using them for their money. In... questionable ways.

2) How could I possibly ignore the incredibly poverty around me and enjoy the rich life in Cambodia? Or anywhere? I almost cried in the vehicle at the thought.

You see, it's not that I have not been affected by the poverty. I have been aware of it all along, and my response has been to view each person as equal in worth and value. So being in a position where I was appearing like an ignorant North American... it was painful. I'm not opposed to riches entirely (obviously), but I am opposed to the rich forgetting that there are those who have little to nothing, and their blessing could bless others as well.

Sigh.

But then tonight redeemed it all. We went to Brianna's Cambodian family's home for dinner. It was just a wonderful time of joy, laughter, westerner mockery (in a delightful way), pictures, and fun. Their hospitality astounds me, and fills me with a desire to always seek to offer that to others.

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you oughts, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you". (Romans 12:3)

Over and out.

Cambodia - Part 3

Well it has been one working week that I've been in this country now.

There's so much to say and never much time to say it. I shall share the highlights. If you want to see pictures, please look at my facebook album, because I'm having a hard tiem uploading them onto here. The nets a little slow you know.

+ Brianna is pretty much my hero. God is doing good things in her and through her, and it's pretty beautiful to see.

+ Driving here is insane, and hilarious. But now that I've been here a few days, it doesn't seem so scary.

+ All the girls I've met in Cambodia are just charming. They are so sweet and delightful.

+ Jonah, Brianna's "boss" (the pastor here at the school) is trying to set us up with people. At first I thought it was a joke, but then i realized he's kind of serious. Akward...

+ It's hot here all the time.

+ Apparently it's not really common for girls (or guys I think too) to burst out into laughter. Well if you can imagine, it's kind of hard for me to be culturally approp with that one, so you will often have people staring at brianna and i as we drive around on her moto laughing our heads off at something random.

+ Brianna and I had a spontaneous dance part to the backstreet boys in her room the other day. It was a fantastic time.

+ Um.. i might go to vietnam for a few days. YEEEHAWWW!

That's all for now I think. We have internet all weekend so i'll post some good stories when I'm able to think of them.

Cambodia - Part 2

Greetings from the other side of the world (unless, of course, you are Brianna reading this, in which case I say greetings from right beside you).

I made it! After a lot of time on planes and in airports, I finally got here to Cambodia. I arrived in Phnom Penh yesterday and hung out there. I have not been affected to badly by jet lag, which is exciting. The flight from Vancouver to Hong Kong was 13 hours of having the man in front of me reclined as far back as possible, and four crying children surrounding me (one of which considers kicking the back of my chair a air born pass time.

For the record, my feet are enourmous from traveling. It's funny. Check it out. Ummmm actually don't yet because I'm not putting hte picture on until tomorrow when I'm not so tired.


From what I've seen so far, Cambodia is really beautiful. Phnom Penh, not so much, but outside of it is a different story.

Tomorrow morning I start teaching english. You know, I'm not sure it'll be my thing but I'll find that out tomorrow - a little nerve racking, but nothing next to a 13 hour flight.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. Hope you're all well.

Cambodia: Part 1

Deceiving title, I know.

It's the day before I leave.

I sit here at my computer and I feel a little bit of the following:

+ denial that I'm actually going away tomorrow

+ nervousness 

+ excitement

Tomorrow I leave Winnipeg for a month.  I have some silly fears (which would most likely be cruel to actually write here), but mostly I anticipate how much I will be learning and growing.  I am excited to begin my travels with some good friends at a wedding,

 and move them along to another good friend in a foreign place.

Here I go.

Thirty seven.

The other day I went to CAA to get travelers cheques, and had a frustrating experience.  The girl was cold, not helpful, boarderline rude, and gave me the wrong information which made me have to go back.  I was really upset, frustrated, and angry.

Today I went to the bank to get some US cash for Cambodia.  I was given the wrong amount (a bit too much actually) by the teller, and realized this after I was out of the bank.  So I went back in and we changed things around and I was given my four dollars less and left.  They thanked me for being honest and I told them I really understood and left smiling.   To be fully honest, I kind of felt a little good about myself.

And then I realized something.  I'm not the greatest example of Christ there is out there.  

What made the one girl deserve my "grace" when the other did not?  Does my display of grace honestly depend on how kind the person is to be before they make a mistake?  Must I first be respected before I offer grace to another?  

Christ displays unconditional love and grace to us all.  We do not earn it, for we never could.  This is the simple example I have been given to follow.  And yet... not so simple.

Sigh.  I guess my head can't swell up too big this time.  

I caught myself in the act of inconsistency.

Thirty six.

Stories that explain who I am a bit.

Part 7.

Today I found a spider in my room.

I don't deal with spiders very well.  Especially jumping ones.  This one, happened to be a jumper.

So I screamed (naturally), and yelled for my mom.  She was in the basement so she couldn't hear me.  The horrendous creature started to crawl towards my stuff.  

This was not acceptable.

I threw my sandal at it.

But it got away.

"You're mine" I said, mostly to convince myself I was capable of killing it.

I looked around for something to kill it with that was bigger and flatter than my sandal.

I spotted a big binder.

I picked up the binder and threw it on the spider.

Apparently this was not enough for me, maybe he survived the impact.

So I drop kicked my binder.

Who does that?

Anyways.

The spider is dead.  And my binder is broken.

The end.

Thirty five.

I feel quite defeated right now.

I think I need to hear these lyrics every day.

Sigh.

Give us faith to be strong, Father we are so weak,

Our bodies are fragile and weary.

As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead,

Give us faith to be strong.

Give us faith to be strong, give us strength to be faithful,

This life is not long but it's hard.

Give us grace to go on, make us willing and able,

Lord give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn, mend us up when we break,

this flesh can be wounded and shaky

When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take

Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong, give us strength to be faithful

This life is not long but it's hard.

Give us grace to go on, make us willing and able

Lord, give us faith to be strong.

Give us hearts to find hope, Father we cannot see

How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom

And as hard as we try, Lord it's hard to believe

So give us hearts to find hope.

Thirty four.

Two weeks from now I will be in Cambodia, likely talking a mile a minute with my dear friend Brianna who has been there for several months already.

I really look forward to this trip.  I need it.  I need to separate myself from my life here for a little bit and throw myself whole heartedly into something else.  I need space to grow and learn, and to do it on my own.  

Cambodia, I look forward to meeting you.

Thirty three.

Sometimes people tell me that my sister and I look a lot a like.

Most days I have a hard time seeing it.

But not this day...

Thirty two.

I should make a themed blog simply for the silly things I do.

Like when I yell in the car.

The most recent was: 

"Hey there Cuts in front"...

Or like when I'm standing on a street corner waiting for a friend so I pretend to talk on my cell phone so I feel less awkward.  Seriously.  Who does that?  I had a conversation with myself, on the phone, about how lame I am.  It was enlightening.

Thirty one.

Volcano Pacaya. 

It's an interesting climb.  To get to the base, you hike through some woods on relatively easy trails (as they've been walked on numerous times) for a while.  After climbing about half way to the top, the ground changes and becomes shale-like volcanic rock.  The going is slow, because for every two steps one takes, there is one step back.  

Life right now is an interesting climb.  I feel like I'm taking big ol' healing steps forward, but then every so often I have one, two, or ten steps back.  And these back steps always happen when you get confident you're going upwards.  So it takes a while to get up to the top.  It's something you have to do, but it's easier to say that when you get to the top than when you fall and scrape your knee on the shale of life.  Okay okay, this is becoming a ridiculous comparison I know.

[if I had my life to live over] "I would take more chances.  I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.  I would eat more ice cream and less beans.  I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones."

-Nadine Stair

Thirty.

Last night Jr Youth's even was a mall hunt.

I was one of the things they were hunting for.

So naturally, I required a disguise.

Thanks to my parents ideas and my dad's hook ups... I present to you:

My so called life as a hutterite lady.

Twenty nine.

I have summer on the brain.  Maybe it has much to do with my up and coming trip to Cambodia, or because I'm loving the spring time feelings (minus todays snow fall).  Here are some summer things I'm looking forward to:

+ sitting on the hood of a car and looking at stars

+ camping with friends

+ fishing. so pumped.

+ working with joelle, naturally

+ tanning

+ wearing dresses just because. it's a goal.

+ taking pictures

+ ice cream!

+ slurpees

+ road trip to ontario

+ sunglasses (provided i can get contacts)

+ bare feet every now and then

+ bathing suits and swimming fun in lakes

+ walking on a beach at night barefoot with rolled up jeans and a hoodie. one of my favorite things to do.

Wow.  Bring on SUMMER!

Twenty eight.

Stories that explain who I am a bit.

Part 6.

When I'm driving alone, I'll yell really ridiculous things at other drivers if they make silly moves.  They won't be really awful or swears, just... ridiculous combinations of words.  

For example, I yelled this one about two days ago:

"Hey there McIllegal driver, let's get things a little more legal over there!"

It's not that I roll down my window and yell these things, this is perfectly contained within my car... and usually followed by laughter.

Twenty seven.

It's Good Friday today.

In the service I attended at my parent's church this morning, there was much to think about.

1. I was comforted by the fact that I have not become emotionless to this Easter weekend, and to the meaning it has for me.  The tears I shed this morning and the overwhelming feelings that were present were accompanied by a refreshing understanding of the sacrifice that has guided my life's purpose.
   
2. I was reminded of the kind of fear I currently have of going to my own church.  The brief moments that I was there this morning dropping off something instilled in me an unrest that continues to sit in me.  We'll tackle that later.
3. Humility.  I am being called to greater humility, from the inside out.  I have very selfish thoughts and actions.  In particular, I've come to realize that I am becoming very selfish in conversations with others.  This bothers me.
4. In particular, it was the 9th station that struck me the most.  It used Isaiah 53:7-9 (you can look it up if you so desire) and the guided prayer (not something I'm usually a fan of, but liked in this case) read:

"Lord Jesus Christ, you who humbled yourself on earth for our sake and are now seated at the right hand of the Father - may we be so moved by your compassion for us that we might not only believe in you, but that we might emulate your humility and participate in your suffering; who lives and reigns with the Father and the Holy Spirit forever.  Amen."

Twenty six.

so true.  click on it to see it in bigger mode.

Twenty five.

Stories that explain who I am a bit.

Part 5.

Today was the third time I have phoned 911.

So today my sister and I were driving to Superstore.  On the way from my house to superstore, you cross a set of railroad tracks, closer to our house than the store.  When we passed them, we saw a man waving at the cars.  As we passed, Jess saw that there was someone further down the tracks laying down and another person standing with them, so we figured out that this man was not just waving or hitchhiking, he was trying to get people to pull over.  We also noted that he was a middle aged rougher looking Aboriginal man, which explains why no one had pulled over yet.

We drove until we could turn around, and then pulled a u-turn while calling for our dad to come too.  We pulled over on the other side of the street and ran across Fermor towards the

 waving man.  He explained to us that his friend was having a seizure.  Jess called 911 and I walked/ran over to the man.  He wasn't seizing any longer, but laying beside the tracks and couldn't answer me when I spoke.  While we were doing this his friends started to walk away... which was weird and we still don't know why.

Our dad came, and sirens started ringing in the distance shortly after we phoned.  As they did the man began to shake.  Before this he had just been laying on the side of the tracks but was non-responsive to me.  He was breathing.  So I knelt behind him to keep him on his side and Jess did too.  A few officers came and then the ambulance.  They seemed to recognize him and walked him to the ambulance, thanking us for "our humanity". 

What a crazy day.

Twenty four.

Transitions.

Transition stages are some of the hardest.  You have to figure out where you fit as you journey from one stage to the other.  And in those stages you have this degree of clarity that you don't have in transition.

So I'm seeking clarity.  I'm at a loss of what to do with my time.  Where to turn.  It's not like I'm sitting at home all the time staring at a phone, but I just feel restless.  And the thing is, I do not know what I am to do with my restlessness.  I've gotten a lot of school work done.  Great.  But school work isn't company, or if it is it is not helpful company.  

There are things I have become so used to doing.  And now that I am changing the way I do them, I feel lost.  I'm afraid of church tomorrow.  I am not going to Fort Garry for a few weeks, and so I've planned on going elsewhere.  But it seems it's not working out yet, and it's no ones fault, that's just how it's working.  So I feel a little lost.

On the positive side, I am definitely blessed.  I have a wonderful family that makes me laugh.  I have good friends, and I'm in learning so much in life.  These are all good things.  I just have to get used to this transition phase, until it's over and I am a little more settled.  

Twenty three.

So sick right now.

Yesterday was an awful day.  I spent it mostly in bed, if not in bed, then in my room trying to do homework.  I basically wanted to be put out of my misery.  Fever, cold, headache that no tylenol can cure... ugh.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep before 12 and then was up by 5 because I was all sweaty and gross and feeling awful again.  Shoot.  So I got up and got a Popsicle and settled in to watch a movie.

The plus side of all this?

I watched both Princess Diaries 1 and 2 in the last 24 hours.

I'm thinking I should call in sick to work tomorrow and cancel my volunteering.  I have a lot of school work and if I feel this crappy, I won't be doing myself any favors by pushing myself.

When you're sick you want company, but you just can't have any.