Fifty four.

It is time for a post that is neither vain nor involving pictures of me.

Things are really looking up lately. My heart has been feeling very heavy. Shadowed. But the sun is coming out again! The feeling that gives me is one of great joy. Interesting. Joy.

The past few months I've been struggling a lot with making a decision. Sorting though it all it hit me hard - I'm no longer a child. This was the point at which I realized that certain decisions I make now are ones that will really impact the rest of my life. How scary is that? Honestly. I feel older than I am most of the time, but a reality such as this one made me want to be small again. Am I ready to make these decisions? What if I make a mistake that follows me? I was so afraid. I stood still because I was too afraid to go either direction, for fear of "what ifs" sneaking in.

Where does joy fit in here? I went for coffee to talk my parents pastor, Mary, about my dilemma. As we talked it out, I was able to openly admit that I knew what I was supposed to do, but felt so weak. Before we parted, she had this to say to me. "My prayer for you during all of this is that you will experience God's joy through obedience". I didn't think it was very likely to happen at the time.

Here I am. Living in a moment in which God is actively answering someones prayers. Seriously. The shift doesn't have to do with happiness, though that has come along with it. It's more than that. It's my heart.

Beautiful. I feel strong. I feel good.

Joy!