fromage.

i am about to nap.

but before i do, i suppose i will write some.

i'm trying to figure out the balance of a few things right now. firstly, the balance between being a certain kind of person, or not being willing to change. what i mean is, i'm trying to distinguish the line between knowing how to identify what i need, and also being willing to change or do things i'm reluctant to do because it's what i should.

also, the balance between saying sorry and waiting for a sorry. i'm learning a lot about that one actually. i'm finding more and more that there is almost always something you can apologize for in an argument, whether you are actually correct or not. and apologies are nice difusers. they calm the situation down, and take the focus away from single sided winning. because i don't like single sided winning, but for some reason i still fight for it initially.

finally, the balance between me and God. as in, there is not so much a need for balance so much as a need for me to snap out of my apathy and start thinking more about the faith that i have claimed fuels my reasons for being. that's a big one.

an aside? as of next monday, it is exactly 6 months until my wedding day. eep. time to start planning more viggerously.

nothing's better.

yesterday i was home sick from work. i've never had a headache like that one before, and it was really not good. headaches are a lame reason to skip work in my opinion, but this was like... a whole new variety. my whole head hurt starting from the top of my neck and moving all over the rest of my head. my boss understood. i waited at a walk in clinic for 3 hours and was prescribed an anti-inflammatory for muscle pain - apparently there's enough tension in there for a headache that bad. oh boy.

but besides that, today i feel wonderful. as in, my heart feels wonderful. like overflowing exploding with happy kind of wonderful. it's really good. the best part is that it stems from two evenings that really weren't all that special in terms of what we did, but two evenings that after spending time with andrew, i was re-hit with the realization of how much i loved him. we've had some good chats, and i think i've just noticed how much more comfortable we've become with each other. it's been gradual of course, but sometimes when things happen gradually they go under your radar for a while and then all of a sudden you realize how much of a contrast now is to then. wonderful.

tomorrow is my last day of work before the holidays! i'm so excited! after it, i get to go home and pack for the weekend (altona!) and then get to hang out with andrew. saturday his sister comes home, which is very exciting (he's been counting down the days for a little while now). we're going to see the old eaton's christmas display at the children's museum (which, for the record, fills me with absolute wonderful childhood feelings and i'm so excited to go to) and then driving out to altona for the night.

then i get to start sleeping in, and doing things in the daytime. i miss that. i miss having days free to do errands, and be busy but the kind of busy that's really fun.

life is filled with happy feelings, and i'm more than happy to recieve them with open arms.

follow me down.

it is official, i am getting my wedding dress made by jill sawatsky and i'm really excited. the design is really awesome, she's absolutely amazing at what she does, and the combo of a unique and simple dress, and it being made, just makes me really happy. how lovely.

i am almost done christmas shopping, which is exciting. i love wrapping all the gifts and putting them under the tree, eagerly waiting for when i can watch people open them and (hopefully) be quite pleased. i'm going to andrew's house tonight to wrap presents. i may even put one headphone in with bette midler's christmas album on.

good things:
- a solid filing system at work that's organized. i love that feeling. nerd.
- andrew. i could write an rather large book about what love is teaching me. it's so good.
- christmas!
- an apartment that is at least giving the illusion that it might be getting warmer... here's hoping.
- knitting
- thinking about how much fun it'll be to live with andrew
- thinking about decorating our apartment once we have one
- my roommate and bridesmaid jill is engaged and i'm so happy for her. and ecstatic that i'm in her wedding party.
- t-minus 3 days until i can start sleeping in!

that is all. i hope you are having a beautiful day.

thoughts on waking up and realizing that you are, in fact, an adult.

it dawned on me the other day, that i am really an adult. while i have been over the age of 18 for a while now, it really wasn't the first thing i thought of when that day came. but honestly. especially in the last year, the decisions i've been making have been far more complicated and life altering than they ever have been in the past.

the realization actually hit me when i was allocating my retirement funds towards different investments. i am only starting to know what that sentence actually means. all i know about my retirement is that i want to be a super cool grandma. and i want andrew to be around. aside from those things (who are not stated in order of importance. that's mostly for andrew.), i really haven't thought about it. but i have to. because it's smart. and improtant.

it's an interesting moment, when you realize that you've crossed over the line that holds dependence and consultation of your parents or siblings for all things - behind you, and in front of you is making your own choices, and consulting when you need, not because you need.

this past year i've chosen a job that is career like.
i have worked with my rrsp.
i've budgeted, opened up savings, and created a general plan for the next ten years.
i have chosen the man i will marry and love for as long as i am able.
i registered for things for my physical home, with the man who defines my emotional idea of home.

it's just neat. and scary. but also neat.
i think about my life so far, and find it really strange to think about all my past experiences being in the past. grade 6 is over, and past. high school is done, and so is my first round of university. outtatown was 5 years ago already. i will be married in less than 7 months now.

i think planning for my retirement (just stating that makes me giggle a little) has made me re-realize the importance of appreciating right now. liking where i am, if for no other reason than the fact that i will not get now back.

i love my family, i love our christmas.

i love my family.


Andrew fits right in.

one small instrument.

so. christmas break is coming up fast. like. 17 more days fast. i get a really ridiculously sweet amount of time off. like... after friday the 18th, i'm not back at work until january 4th. that is amazing. i wasn't expecting that. and i'm so happy about it because that means i get to sleep in a lot and watch star trek and wrap presents to bette midler's christmas album.

i love this time of year. i like it when it's all dark in the evening and i'm cozy in my room. i like having christmas lights glowing in a dimly lit apartment with snow outside. i like reading, and drinking tea, and playing board games.

holidays are going to be great. i know for sure i would like to sleep over at my parents place on christmas eve. i think i will need to take the hide-a-bed on the main floor, which is not super comfortable, but i am excited to sleep on it because it means that christmas will not have changed too much yet. it is quite possible that i will sleep over at their place before then too, just because i miss waking up there sometimes.

gift giving is one of my favorite things in the world. i like thinking hard about what i buy people and i like seeing them be happy to recieve them. i hope i do good this year!

ashli suggested we hang out soon and knit and watch movies and it sounded like the best time ever. seriously. since then i've been thinking about how badly i want to do that. i will probably wear sweat pants. she and meghan and i have developed our "christmas" each year as of the last two years, and i am excited about this years. i found them both things in the states that i am proud of finding.

this is really long.
that's what she said.

anyways.
the lights are off in our office becasue wendy and i get headaches from the florescents. i have jimmy eat world clarity on, and there is snow falling outside the window in front of me, gathering on the ground. life is good.

consumerized.

heidi introduced me to this fun little tool!
the result of my recent shopping trip:

the taupe dress doesn't actually have the metalic belt part. and the wallet looks a little different. but the rest is pretty much bang on. the grey shirt is the exact one i bought. i love it!

i also got some christmas shopping done, which was lovely. found some inspiration buys (spontaneous buys i found and thought of someone specific) for christmas gifts. it was a success.

three boys all excited for football on a road trip = me not wanting to hear about drafting, rookies, or trading in the football sense for a loooong time. but it was a lovely trip, and yesterday i slept until noon and spent the rest of the day with andrew and it was all lovely.