sixty eight.

there is a chance that nothing pains the heart so much as inadequacy. the feeling that despite your best intentions, your highest hopes, your hardest efforts, you stumble, you fall, you give up, and are defeated. how do we see grace when we feel such shame, that the only place we seem capable of looking is down?

hope is found in people. in stories in which God reaches to the least and pulls out the greats - did david not fall? did peter not doubt? but i know the end of their stories, i know what great things they did and the inspiration they've brought to others. i can't see the end of my story. all i can see right now is that which surrounds me, which i cannot seem to recognize right now.

Sixty seven.

All over the radio, papers, and online journals we're hearing things about the situation that has re-transpired in the middle east. I heard a quote from someone. He said that peace would be ideal, but they must finish this battle to the bitter end.

Why must the ending to so many a story in our world be bitter? I want to place faith in 2009, that it may bring something new. But this hope is based on one day that marks the change in a number, not a change in our world. So I just hope in tomorrow I guess. That maybe people might be able to see that we're missing what matters far too often.

Sixty six.

Somedays aren't yours at all,
They come and go as if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than your, colder than yours.

They come in all quiet, sweet up and then leave
And you don't hear a single floor board creak
They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side.

-somedays, regina spektor

I've been listening to this pretty song lately. Singing a long loudly, listening quietly.

Sixty five.

we wish you a merry christmas

christmas is upon us. it is upon me. in recent years, i have found it more and more important to take time to sit down and just reflect. growing up, it was easy to get distracted by the popularized version of christmas, which had me excited for acquiring new things. while that is a nice part of christmas for sure, it is by no means the most important aspect of it.

jesus.

what child is this?

as a christian this is the reason christmas holds any meaning to me. i respect that there are a large variety of reasons for which this season is important to others. to me, this is it. he is it. what gift should i be more happy to recieve than this? the christ child, God as human, savior. his coming foretold, his role of infinite value, and his beginnings... so humble.

away in a manger...

the complete lack of gandeur in his coming touches my heart so deeply. peace, justice, equity - these things i seek and hope for. these things i find in him. named a king, yet his beginnings are marked with circumstances rich with meaning. his mother and father rejected from lodging and forced into a stable - did they think that they'd failed God because they couldn't bring his son to the world in a better place? the first told are shephards - of a very low class in that society, and yet they matter just as much. That's my favoirte part. And the wise men.

following yonder star

they saw the star. they followed. would i have? perhaps with the wisdom and training they had to know such things. perhaps.

o come, o come, emmanuel

jesus. how wonderful is his name to my ears and my heart. may i never consider myself more worthy than the manger, may i always see the value in the shephards of the world first, may i see the sacrifice and love that was brought into the world with that baby who became a savior, and may i replicate these things in my daily life to others.

so have yourself a merry little christmas now

merry christmas everyone. we are so blessed.

Sixty four.

i find myself cycling through frustrations of late.

it goes: doing well, really happy, get a little down, frustrated at self, over think everything, cool down, feel better, doing well... and so on.

i look at some of the people i admire, and how easy going a lot of them are. i'd like to think i'm like that. the truth is i'm not. i think a lot. i over think. i'm sensitive. i'm insecure. it's better than it used to be. it's nowhere near where it should be. and here comes the frustration - i know what my problem is, at least i think i do, but i seem incapable of helping myself out. nor do i want anyone's help. undesireable emotoin equates to undersirable me in my head. is this truth? no. does that change how i feel? no.

then i think about it, and realize that i assume this one change will make things better. my utopia is me easy going. it seems a little ridiculous. i seem a little ridiculous.

you know what i realized today, other than that it's stupid cold in winnipeg? that the only person who will be around for the whole extent of our lives is ourselves. this is both sobering and encouraging to realize. how many people have gone before me, dealing with so much more than i have to "struggle" through? that means that we're equpit to get through things. others help, but we ultimately make these decisions right? right.

strength for the day. hope for tomorrow. so i'm off to bed.

We Interrupt this Blog for a Special Announcement...

COME COME COME!
There's only space for 110 people. Doors will open at 6:30.
It should be mega rad!

Sixty three.

I have beautiful friends!
A wonderful family!
An absolutely fantastic boy!
Youth that warm my heart!

It is good to be reminded of such beautiful things.