between the fireflies.

sometimes i feel like i'm always being told what to do. and that i'm expected to always do that, whether it's what i actually wanted or not.

and i'll be honest, i'm having a hard time with it today. maybe not every day. but today. i'm not really the most assertive person ever. i offer what i need to offer when someone needs it or asks for it. the people in your life should speak up on things when they care about you. but maybe not all things?

giving people the benefit of the doubt, i can say that it's probably always done in love, or just in passing and not much thought is necessarily placed on the delivery. i feel like my passiveness has caged me, and i am to blame. i need to learn to say "no, i disagree" or "that works for you, but i shall do things this way".

i'm okay with making mistakes. really, i am.

train leaving grey.

most recent favorite song: train leaving grey by mason jennings. so good.

i need a vacation. and one is on it's way, brief as it may be. i am in desperate need of it. i am taking both friday and monday off - friday to leave for the states, monday to recover from the states. actually, monday is a janessa & andrew day. i love those. it's like a saturday, but better because it's on a monday.

work has been really busy lately. and life has been busy too. we're starting to wedding plan more again, which is good. things are coming together, and i am not very stressed about the wedding specifically. maybe things surrounding it sometimes, but not it itself. i am excited though!

christmas is coming. what fun! this will be my very first busy busy christmas. i've never had to operate around someone else's christmas before, or many other people's i guess is more accurate. i think it's all together though. christmas eve and day is my family (which will be super. i love them!), and christmas night we drive out to altona and spend the next few days out there. i'm super excited for hanging out with andrew's family. i was really nervous at first, because to be honest, i really have loved my quiet immediate family christmases. BUT, my nervousness has been replaced with excitement. for many reasons!

first, andrew's sister will be home. she's hella cool and i am very happy for the times i get to spend with her, as she's all the way out in BC and thus our relationship is built on some very short home stays. i hope that in the future we're able to find ways to hang out with her more often. i think that if i met her and didn't know andrew at all, i'd like her just as much!

second, his parents are super rad, and fun to be around. basically... i cannot think of a cooler family to become a part of. and i love that i can say that with all honesty. it is not hard to be at home at their home. and they're house offers me the best sleeps ever. which i need more than anything lately.

finally.. presents! i'm so excited to give andrew his. and i'm excited to give to everyone else that i'm buying for this year as well. gift giving is such a joy for me!

anyways. nothing really important here, except that i hope that the combination of christmas and my upcoming long weekend really gives me the rest my heart, body, and mind have all been needing.

peace.

gross!

okay. i was walking to my office today - for the record, the route to my office is pretty much all high traffic area, full of students... often - and i get up to the top floor on the escalator, and before me is a couple kissing. "well okay" i though, "an affectionate little peck here or there isn't so bad". but then i realized that they weren't stopping.

they were full on, making out, for all the world to see.

what's worse?

i could actually hear them.
i almost barfed.

and so began my day.

hurricane that keeps you there, safe.

There hasn't even been someone that makes me laugh so much, gives me his shoulder as a kleenex so much, who makes me feel like i'm at home, and makes me so much more like the me i want to be.

This boy, I love. The forever kind of love.

tangles out.

okay. so this week has been really busy. really really busy. i've worked 7:30-4:45 two days this week, and today was the only day that i came in at 9, which is the time i usually come in. my day off was fantastic, and so necessary. i would have had a melt down had it not been there. that said, work is great and i am liking it very much.

going back to minneapolis soon - time is flying by so fast! that is good. july could get it's but over here and i'd be pumped. but anyways, minneapolis. i am compiling a list of things i want to get. i'm trying to take out a lot of things in my wardrobe, and replacing them with nicer, but fewer, things.

-2 cardigans: one yellow, one navy blue.
-dresses. i want more casual dresses, that i can wear to work and around.
-tights - colored tights. enough said.
-dress pants - one black pair, straight leg and cute. one other pair, to be determined when i find them.
-a few tops.
-brown boots if i happen to find a steal of a deal. otherwise, boots is not on this list.

i look forward to shopping by myself, and doing christmas shopping. i'm REALLY excited to christmas shop. i've made up my list of things to buy people, and i have a real job this year so i can feel less anxiety about the whole thing! lovely.

MLIA.

andrew introduced me to the funniest website ever.

you should probably go check out my life is average asap.

my favorites from the last two days:

A few years ago, I got a call from my grandmothers nursing home at about 3 in the morning. The nurse frantically explained to me that my grandma had taken an older man hostage, requesting chocolate milk for his safe release. You go, grandma. MLIA

Today, as I was leaving my class, I heard my professor yell "Stop!" I froze. My professor proceeded to run in front on me, and jump on a particularly crunchy leaf. He walked off, and I thought no more of it, until I got +10% on my next test, with the note: For satisfying my inner child. MLIA.

for the keeping.

fear & uncertainty.

i think that i operate based upon these too things far too often. it affects how i operate, how i relate to people, and how i go about being me on my own and me with others.

i am afraid of hurting people, disappointing people, and being rejected by people.
i am uncertain of my own abilities, my own intelligence, and of what people truly think of me.

this is a really unfortunate existence. it is not my entire existence, but when these two things begin to dominate it really doesn't work out for the better for anyone. so i am discovering. i make bad decisions, or become apathetic. i shut down a bit and hope for the best. it's not a good plan. i also end up being more and more of a push over, and not able to hold to the things that i have a right to feel, right to do, or right to be.

i love the moments when i've felt confident. when it was okay that things weren't all going well, because i had a certain level of certainty when it came to myself. i do not like this current version of uncertain.

i'm also incredibly emotional, which isn't helpful. because sometimes i forget to think about what i'm feeling, and just feel. this is not great when you need to actually make assessments of what's going on and then sort it through on your own or with others.

one day i'll figure out this life thing. until then, i will just keep having moments like right now, when i can really say that there is something to say for hermithood...

anthems sweet.

pms is seriously the worst.

i cannot think of any other time when i am completely, inexplicably selfish and grumpy. it's terrible. i mean, having dealt with depression on and off for so many years, you'd think i'd get used to mood swings and how to deal with them. but pms is a different league all together. it is its own kind of awful.

inexplicable is one of the best descriptions of it too. there is no rhyme or reason. or if there is either of these things, it gets so blown out of proportion. the end of all things wonderful happens when someone says something in a tone i interpret as less than ecstatic. or when andrew doesn't read my mind (i honestly do my best to keep from that really twisted way of operating as a female, but pms is a nasty thing, really).

i'm not saying i can blame it all on pms. i mean, i still have the ability to rationalize, but sometimes strong emotions that hit fast and hard aren't easy to calm quickly with logic. i can get borderline barbaric. like, i get so frustrated that i just shake a little and make grunting sounds, as if those things will help me articulate myself better, or realize that not having folded my rosette perfectly is OKAY.

in closing, the best quote to sum things up, taken from my friend dana's facebook page:
"My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and that this is my real personality"

Funny.
True.