fromage.

i am about to nap.

but before i do, i suppose i will write some.

i'm trying to figure out the balance of a few things right now. firstly, the balance between being a certain kind of person, or not being willing to change. what i mean is, i'm trying to distinguish the line between knowing how to identify what i need, and also being willing to change or do things i'm reluctant to do because it's what i should.

also, the balance between saying sorry and waiting for a sorry. i'm learning a lot about that one actually. i'm finding more and more that there is almost always something you can apologize for in an argument, whether you are actually correct or not. and apologies are nice difusers. they calm the situation down, and take the focus away from single sided winning. because i don't like single sided winning, but for some reason i still fight for it initially.

finally, the balance between me and God. as in, there is not so much a need for balance so much as a need for me to snap out of my apathy and start thinking more about the faith that i have claimed fuels my reasons for being. that's a big one.

an aside? as of next monday, it is exactly 6 months until my wedding day. eep. time to start planning more viggerously.

nothing's better.

yesterday i was home sick from work. i've never had a headache like that one before, and it was really not good. headaches are a lame reason to skip work in my opinion, but this was like... a whole new variety. my whole head hurt starting from the top of my neck and moving all over the rest of my head. my boss understood. i waited at a walk in clinic for 3 hours and was prescribed an anti-inflammatory for muscle pain - apparently there's enough tension in there for a headache that bad. oh boy.

but besides that, today i feel wonderful. as in, my heart feels wonderful. like overflowing exploding with happy kind of wonderful. it's really good. the best part is that it stems from two evenings that really weren't all that special in terms of what we did, but two evenings that after spending time with andrew, i was re-hit with the realization of how much i loved him. we've had some good chats, and i think i've just noticed how much more comfortable we've become with each other. it's been gradual of course, but sometimes when things happen gradually they go under your radar for a while and then all of a sudden you realize how much of a contrast now is to then. wonderful.

tomorrow is my last day of work before the holidays! i'm so excited! after it, i get to go home and pack for the weekend (altona!) and then get to hang out with andrew. saturday his sister comes home, which is very exciting (he's been counting down the days for a little while now). we're going to see the old eaton's christmas display at the children's museum (which, for the record, fills me with absolute wonderful childhood feelings and i'm so excited to go to) and then driving out to altona for the night.

then i get to start sleeping in, and doing things in the daytime. i miss that. i miss having days free to do errands, and be busy but the kind of busy that's really fun.

life is filled with happy feelings, and i'm more than happy to recieve them with open arms.

follow me down.

it is official, i am getting my wedding dress made by jill sawatsky and i'm really excited. the design is really awesome, she's absolutely amazing at what she does, and the combo of a unique and simple dress, and it being made, just makes me really happy. how lovely.

i am almost done christmas shopping, which is exciting. i love wrapping all the gifts and putting them under the tree, eagerly waiting for when i can watch people open them and (hopefully) be quite pleased. i'm going to andrew's house tonight to wrap presents. i may even put one headphone in with bette midler's christmas album on.

good things:
- a solid filing system at work that's organized. i love that feeling. nerd.
- andrew. i could write an rather large book about what love is teaching me. it's so good.
- christmas!
- an apartment that is at least giving the illusion that it might be getting warmer... here's hoping.
- knitting
- thinking about how much fun it'll be to live with andrew
- thinking about decorating our apartment once we have one
- my roommate and bridesmaid jill is engaged and i'm so happy for her. and ecstatic that i'm in her wedding party.
- t-minus 3 days until i can start sleeping in!

that is all. i hope you are having a beautiful day.

thoughts on waking up and realizing that you are, in fact, an adult.

it dawned on me the other day, that i am really an adult. while i have been over the age of 18 for a while now, it really wasn't the first thing i thought of when that day came. but honestly. especially in the last year, the decisions i've been making have been far more complicated and life altering than they ever have been in the past.

the realization actually hit me when i was allocating my retirement funds towards different investments. i am only starting to know what that sentence actually means. all i know about my retirement is that i want to be a super cool grandma. and i want andrew to be around. aside from those things (who are not stated in order of importance. that's mostly for andrew.), i really haven't thought about it. but i have to. because it's smart. and improtant.

it's an interesting moment, when you realize that you've crossed over the line that holds dependence and consultation of your parents or siblings for all things - behind you, and in front of you is making your own choices, and consulting when you need, not because you need.

this past year i've chosen a job that is career like.
i have worked with my rrsp.
i've budgeted, opened up savings, and created a general plan for the next ten years.
i have chosen the man i will marry and love for as long as i am able.
i registered for things for my physical home, with the man who defines my emotional idea of home.

it's just neat. and scary. but also neat.
i think about my life so far, and find it really strange to think about all my past experiences being in the past. grade 6 is over, and past. high school is done, and so is my first round of university. outtatown was 5 years ago already. i will be married in less than 7 months now.

i think planning for my retirement (just stating that makes me giggle a little) has made me re-realize the importance of appreciating right now. liking where i am, if for no other reason than the fact that i will not get now back.

i love my family, i love our christmas.

i love my family.


Andrew fits right in.

one small instrument.

so. christmas break is coming up fast. like. 17 more days fast. i get a really ridiculously sweet amount of time off. like... after friday the 18th, i'm not back at work until january 4th. that is amazing. i wasn't expecting that. and i'm so happy about it because that means i get to sleep in a lot and watch star trek and wrap presents to bette midler's christmas album.

i love this time of year. i like it when it's all dark in the evening and i'm cozy in my room. i like having christmas lights glowing in a dimly lit apartment with snow outside. i like reading, and drinking tea, and playing board games.

holidays are going to be great. i know for sure i would like to sleep over at my parents place on christmas eve. i think i will need to take the hide-a-bed on the main floor, which is not super comfortable, but i am excited to sleep on it because it means that christmas will not have changed too much yet. it is quite possible that i will sleep over at their place before then too, just because i miss waking up there sometimes.

gift giving is one of my favorite things in the world. i like thinking hard about what i buy people and i like seeing them be happy to recieve them. i hope i do good this year!

ashli suggested we hang out soon and knit and watch movies and it sounded like the best time ever. seriously. since then i've been thinking about how badly i want to do that. i will probably wear sweat pants. she and meghan and i have developed our "christmas" each year as of the last two years, and i am excited about this years. i found them both things in the states that i am proud of finding.

this is really long.
that's what she said.

anyways.
the lights are off in our office becasue wendy and i get headaches from the florescents. i have jimmy eat world clarity on, and there is snow falling outside the window in front of me, gathering on the ground. life is good.

consumerized.

heidi introduced me to this fun little tool!
the result of my recent shopping trip:

the taupe dress doesn't actually have the metalic belt part. and the wallet looks a little different. but the rest is pretty much bang on. the grey shirt is the exact one i bought. i love it!

i also got some christmas shopping done, which was lovely. found some inspiration buys (spontaneous buys i found and thought of someone specific) for christmas gifts. it was a success.

three boys all excited for football on a road trip = me not wanting to hear about drafting, rookies, or trading in the football sense for a loooong time. but it was a lovely trip, and yesterday i slept until noon and spent the rest of the day with andrew and it was all lovely.

between the fireflies.

sometimes i feel like i'm always being told what to do. and that i'm expected to always do that, whether it's what i actually wanted or not.

and i'll be honest, i'm having a hard time with it today. maybe not every day. but today. i'm not really the most assertive person ever. i offer what i need to offer when someone needs it or asks for it. the people in your life should speak up on things when they care about you. but maybe not all things?

giving people the benefit of the doubt, i can say that it's probably always done in love, or just in passing and not much thought is necessarily placed on the delivery. i feel like my passiveness has caged me, and i am to blame. i need to learn to say "no, i disagree" or "that works for you, but i shall do things this way".

i'm okay with making mistakes. really, i am.

train leaving grey.

most recent favorite song: train leaving grey by mason jennings. so good.

i need a vacation. and one is on it's way, brief as it may be. i am in desperate need of it. i am taking both friday and monday off - friday to leave for the states, monday to recover from the states. actually, monday is a janessa & andrew day. i love those. it's like a saturday, but better because it's on a monday.

work has been really busy lately. and life has been busy too. we're starting to wedding plan more again, which is good. things are coming together, and i am not very stressed about the wedding specifically. maybe things surrounding it sometimes, but not it itself. i am excited though!

christmas is coming. what fun! this will be my very first busy busy christmas. i've never had to operate around someone else's christmas before, or many other people's i guess is more accurate. i think it's all together though. christmas eve and day is my family (which will be super. i love them!), and christmas night we drive out to altona and spend the next few days out there. i'm super excited for hanging out with andrew's family. i was really nervous at first, because to be honest, i really have loved my quiet immediate family christmases. BUT, my nervousness has been replaced with excitement. for many reasons!

first, andrew's sister will be home. she's hella cool and i am very happy for the times i get to spend with her, as she's all the way out in BC and thus our relationship is built on some very short home stays. i hope that in the future we're able to find ways to hang out with her more often. i think that if i met her and didn't know andrew at all, i'd like her just as much!

second, his parents are super rad, and fun to be around. basically... i cannot think of a cooler family to become a part of. and i love that i can say that with all honesty. it is not hard to be at home at their home. and they're house offers me the best sleeps ever. which i need more than anything lately.

finally.. presents! i'm so excited to give andrew his. and i'm excited to give to everyone else that i'm buying for this year as well. gift giving is such a joy for me!

anyways. nothing really important here, except that i hope that the combination of christmas and my upcoming long weekend really gives me the rest my heart, body, and mind have all been needing.

peace.

gross!

okay. i was walking to my office today - for the record, the route to my office is pretty much all high traffic area, full of students... often - and i get up to the top floor on the escalator, and before me is a couple kissing. "well okay" i though, "an affectionate little peck here or there isn't so bad". but then i realized that they weren't stopping.

they were full on, making out, for all the world to see.

what's worse?

i could actually hear them.
i almost barfed.

and so began my day.

hurricane that keeps you there, safe.

There hasn't even been someone that makes me laugh so much, gives me his shoulder as a kleenex so much, who makes me feel like i'm at home, and makes me so much more like the me i want to be.

This boy, I love. The forever kind of love.

tangles out.

okay. so this week has been really busy. really really busy. i've worked 7:30-4:45 two days this week, and today was the only day that i came in at 9, which is the time i usually come in. my day off was fantastic, and so necessary. i would have had a melt down had it not been there. that said, work is great and i am liking it very much.

going back to minneapolis soon - time is flying by so fast! that is good. july could get it's but over here and i'd be pumped. but anyways, minneapolis. i am compiling a list of things i want to get. i'm trying to take out a lot of things in my wardrobe, and replacing them with nicer, but fewer, things.

-2 cardigans: one yellow, one navy blue.
-dresses. i want more casual dresses, that i can wear to work and around.
-tights - colored tights. enough said.
-dress pants - one black pair, straight leg and cute. one other pair, to be determined when i find them.
-a few tops.
-brown boots if i happen to find a steal of a deal. otherwise, boots is not on this list.

i look forward to shopping by myself, and doing christmas shopping. i'm REALLY excited to christmas shop. i've made up my list of things to buy people, and i have a real job this year so i can feel less anxiety about the whole thing! lovely.

MLIA.

andrew introduced me to the funniest website ever.

you should probably go check out my life is average asap.

my favorites from the last two days:

A few years ago, I got a call from my grandmothers nursing home at about 3 in the morning. The nurse frantically explained to me that my grandma had taken an older man hostage, requesting chocolate milk for his safe release. You go, grandma. MLIA

Today, as I was leaving my class, I heard my professor yell "Stop!" I froze. My professor proceeded to run in front on me, and jump on a particularly crunchy leaf. He walked off, and I thought no more of it, until I got +10% on my next test, with the note: For satisfying my inner child. MLIA.

for the keeping.

fear & uncertainty.

i think that i operate based upon these too things far too often. it affects how i operate, how i relate to people, and how i go about being me on my own and me with others.

i am afraid of hurting people, disappointing people, and being rejected by people.
i am uncertain of my own abilities, my own intelligence, and of what people truly think of me.

this is a really unfortunate existence. it is not my entire existence, but when these two things begin to dominate it really doesn't work out for the better for anyone. so i am discovering. i make bad decisions, or become apathetic. i shut down a bit and hope for the best. it's not a good plan. i also end up being more and more of a push over, and not able to hold to the things that i have a right to feel, right to do, or right to be.

i love the moments when i've felt confident. when it was okay that things weren't all going well, because i had a certain level of certainty when it came to myself. i do not like this current version of uncertain.

i'm also incredibly emotional, which isn't helpful. because sometimes i forget to think about what i'm feeling, and just feel. this is not great when you need to actually make assessments of what's going on and then sort it through on your own or with others.

one day i'll figure out this life thing. until then, i will just keep having moments like right now, when i can really say that there is something to say for hermithood...

anthems sweet.

pms is seriously the worst.

i cannot think of any other time when i am completely, inexplicably selfish and grumpy. it's terrible. i mean, having dealt with depression on and off for so many years, you'd think i'd get used to mood swings and how to deal with them. but pms is a different league all together. it is its own kind of awful.

inexplicable is one of the best descriptions of it too. there is no rhyme or reason. or if there is either of these things, it gets so blown out of proportion. the end of all things wonderful happens when someone says something in a tone i interpret as less than ecstatic. or when andrew doesn't read my mind (i honestly do my best to keep from that really twisted way of operating as a female, but pms is a nasty thing, really).

i'm not saying i can blame it all on pms. i mean, i still have the ability to rationalize, but sometimes strong emotions that hit fast and hard aren't easy to calm quickly with logic. i can get borderline barbaric. like, i get so frustrated that i just shake a little and make grunting sounds, as if those things will help me articulate myself better, or realize that not having folded my rosette perfectly is OKAY.

in closing, the best quote to sum things up, taken from my friend dana's facebook page:
"My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and that this is my real personality"

Funny.
True.

nothing at all.

there's no one in my office.
my ipod is playing me a delightful play list.
i'm munching on a nanaimo bar.
i think nanaimo is probably spelt wrong.

really enjoying this moment of solitude. i have much to get organized over here, and am quite pleased to be able to do it. i get to see good friends tonight. i got to see a good friend an hour ago. it's gloomy outside and therefore cozy inside. i feel content.

i feel like i must be forgetting something major to do with the wedding, because i feel very little stress or anxiety about it. which is good. unless i truly am forgetting something.

things i currently need to make more time for:
- down time
- friends
- painting
- keeping my room clean

andrew and i did our engagement photos. i have no more useless things to write here, so i'll just put up some of my favorites.

say "how long" forever.

my first one!
i went all by myself!
i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

colors seem to fade.

I need to take pictures again soon. I have kind of fallen off the wagon there. I want to use my film cameras again. I love them very much.

Here are some of the ones I like the most. I'm sorry if that is vain.

a year ago...

andrew andrew andrew, blah blah blah.
get ready for some more.

current music playing at my desk: the first mix andrew made me.

a year ago andrew and i started to hang out a bit more. at one of our first hang outs, we exchanged mix cd's. i'm listening to the first one right now.

i remember putting it on in my mom's car before i started driving home. i remember listening to the very first song, and i remember feeling really confused. it was cold in my car and it was raining a bit. i was really afraid as i drove home. because i was getting invested, and i hadn't planned on it. the timing was wrong, and i didn't trust anything i felt anymore.

a year ago, i never would have guessed, that mix cd's and that boy would affect me the way they both did. he made me another one, a few weeks later, before i left for new york for a few days. that's all i listened to, for those few days. because i couldn't shake the fact that it couldn't have been conincidence that each song seemed to be oddly romantic and relevant. cheesy? maybe to everyone else. to me? perfect. a week later we started dating. a getting close year later... here i am.

i could not be happier.

sea anemone.

i've been listening to jets to brazil a lot in the last few days, and it's perfect for fall, in my opinion.

anyways. andrew and i registered at home outfitters yesterday. we figured a registry should have one ridiculous item on it. so...



hehe..

stay up all night.

i have this overwhelming desire to post. but i couldn't think of something to write. now i have.

so enneagrams. they're numbered personality types. i can't say that i think they define people, but i think enough thought and research has been put into them to pretty accurately sum up a lot of people into the categories. i've been a "4" across the board. i laugh when i read the descriptions, because they're really true. i'm an "individualist".

Summary: " Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."

the more i get into reading them, the more i giggle. part of this personality type is that 4's have a hard time when they fit in too much, and like to be seen as something different. what makes me laugh about that, is that as i read about my personality type, i started getting annoyed that they could sum me up in a group with a bunch of other people (aka everyone else who is a 4). that thought right there kind of allowed me to realize that i was in the right category.

i think it was good to read about though. i personally do not read these to find my identity, or so that i can read a definition of myself. but i do read it to gain a bit of insight into what makes people in general tick, especially those who are not the same as me. i also think that it's helped me to see myself from a bit of an outside view, which in turn helps me to be more aware of what i do and why. which isn't bad.

anyways. that's all i have. cheers.

pet peeves. part 1.

escalator pet peeves.

1. when someone forgets they have a large backpack, and decides that it's a good idea to turn from side to side for whatever purpose.

2. conversations that happen either at the bottom or top of the escalator, so that those wanting to get on or off have a bit of a harder time.

3. up the down or down the up. funny when there is no one on the escalator. plain stupid when there are.

4. not understanding the stagger method. when there are people coming from either side to get on the escalator, you stagger sides, so that it's even. you don't just jump in because you feel your side superior.

5. and finally, the most annoying of them all: stopping and/or slowing down when getting off the escalator. this is particularly irritating when it's really busy. they're moving stairs people. they don't stop when you decide to.

fortunate fiction.

dreaming is so strange.

last night i had so many. i only remember a couple. but i also remember waking up a lot last night, each time right out of a strange dream. here are the two that i can recall.

1. someone i'd once dated bought me a gift and i got really upset, and yelled and told them they had no right to anymore, because i was engaged. weird.

2. weirder. i had to go to the bathroom very badly. i really needed to pee, and so i was trying very hard, but for some reason could not. could have had something to do with the fact that there were a bunch of ladies in the room (it was a living room with a toilet on the couch..) coaching me, and i was scared and frustrated. so i told them i didn't have to go anymore. then they started watching "i know what you did last summer", but the killer was an alien. so i snuck out to the legit bathroom and tried to pee. then i woke up. and realized i really had to pee. glad i was so bad at it in my dream...

i wonder if it was something i ate? i haven' t had dreams like that in ages.

autumn's here.

fall is here, fall is here. i'm so very happy about it! i'm glad we had our bit of sunny and hot weather (and it's not all gone yet), but i just love when the air gets crisp, the leaves change and fall, and boots and jackets start coming out! how wonderful.

this weekend was marvelous. i don't get vacation, because i'm in a term, so it's nice when i can take a day off added to a weekend and take off somewhere! here are some highlights.

andrew and i had a lovely time driving down together, listening to books on tape, and chatting.

after hanging out in rochester, we drove into minneapolis and went to a twins game! i'm not crazy about baseball, but it was a good time and andrew & doug had a lot of fun!

sunday morning we went to the zoo!

the boys had a good time...

saying our goodbye!

all in all it was a lovely visit. we got to see doug and hang out, we went out a lot and had fun, i got to shop (yehaw) and andrew and i had some marvelous conversationing in our car rides to and from.

tell the world.

today at work, i went to the bathroom. it's a public washroom, as it's in the university. it's the closest to my office and so i've seen it often. over the spring and summer, there wasn't much writing on the walls. but i guess now that school has started, so will the writing. today i looked into the stall and all i could see was...

"playboy".

really? that struck me as so odd. because, if you're going to write on a wall (which i do not condone), why would that be your choice? then i thought about our ability to express ourselves. and why, when we have a marker and a place to write where everyone could see, do we chose to write what we do? why write something like "playboy" and not something like "you are loved" or "i hope you find a reason to smile every day".

i don't know. so here we are. on my blog, which will take the place of my bathroom stall wall, and i just want to say:

you are loved. and i do hope that you find a reason to smile every day. and i think you should know that everyone has bad days but there are always good ones that come after and they are worth the wait. and i think we should all close our eyes and feel the sun shine on us on sunny days, and let that make our heart feel happy. and if you felt sad and needed someone to talk to, that it wouldn't really matter who you were, that i'd very much like to talk to you if you wanted to, or needed to.

that's all.

today part two.

i was thinking about love today. i think i grew up (probably like many others) with a very fairy tale idea of love. so this is what life has ACTUALLY taught me about the four letter loaded word. humorous and not so humorous.

love is..

- working on a reading list throughout november and december so that when football playoffs come in january you have lots to do while you enjoy the company of someone who really loves football when you don't

- singing back up for each other during your "across the universe" sing-a-longs

- having one of you say the phrase "wiggle room" and you both proceed to spontaneously... wiggle.

- making ridiculous faces at a camera together

- laughing together. a lot.

- someone hugging you and you can tell that how hard they're holding you is as much as they want you to feel that they love you, or that they're sad you're sad, or that they're happy you're happy. and it's knowing that when you hug them you're trying to convey the same message.

- wracking your brain for things you can do for the other person just so you can see them smile and know it was you who made it happen

- deciding that what's more important than having your way is having something that works for you both

finally... love is realizing that part of who you are exists in someone else, and never wanting that to go away.

back to school, back to school.

first day back at school! for everyone else.
it's kind of strange walking past everyone getting ready for their classes as i walk to my office.

weddingweddingwedding.
sorry if it's tiresome for me to talk about it. i think about it a lot right now (naturally).

we've had an interesting time getting a reception venue. as a result, we might be getting married on july 4th, 2010 (as opposed to the 3rd). independence day wedding. it'll be easy to remember!

i've picked out my colors (finally). which are green and yellow. it'll be summery and fun! i'm going to be making a tonne of stuff by hand, which i'm really excited about. once we have our big stuff out of the way, i can just casually make decorations, place cards (at least the layout), maybe invitations (maybe), and centrepieces! i love getting all crafty.

i found this diy pattern thing for paper lanterns. i'd like ones with thinner paper, so little battery tealights can be shining inside, but if that's too hard i'm fine with this!

calvary.

so i redid my blog design, and sometimes i just want to stare at it because the colors make me so happy.

fun facts about me right now:

1. i think i've developed a crush on spock from 1st generation star trek (maybe the new movie one too). most people go for the shatner, not this girl. am i the hugest dork ever? possibly.

2. i ran for the first time since the half marathon. i was proud. i could have gone back to bed. but i knew it would be nice and cool and smell wonderful outside and i coaxed myself out of bed. good choice.

3. two weeks until minneapolis round one to visit andrew's (and my) friend doug. i need to find: boots, a fall coat, work dresses/skirts, work tops, a black cardigan, and other such things. i like these boots here. i'm a fan of the mid length boot.

4. andrew & i will be doing engagement photos in the fall with all the lovely colors and i'm very much looking forward to it. it'll be really fun!!!

5. i think i'm developing a bit of a backbone. which is nice. empathy is one of my strongest characterstics. its' a blessing and a curse though. because i care about people a lot. which is good. but sometimes i care about them more than me, to the point where i'm at fault for things they did. which is not good. more and more lately i've been able to step back and realize that i don't need to deal with some things, or somtimes that i do, but not in a way that makes me feel like i'm responsible for things i'm not. it's kind of nice. i can really credit it almost 100% to andrew. because we are quite opposite in some of our views, but it balances well. so he's got the logic and i've got the empathy, and you put it together and you have a very understanding and logical couple. haha.

6. this weekend is going to be really good. i will spend lots of time outside in the sun, i will go to the beach with jess maybe, and i will get lots of time with andrew.

content!

someday you will.

okay. so heidi is my hero, and send me the link to this wedding blog:
www.oncewed.com

it's amazing.

here are some of my greatest loves thus far. some i'm keeping to myself. i like allowing some things to be surprising...

i thought these were pretty neat:

i also really never liked the idea of indoor pictures, but then found some really awesome ones. so i think i have to figure out a rain plan, just in case, but i'm not sad about that anymore which is nice. i didn't want to feel sad about indoor pictures, but i couldn't help it. thank you blog.

i also saw this. if i was getting married outside, i think i might want to have my bridesmaids wear these. i think i want a pair of cowboy boots now. i didn't before. but they're SO cute with dresses.


fun fun fun ideas. i love just looking. and dreaming up a wedding that will suit me and andrew.

your heart, my home.

some of the best things ever.

1. andrew. kind of a given.
2. thrift store jeans that fit you perfectly, but not your three best friends also.
3. waking up early to the sun. not because it's early, but because it's the sun.
4. putting my wedding together, and making it my own.
5. "the old house" - matt epp. my sister showed it to me for wedding purposes. it will get used.
6. watching episode after episode of star trek. i don't care how nerdy that sounds. it's so good.
7. a clean, somewhat put together, room.
8. mike and meghan being married.
9. making plans to paint again.
10. andrew. again. because he's the one i'm going to marry. i can't say that to myself and NOT get butterflies.

the luckiest.

i don't get many things right the first time,

in fact, i am told that a lot.
now i know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here.

and where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
now I see it everyday
and I know

that I am, I am, I am
the luckiest

what if I'd been born fifty years before you
in a house on a street where you lived?
maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
would I know?

and in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
and I know

that I am, I am, I am
the luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
that I know

that I am, I am, I am
the luckiest

engaged!
08.15.09

one thing that i adore.

current loveliest things.

- listening to "a girl like you" by pete yorn
- talking until almost 1 am with jill in our room
- new hair cuts
- feeling free and independent
- looking forward to a lovely evening out with andrew to the forks, & my favorite restaurant
- breakfast dates
- re-reading a book that completely captures my attention
- peach pie
- hugs from my dad
- being able to walk to see jess & jon
- future type things
- being able to walk to and from work
- trips coming up to minneapolis. i love planning for trips.

happy!

love & interruption.

it feels so good to accomplish something you set out to do. seriously.

i moved out, finally. it feels good! i'm sharing a room, and from what i've seen so far, it's going to be a really good time - we don't' seem to wake up to each other in the night or morning. bonus.

i bought a rolling rack to compensate for my lack of closet, and ashli came over and helped me x1 000 000 and all my clothes are hung up and in the drawers, and my half of the room is looking like a room! for the record, was VERY excited about the rolling rack.

andrew came over the other night and we just sat against my headboard on my bed with my laptop and watched and episode of bbc's robin hood. it's so good. it was just nice and relaxing and made my home so much more like home.

speaking of him. nine months! yay! i've never been happier. he is simply the most wonderfulest.

there are days when all you can do is sit back and stare out a window at the grey sky that is reflecting your mood far too well.

my heart is breaking, my mind is full, i feel paralyzed. and it has little to do with me.

in your care we confess our deepest sigh, even so, Lord Jesus come.

there are moments in our lives that change them forever. sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes it cannot be defined as either, because what it starts with (good or bad) is not always what it ends with. i sit here watching the lives of people around me be altered forever, both through a death of a son, and through very serious injury. and i feel sorrow on their behalf, i feel helpless on mine, and... all i can do is continue to look out my window.

ready & waiting to fall.

i am feeling very content lately, which i'd take over just being happy. because contentedness bring happiness, but happiness does not bring contentedness & is much more fickle.

i'm looking forward to moving. i will miss family & the comforts of home, but i think it is a good time to move.

it's the small things that get me excited. like buying towels. i bought towels. i was beaming. i'm figuring out the other things i need & just thinking about them gets me giddy. cheap thrills, but i'll take it.

jess & jon got back and it's wonderful knowing they aren't leaving again, at least not for a long while. the instant she got home andrew started to laugh at how similar we are. ie: we get ridiculously excited when we get new clothes and have to show each other. fact: the nayler girls have a tradition of fashion shows immediately after shopping. i forget that he hasn't been around them more than just christmas break this year. boy is he in for a treat.


in other news, one of the youth at my church had a really horrible accident at camp and is in the children's hospital with several breaks. she's really athletic, beautiful & wonderful, and it breaks my heart that she's in this much pain. praypraypray.

la la la la la.

1. i'm moving out. i am very excited. i did not think it would be this soon, and i'm excited and nervous and excited some more.

2. jess and jon come back sunday! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

3. i recently lifted my internet shopping ban, and will be receiving these in the mail soon from urban outfitters! (i love mail!):

i think i will feel very pretty in this one.

another scarf. it was on sale. they all were actually.

gosh i love dragons. i think andrew will like this one.

i was not allowed to get one more grey, brown, black or white item. yellow's not bad. for a color.

leaves become so beautiful.

it's july 20th today.

it has not felt like summer, and now it's more than halfway done.
i have not been able to swim and play in the sun like i wanted to. i have not stargazed. i have been to the beach once and it was very cold. i have not flown our kite yet.

sniffle.

yet at the same time, there's plenty to look forward to right now. jess & jon are home in six days. six days! also, fun weddings will be happening in august. and a cabin weekend. so that's great. and i'm looking forward to the fall. but i can wait for fall, if summer wants to come for real.

twenty four.

i might post something not about andrew one day. but for now...
the odds are good that i was more excited for andrew's birthday than he was. haha. i bought him a ben folds t-shirt, which i was super excited about, we had sushi, and...

i learned how to make and use fondant!

birthday boy!!!!!

tonight i'm taking him out for fancy shmancy dinner, and the birthday will be complete! excited.

day of rest.

falcon lake. so good.
well, it was way colder than it should be in july, but i tried laying on the beach anyways. lasted about an hour. we just didn't think very hard about sunscreen because it was so cold, and thus we both got hilariously burned. we giggled a lot. my mom did not.

we lunched, hiked, mini golfed (andrew won), went out for dinner, and drove back to winnipeg.
essentially it was just the most perfect time to have had. i got to spend the whole day with andrew, we had no real obligations all day, and i laughed more than i have in a long time.

wonderful.

you're lovely.

saturday.

for whatever reason(s), my heart has felt less okay lately. less okay for a longer period of time than usual. i have felt very insecure & defeatable & just not very good. although he does so very willingly, andrew has had to put up with a lot of girly nonsense.

i think i have shut myself down in a lot of areas in my life. i'm sorting out a lot. i have found that changes that are good for me personally are changing a lot of other things for me. and at the end have found myself more alone than i've felt in a long time. i guess in a way i'm growing into the changes that are happening with or without my consent, and am becoming more of a... adult. an adult with a healthy dose of immaturity. for the record.

so saturday. back to it. andrew and i conjured up a wonderful plan for the day that i think will do my heart a lot of good.

-i'm going over and making andrew breakfast for when he wakes up
-we're running an errand in the city
-driving out to falcon lake
-picnic lunch!
-hiking and swimming
-mini golf
-dinner at the falcon lake bakery bistro
-sunset watching
-picture taking

it's pretty much going to be the perfect day for me & andrew is the best ever because he's not really into beach stuff ect, but is doing it for me. i'm so excited for the whole day especially because i'm looking out the window at work at a dark & rainy sky.

sunshine is coming back.

roots.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. (Movie)

I like this quote. I would like to think that in love will stick around forever, but the foundational love that this quote speaks of is too often forgotten. So often when in love goes, so does the relationship. Love is a feeling, and love is a choice. Combined it's better than just one or the other.

I specifically love the part about the roots. It's a beautiful thing to stop and realize that your imagination is not good enough to create a situation without the person you love.

smiles at the moonlight like he knows her.

i would like to go far away.
alone.
just for a little bit. a week?

it's probably the worst and best idea ever right now.

eet.

A photo update on life. Go.

Luke and I went on a photo adventure and it was fantastic.

Dustin & Erynn got hitched.


My dad & I ran a half marathon together.


I went to the Ex with Ashli & Meghan. We ate lots of unhealthy food and it was marvelous.


Joelle & Kevin also got married!

And this one maintained his status as my favorite.


That's all for now!