for the keeping.

fear & uncertainty.

i think that i operate based upon these too things far too often. it affects how i operate, how i relate to people, and how i go about being me on my own and me with others.

i am afraid of hurting people, disappointing people, and being rejected by people.
i am uncertain of my own abilities, my own intelligence, and of what people truly think of me.

this is a really unfortunate existence. it is not my entire existence, but when these two things begin to dominate it really doesn't work out for the better for anyone. so i am discovering. i make bad decisions, or become apathetic. i shut down a bit and hope for the best. it's not a good plan. i also end up being more and more of a push over, and not able to hold to the things that i have a right to feel, right to do, or right to be.

i love the moments when i've felt confident. when it was okay that things weren't all going well, because i had a certain level of certainty when it came to myself. i do not like this current version of uncertain.

i'm also incredibly emotional, which isn't helpful. because sometimes i forget to think about what i'm feeling, and just feel. this is not great when you need to actually make assessments of what's going on and then sort it through on your own or with others.

one day i'll figure out this life thing. until then, i will just keep having moments like right now, when i can really say that there is something to say for hermithood...