Thirty.

Last night Jr Youth's even was a mall hunt.

I was one of the things they were hunting for.

So naturally, I required a disguise.

Thanks to my parents ideas and my dad's hook ups... I present to you:

My so called life as a hutterite lady.

Twenty nine.

I have summer on the brain.  Maybe it has much to do with my up and coming trip to Cambodia, or because I'm loving the spring time feelings (minus todays snow fall).  Here are some summer things I'm looking forward to:

+ sitting on the hood of a car and looking at stars

+ camping with friends

+ fishing. so pumped.

+ working with joelle, naturally

+ tanning

+ wearing dresses just because. it's a goal.

+ taking pictures

+ ice cream!

+ slurpees

+ road trip to ontario

+ sunglasses (provided i can get contacts)

+ bare feet every now and then

+ bathing suits and swimming fun in lakes

+ walking on a beach at night barefoot with rolled up jeans and a hoodie. one of my favorite things to do.

Wow.  Bring on SUMMER!

Twenty eight.

Stories that explain who I am a bit.

Part 6.

When I'm driving alone, I'll yell really ridiculous things at other drivers if they make silly moves.  They won't be really awful or swears, just... ridiculous combinations of words.  

For example, I yelled this one about two days ago:

"Hey there McIllegal driver, let's get things a little more legal over there!"

It's not that I roll down my window and yell these things, this is perfectly contained within my car... and usually followed by laughter.

Twenty seven.

It's Good Friday today.

In the service I attended at my parent's church this morning, there was much to think about.

1. I was comforted by the fact that I have not become emotionless to this Easter weekend, and to the meaning it has for me.  The tears I shed this morning and the overwhelming feelings that were present were accompanied by a refreshing understanding of the sacrifice that has guided my life's purpose.
   
2. I was reminded of the kind of fear I currently have of going to my own church.  The brief moments that I was there this morning dropping off something instilled in me an unrest that continues to sit in me.  We'll tackle that later.
3. Humility.  I am being called to greater humility, from the inside out.  I have very selfish thoughts and actions.  In particular, I've come to realize that I am becoming very selfish in conversations with others.  This bothers me.
4. In particular, it was the 9th station that struck me the most.  It used Isaiah 53:7-9 (you can look it up if you so desire) and the guided prayer (not something I'm usually a fan of, but liked in this case) read:

"Lord Jesus Christ, you who humbled yourself on earth for our sake and are now seated at the right hand of the Father - may we be so moved by your compassion for us that we might not only believe in you, but that we might emulate your humility and participate in your suffering; who lives and reigns with the Father and the Holy Spirit forever.  Amen."

Twenty six.

so true.  click on it to see it in bigger mode.

Twenty five.

Stories that explain who I am a bit.

Part 5.

Today was the third time I have phoned 911.

So today my sister and I were driving to Superstore.  On the way from my house to superstore, you cross a set of railroad tracks, closer to our house than the store.  When we passed them, we saw a man waving at the cars.  As we passed, Jess saw that there was someone further down the tracks laying down and another person standing with them, so we figured out that this man was not just waving or hitchhiking, he was trying to get people to pull over.  We also noted that he was a middle aged rougher looking Aboriginal man, which explains why no one had pulled over yet.

We drove until we could turn around, and then pulled a u-turn while calling for our dad to come too.  We pulled over on the other side of the street and ran across Fermor towards the

 waving man.  He explained to us that his friend was having a seizure.  Jess called 911 and I walked/ran over to the man.  He wasn't seizing any longer, but laying beside the tracks and couldn't answer me when I spoke.  While we were doing this his friends started to walk away... which was weird and we still don't know why.

Our dad came, and sirens started ringing in the distance shortly after we phoned.  As they did the man began to shake.  Before this he had just been laying on the side of the tracks but was non-responsive to me.  He was breathing.  So I knelt behind him to keep him on his side and Jess did too.  A few officers came and then the ambulance.  They seemed to recognize him and walked him to the ambulance, thanking us for "our humanity". 

What a crazy day.

Twenty four.

Transitions.

Transition stages are some of the hardest.  You have to figure out where you fit as you journey from one stage to the other.  And in those stages you have this degree of clarity that you don't have in transition.

So I'm seeking clarity.  I'm at a loss of what to do with my time.  Where to turn.  It's not like I'm sitting at home all the time staring at a phone, but I just feel restless.  And the thing is, I do not know what I am to do with my restlessness.  I've gotten a lot of school work done.  Great.  But school work isn't company, or if it is it is not helpful company.  

There are things I have become so used to doing.  And now that I am changing the way I do them, I feel lost.  I'm afraid of church tomorrow.  I am not going to Fort Garry for a few weeks, and so I've planned on going elsewhere.  But it seems it's not working out yet, and it's no ones fault, that's just how it's working.  So I feel a little lost.

On the positive side, I am definitely blessed.  I have a wonderful family that makes me laugh.  I have good friends, and I'm in learning so much in life.  These are all good things.  I just have to get used to this transition phase, until it's over and I am a little more settled.  

Twenty three.

So sick right now.

Yesterday was an awful day.  I spent it mostly in bed, if not in bed, then in my room trying to do homework.  I basically wanted to be put out of my misery.  Fever, cold, headache that no tylenol can cure... ugh.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep before 12 and then was up by 5 because I was all sweaty and gross and feeling awful again.  Shoot.  So I got up and got a Popsicle and settled in to watch a movie.

The plus side of all this?

I watched both Princess Diaries 1 and 2 in the last 24 hours.

I'm thinking I should call in sick to work tomorrow and cancel my volunteering.  I have a lot of school work and if I feel this crappy, I won't be doing myself any favors by pushing myself.

When you're sick you want company, but you just can't have any.

Twenty two.

Stories that explain who I am a bit.

Part 4

I just returned from a jr high youth retreat.  We went to Pembina Valley Bible camp, and saturday we went to Holiday Mountain for some snowboard./skiing action.

I met God on the hill.

I wasn't having the best of days.  I was tired, I had been awake more than I had been asleep the night before, I was unable to find people to partner with long term, we always seemed to get to uneven numbers and I would volunteer to be alone.  I was frustrated with my inability to pick 

up where I left off, and I was feeling saddened by the memories that I have associated with snowboarding.

So.  On my last run, I went solo up the hill, which was nice.  I moved to the hill that I wanted to board on, and lo and behold - no one else was there.  Like.. deserted.  So I start going down, and as I do, I felt a gust of wind on my face.

Wind is something I associate easily with God most of the time.  So I smiled up at the ski and said "Hello".  And as I descended the wind stayed with me and so did my smile.  I prayed to the God whose grace astounds me, and whose strength was given to me.

I met God on the hill.

Twenty one.

Today in class:

Setting - we are in a conflict res class, and we have just been given our scripts and parts for a role playing mediation circle exercise.  a guy in my class, known to make plenty of side comments and jokes is the offender, and i am supposed to be his sister.  he's a nice guy, pretty thin, likes halo and other video games as well as star wars... he's an interesting fellow.  Conversation goes as follows:

Me:  Oh look, I get to express my sisterly love for you.

Him:  I'm not going to lie, I wish it wasn't sisterly.

BAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHA!

Twenty.

something i scribbled down in church today between being one big cry-fest of a person having to leave the sanctuary for most of the service and when i was kind of okay.

"it is interesting, because although our own hearts and minds have been working together all our lives, and reside not but 2 feet from each other, they insist on working as separate entities when it seems it would count the most for them to work together.  when our heart is fragile, we can surprise ourselves with what we are capable of.  but then, we cannot take this for granted because when we dare assume we are capable of certain tasks, we find our state of fragility comes foreword and we lose our control.

our emotional-, spiritual-, physical-, and intellectual-selves are so intertwined and yet so apart."

i do not feel brave.

i do not feel strong.

i do not feel adequate. 

i suppose in our lives, we need to have moments like break-ups where we realize how little we have on our own.

  

Lord, I trust you.