pulse of life.

i have an obession with strength.

i want to be known for it, i want no one to doubt it's in me, and i don't want to ever doubt its in me. i think that's not so bad. but it's the obsession part that i'm starting to think isn't so great.

why? well, sometimes strength and pride mix up and i forget which is which. it kills me to ask for help. even when i know it's there. it's hard to pick up my phone and dial someones number because i need to hear their voice and have them say things will be okay, and not be calling to check up on how they are doing. it frustrates me to no end to be in a constant state of need. because i start feeling like i'm sucking the good energies out of people, and that they deserve better than that.

if i think about how i view my friends and relationships, i can honestly say that few things give me greater joy than to be there for them. to have someone come to me when they need someone to talk to is a huge honor. so why can't i let that be the case for others? for God? i spend a lot of time telling him that i don't understand things and asking why they happen. i spend little time accepting the comfort he extends to me. could i not be associated with the words "there is no equation for why bad things happen to anyone. they happen. and what we can do with that, is accept the comfort and love and strength that God offers us to get through it all". hm. they don't sound like me when i feel down. but i have said them. often.

i read this in "blue like jazz" yesterday, and it struck a chord with me.

somehow i had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. ... i am too prideful to accept the grace of God. it isn't that i want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that i want to earn my own way so i won't be charity.
as i drove over the mountain that afternoon, realizing that i was too proud to receive God's grace, I was humbled. who am i to think myself above God's charity? and why would i forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?

...in exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. and a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion.