wisdom.

i got my wisdom teeth out on friday.

it was pretty entertaining. i learned that when i'm coming off of anesthetics, i get both chatty and giggly. this did not bode well for the amount of gauze that was in my mouth. i giggled the whole way home. even when i was off the drugs, i thought my face looked pretty funny and took a bunch of pictures. like this one.


(do feel free to chuckle to yourself. that's the only reason i post ridiculous pictures of myself on here or facebook)

but... now it's four days later. and it still is swollen. and i don't feel very pretty at all. and i want my thinner face back. and i need to not be a jaw clencher in my sleep because i wake up with pain as a result. so please face... shrink and feel nice soon okay?

pulse of life.

i have an obession with strength.

i want to be known for it, i want no one to doubt it's in me, and i don't want to ever doubt its in me. i think that's not so bad. but it's the obsession part that i'm starting to think isn't so great.

why? well, sometimes strength and pride mix up and i forget which is which. it kills me to ask for help. even when i know it's there. it's hard to pick up my phone and dial someones number because i need to hear their voice and have them say things will be okay, and not be calling to check up on how they are doing. it frustrates me to no end to be in a constant state of need. because i start feeling like i'm sucking the good energies out of people, and that they deserve better than that.

if i think about how i view my friends and relationships, i can honestly say that few things give me greater joy than to be there for them. to have someone come to me when they need someone to talk to is a huge honor. so why can't i let that be the case for others? for God? i spend a lot of time telling him that i don't understand things and asking why they happen. i spend little time accepting the comfort he extends to me. could i not be associated with the words "there is no equation for why bad things happen to anyone. they happen. and what we can do with that, is accept the comfort and love and strength that God offers us to get through it all". hm. they don't sound like me when i feel down. but i have said them. often.

i read this in "blue like jazz" yesterday, and it struck a chord with me.

somehow i had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. ... i am too prideful to accept the grace of God. it isn't that i want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that i want to earn my own way so i won't be charity.
as i drove over the mountain that afternoon, realizing that i was too proud to receive God's grace, I was humbled. who am i to think myself above God's charity? and why would i forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?

...in exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. and a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion.

silver road.

this week has been a good week.

nothing outstanding has happened, good or bad, which i count as something outstanding and good. things i have loved about this week:

- dark purple nails. i bought new nail polish. it's dark dark purple. it gets mistaken for black, but i know it's not. i like it. it makes me feel good.
- ever since my dad started running half marathons and marathons, i've felt like it was something i would want to do one day. so i'm going to run the fathers day half marathon - with my dad. he's going to have to slow down for me, but it'll be neat. i'm scared i'll give up while training. but i told him i'd do it. and i'd probably feel as if i ruined fathers day if i didn't. how's that for motivation. now my name will be on the poster too.
- i got to see andrew more than i expected to this week. we have reading dates sometimes. he'll sit on his end of the couch, and i'll hog the rest of it with my head on his lap and we'll just read. it's nice. he's nice. i like him so much, some days i think i'm going to pop.
- i get to see dana tonight and we are making tea and i'm going to go bake something soon and we will just talk. we're good at that. but it's been too long. we got busy when she got a job, and then i worked for the summer, and we just didn't see each other very much. i have been reminded lately why she is one of my bests, and i'm excited to have a night with her.
- i started to apply for EA jobs. i think i will like it very much if i get one.
- i like tea and music and all-day email friends when i'm stuck inside.

The scope of suffering.

interesting revalation at 1:17am.

first year university, i took a bunch of random courses, as we often do. i took intro philosophy, and loved it. partly because of my professor who was a little crazy, smart, quarky, and so in love with philosophy. partly because it was the right mix of weird people all put in the same room, which proved very entertaining.

so as you could possibly imagine, we had a hard time getting off the topic of God and his existence. i was one of the few christians in the class, and was always really interested to hear everyone elses perspectives. it would seem that above all else, the christian concept of God was the one under the most scrutiny. fair enough, that's the one most people (of faith based orientation or not) knew the most about. but one thing that got to me though, was that a common opinion was that if he did in fact exist, he must surely not be loving because suffering exists in the world.

there are a whole bunch things that one can discuss in God's defence here, but taking the defensive is rarely productive. so i finally got my thoughts in order and proposed this:

suppose there is a scope of suffering. and from what we see, we have one end of the scope, which is complete utopia, everything is fine, no suffering exists. on the other side of the scope, is the worst suffering possible - the cambodian genocide, murder, rape, loss, ect ect ect. and we sit and see the reality of this far end of suffering, and wonder how a God who is loving could possibly allow this to happen?

suppose one more thing. suppose there is more suffering still. that the scope does not end there, but rather it extends past what we know. perhaps while we sit there and wonder why God isn't doing anything, he is in the very act of preventing that which we do not see.

i'm not saying that this is how it is. but i'm saying it's possible. that it's a different way to look at it.

so i've been sitting in my own misery the past few days, asking God why, if he loves me, will he not take away this burden that i thought had left a long time ago.

and now, i sit in my own humility, as i realize... maybe it could be worse.

As in a mirror dimly.

There is a good chance that one of my greatest abilities, is also one of my greatest downfalls, and that is my self-awareness.

I am very aware of myself. I can pick out where feelings come from most often than not. I can detect the source of emotions and reactions and decide if they are appropriate or not. Often they are not. I am a feel before think person. I'm not enjoying my feelings lately. I can't find their source.

I don't' know what I'm saying. All I know is that right now everything looks so dark. And I so badly need some light.

Best feelings in the world.

Top 5: Best feelings in the world.

1. laughing until tears come and sides ache
2. the combo of warm wind and sunshine
3. curling up next to andrew on the couch
4. finishing a book with a happy ending
5. grace

In addition. I've been painting and pasteling lately.

Series.

Top 5 Series begins with...

Top 5 Things I miss about being a kid.
1. an imagination so good that my memories are muddled with things i know are made up.
2. playing with my ninja turtle action figures. i wish i still had them, true story.
3. snow forts. snow forts. snow forts.
4. climbing trees and fences (minus the one fence incident where my hood got caught. that could have ended worse than it did...)
5. my dad's made up stories at bedtime. they were the best.

it was the year 2009.

Let's cheer up this blog a bit here.
Here are some of my top 5's for 2008:

Top 5 Accomplishments:
1. Flying far away on my own
2. Learning to drive a motto
3. Successfully planning the completion of my degree
4. Painting and doing artsy things again
5. Conquering "Dance Dance" on basic on DDR. I know. I aim high.

Top 5 Funny moments:
(caution, these will be long.. but funny!)
1. The motto accident, as was previously posted about. Regardless, the story shall briefly be shared. Brianna and I were in a very minor accident in Cambodia, which occurred when we had to turn very suddenly on her motto to avoid someone. Brianna managed to bail, however I was sitting sidesadle like a lady, and fell backwards, back to pavement, legs in air. Picture THAT. (...I had put on a skirt that day and then suddenly changed my mind. kind of made it all seem a bit better).
2. Laughing fit with Jon on Christmas day. It was seriously about 3 minutes long. For the record, that's a long time when you're laughing.
3. The development of the spider killing technique of: see spider, yell at spider, drop binder on spider, drop kick on binder, break binder and spider.
4. Jill and I may or may not have mooned MBCI. Kind of a remenicent moon, as we did it once the summer after grade 12, when we both "snuck out" for the first time.
5. 101 moments with Joelle at work. One to highlight may definietly be a moment during the Euro cup. There was a large group of Italian youths gathered outside of Bar Italia shouting their support for their soccer team. Joelle and I attempted to slip past with our street cleaning cart unnoticed, but it was to no avail. As we walked towards them on our way back to the office for lunch, they joined in a chorus of "YEAH CLEANING LADIESSSSS!!!!". I turn red easily. That was beyond red.

Top 5 most exciting moments:
1. Landing in Cambodia
2. Driving a motto
3. Going to Vietnam
4. Seeing the Backstreet boys
5. Exams being DONE.

Top 5 Beautiful moments:
1. 2008 was perhpas a rougher year for the emotions. I have beautiful friends who would never tire of caring for my broken little heart, and every moment that they did so so selflessly, was one of the most beautiful.
2. Watching the sun rise of ankor wat.
3. When a particular youth approached me and humboled me in a beautiful way. She, a wise beyone her years 14 year old girl (...maybe 13? shoot), expressed to me that she understood I was not doing well and was praying for me and would be there should I need it. It reminded me of the verse that begins with "do not let others look down on you because you are young". Not that I'd ever looked down on here EVER, but she spoke to me as a peer with confidence, and her heart shone out so brightly.
4. Every moment that I became aware the God was using, shaping, teaching, or loving me.
5. Many a moment with Andrew. Amongst the best, would likely be the evening we started dating, because it was perfect. Also among those would be when we were secretly smitten by the other but not saying yet, and my smittenness went beyond a hope when he shoved a chop stick through his lip ring and made me laugh really hard. I don't fall for the normal stuff...

Happy 2009. Yesterday I thought the last day of 2008 was going to be unsalvagable (crappy morning, sisterless, car accident (in which everyone was okay and it wasn't my fault), and emotional distress), but it managed to come around, as all things do. I hope you have high hopes for 2009. I know it's just one day that marks the fact that we have to cross off "2008" when we write it by accident on the top right hand corner of our notes or letters and rewrite "2009", but still. Happy New Year.