easy kill.

I remember talking with someone (pretty sure it was Dana) about relationships when I started dating Andrew. I was of the opinion that I like the beginning stage where you're all giddy, and she talked about preferring the stage where you get comfortable and settled. Well as I transition from the former to the latter, I'm seeing the merits to both, and have decided to enjoy whatever stage I happen to be in, for exactly what it is. Lately it's been a lot of sorting out some of the small things and learning how to be me with him. Sometimes there are growing pains, but I have to say that those seem insignificant next to how good it feels to be able to say what I think and feel without having reason to be afraid.

Fear. Gosh. We live in it and are consumed by it sometimes. It shocks me how much of my life it can dictate at certain points. Fear of loss, fear of harm, fear of [insert fear here]. I've realized I am constantly in a trust tug-o-war with everything around me. I seek to put my trust in those places where they belong - with God, with family, with Andrew, with friends. But when I suspect that I might get hurt at all, it's easy to want to try and pull it back in an act of self-preservation. I suppose it's a bit easier to let yourself down than to trust others, therefore allowing them to do so should that happen. That's kind of defeating the whole purpose of the trust thing though. So I try and make myself push it back. And so on and so on.

I guess with both these things - learning how to give all of me to someone that I love, and learning how to put my trust in those who it belongs with, there is a need for conscious effort. I'd love to say that trust comes naturally. And maybe it does at first, but there comes a point where we need to choose how to do it moment by moment. I used to find that frustrating. But now I like it. Because now I can go back and think of the reasons for which I trust, and it gives me cause to smile.

Risk can be worth it. It hasn't always been in the past. But right now, it sure as heck is.