fall apart so easily.

we are impatient generation. not getting instant results frustrates me. and the fact that that's the case frustrates me.

but sometimes i can slow down and just be okay.

yesterday night i had no real agenda and just sat with friends and talked about things that interest me. i loved it.
i didn't need to rush home because i left early enough that i could go to bed at a good time.
i like waking up early so i can sit down and eat breakfast and do my crossword like a grandma.
i like reading. a lot.

slow down, you're moving to fast. gotta make the moment last...

hold me tight.

flip.

andrew leaves in four hours.
11 days.

at the same time...
HAMILTON IN TWO DAYS!

are you still up this late.

i never liked roller coasters very much. i didn't like the feeling they gave me in my stomach.
so if you see where this is heading, great, if not, then... life's been a roller coaster. and my stomach is telling me so.

for the last month i've been working 6 days a week, and have had something up almost every night. two nights ago i was able to have a night to myself. i ran a few miles, cleaned my room, and went to superstore with my mom. honestly, it was a great night. i didn't have to make anyone happy. i feel like that's where all my energy goes. and don't get me wrong, i LOVE to make people happy. but with the working and the finish school stuff... my energy was slowly draining. hopefully some of that will come back, and i can put time into friends that i love and my family too.

good things?

-there are daisies on my desk. it's almost time for them to get tossed, they've been around since april 2nd, but i'll keep them as long as they aren't brown. because they make me smile.

-in exactly one week to the hour, i'll be on a plane headed for hamilton (which i have now dubbed ham-city) to visit jess and jon. i am so very excited.

-i'm finally done my part time jobs and my school stuff, so now it's just grad, summer weddings, and my job. that's a good feeling. i've never been very good at keeping a healthy schedule. i still have yet to figure out the balance between giving your time to others and keeping some for yourself. maybe i'll figure it out soon. i kind of hope so. i miss a lot of my friends.

-GRAD

-lots of future type things are looking pretty good.

that's all i've got for now.

goodnight & go

free me. please.

in your care we confess our deepest sigh,

even so, lord Jesus come.

easy kill.

I remember talking with someone (pretty sure it was Dana) about relationships when I started dating Andrew. I was of the opinion that I like the beginning stage where you're all giddy, and she talked about preferring the stage where you get comfortable and settled. Well as I transition from the former to the latter, I'm seeing the merits to both, and have decided to enjoy whatever stage I happen to be in, for exactly what it is. Lately it's been a lot of sorting out some of the small things and learning how to be me with him. Sometimes there are growing pains, but I have to say that those seem insignificant next to how good it feels to be able to say what I think and feel without having reason to be afraid.

Fear. Gosh. We live in it and are consumed by it sometimes. It shocks me how much of my life it can dictate at certain points. Fear of loss, fear of harm, fear of [insert fear here]. I've realized I am constantly in a trust tug-o-war with everything around me. I seek to put my trust in those places where they belong - with God, with family, with Andrew, with friends. But when I suspect that I might get hurt at all, it's easy to want to try and pull it back in an act of self-preservation. I suppose it's a bit easier to let yourself down than to trust others, therefore allowing them to do so should that happen. That's kind of defeating the whole purpose of the trust thing though. So I try and make myself push it back. And so on and so on.

I guess with both these things - learning how to give all of me to someone that I love, and learning how to put my trust in those who it belongs with, there is a need for conscious effort. I'd love to say that trust comes naturally. And maybe it does at first, but there comes a point where we need to choose how to do it moment by moment. I used to find that frustrating. But now I like it. Because now I can go back and think of the reasons for which I trust, and it gives me cause to smile.

Risk can be worth it. It hasn't always been in the past. But right now, it sure as heck is.