better after.

something more cheerful?

amazingest blog of my life at the moment: http://betterafter.blogspot.com/

you are welcome.

my wandering.

i was "given" this verse yesterday. and i find it fitting (this person knew who they were writing to, this i know).

one of the hardest things i have ever had to do is admit weakness and rely on others. right now i feel like i have to do that every day.

Lamentaions 3: 19-23
¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

less to be consoled.

lately i've been meditating on song lyrics a lot. i've always had a particular love of music of all kinds.

the song i've been listening to the most is "peace prayer" as sung by steve bell. the lyrics are beautiful, simple and rich with meaning. i find them soothing. i'm holding on to a lot of things right now, some good and some not good. i need to step back. this is a song of transformation and letting go of self.

Lord make me a means of Your Peace
Where there’s hatred grown
Let me sow Your love
Where there’s injury Lord
Let forgiveness be my sword
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

Lord make me a means of Your Peace
When there’s sadness here
Let me sow Your joy
When the darkness nears
May Your light dispel our fears
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

Lord grant me to seek and to share
Less to be consoled
Than to help console
Less be understood
Than to understand Your good
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

Lord grant me to seek and to share
To forgive in thee
You’ve forgiven me
For to die in thee
Is eternal life to me
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

fall clothing makes me smile.

Clothing inspiration lately has been found from...

Pinterest posts:


What would a nerd wear blog (amazing)

15:30 - 17:30

let me tell you a little something about road rage.

i get it.

yes, though my personality screams sweet, funny, charming, and empathetic most of the time... get me on a day with little sleep and BOOM. road monster.

perhaps it's not QUITE that bad, but it's pretty intense.
today on my drive home i was very tired. i just wanted to get home. i needed to pick up some hair elastics from a pharma plus, so i took a bit of a detour. on my way into a turning lane i got cut off (pet peeve) by a black sports car without a signal (bigger pet peeve).

so needless to say, i was pre-peeved for what happened next. he then proceeds to go into the same turning lane as me and signal to turn left at a spot that has a clear "no turning between 15:30 and 17:30" (honestly. i google mapped it to make sure). it is 4:30 pm. AKA 16:30! AKA IN BETWEEN THOSE TIMES!

now, i'm not one to lay on the horn. most of the time. so i gave him a "just so you know, you're really keeping me from where I need to go, and illegally, at that" honk. nothing. so then i skip right past "PLEASE stop turning left and let's all keep going" to "HEY JERK FACE! I WANT TO DRIVE NOW!".

black sports car drivers door opens, and a head shouting some choice words at me pops out. (honestly, pretty grateful it was just his shoulders and head that came out, rather than all of him to walk over to my car). me, because i'm too angry to open my door too, shouts back from inside the car where he can't really hear me "READ THE SIGN!". he looks up, shuts his door, and keeps on his merry way.

i'd like to think that he kept going because he was embarrassed and too prideful to stop what he was already doing and realized he was wrong and i was right. that said, he could have just been spiteful. regardless... I'M actually kind of embarrassed.

i encourage the youth i work with and my brother and others in my life to stop to consider the interactions we have with others. i often push for people to work hard to be a good part of someone's day rather than a bad part. i can be quoted to have said that we should return frustrating or mean things with kindness. where was all that in my road rage moment?

yes, he was in the wrong (i google mapped it, i have proof).
yes, i was tired.
no, that does not make it better.

so here's to working on a better response for next time.

beehive.

so i have been putting my long hair up in a high pony tail, and then spinning it into a bun and pinning it on top. tonight, after a long day of being up, it started to unpin itself. the result? it looked like i had a beehive hair style. awesome.

a time.

"there is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens"
ecclesiastes 3:1

i will never be able to exchange the last few days for anything in the world.

my sister articulated it quite perfectly when she said that one of the most touching things to think about with our grandparents, is how much they went through in order for us to be where we are. i can't help but sit here and be very grateful for what i have, and those who played a part in giving it to me.

the weight of a life.

'when are you coming to see me?'

an innocent question that my grandmother asked me today, that in any other context i wouldn't have thought too hard about when replying with 'soon, i'd love to come see you soon'. but everything changes when someone is dying and asks you that exact question.

boom. why did it not dawn on me to visit her before she died rather than at her funeral? by all means i wish i could go to the funeral, it would mean a lot to me. but when i weigh it all out, isn't her presence in life a really special thing? especially in these last days?

tomorrow i find myself on a trip to kingston. i have no idea what the future holds in the days that i plan on being there, but i'll be there. and it will be hard, but perhaps it will be also good.

More stories of an arachnophobic

Also posted on facebook, but it's still funny:

It's been a while since I've shared one of my "special" spider moments. Alas, it was bound to happen at some point.

Tonight, while Andrew and 1/2 of Winnipeg was at the U2 concert, I went to family dinner. After a wonderful meal and part of an episode of "The Voice" I left to head home.

As usual, I got in the car, buckled up (safety first), and started the car. Right as I begin to accelerate I catch a small movement from the corner of my left eye. I turn to look and lo and behold... a nasty hideous terrifying spider drops from the top of the door where it meets the window and begins crawling back up it's nasty hideous web. It then proceeds to attach itself grey self to my window and go all flat. Yes, it's one of those. A flattening grey spider. Nasty type. Actually, just particularly ugly thus more frightening.

I let out a terrified yelp and slam on the breaks (approximately 10 feet from a stop sign and rather crooked on the side of the street) and proceed to do the following all in one quick fluid motion:

1. Put on the parking break
2. Mutter some unmentionables under my breath (I know I shouldn't... I was scared)
3. Check to see that the car is in neutral. Can't have it stall and make the spider fall somewhere I can't see
4. Jam on the hazard lights
5. Crawl OVER the break I've just pulled and into the passengers seat
6. Open the passenger door and make a hasty exit

What's missing in this list? Oh yeah... turning the car off. Forgot about that.

Regardless, I ran VERY quickly back into my parents house and called for the assistance of one Michael Nayler (my dado) to come slay the beast. And slay it he did. After some looking... very tricky those grey flattening types

In conclusion, I am still afraid of spiders and my dad is still a hero.

sewing project the first.

andrew's mom gave me a sewing machine
(the kind that's attached to a table).

this gift was met with much excitement and magical plans.

fast forward many months.

i have not done a single thing on with the sewing machine.
but you can only put off magic plans for so long.

so i bought a pattern.

and i also bought some awesome mustardy yellow/gold fabric.

while it resides on my head in this photo,
it will really become a skirt, i swear.
the same as the one the girl is wearing.
minus ugly fabric, plus awesome fabric.

i'm starting this today!

i can hear you now.

does anyone else ever think about how many things we must miss because we will never know what someone is truly thinking or feeling in any given moment? let me be the first to say that this is probably a good thing most of the time - our snap judgments and emotions are not often to the benefit of those around us. but perhaps many things would make more sense if we were able to know a deeper truth than we're allowed to see.

courage, dear heart.

Lucy leant her head on the edge of the fighting top and whispered, "Aslan, Aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now." The darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little - a very, very little - better. "After all, nothing has really happened to us yet," she thought.

"Look!" cried Rynelf's voice hoarsely from the bows. There was a tiny speck of light ahead, and while they watched a broad beam of light fell from it upon the ship. It did not alter the surrounding darkness, but the whole ship was lit up as if by searchlight. Caspian blinked, stared round, saw the faces of his companions all with wild, fixed expressions. Everyone was staring in the same direction: behind everyone lay his black, sharply-edged shadow.

Lucy looked along the beam and presently saw something in it. At first it looked like a cross, then it looked like an aeroplane, then it looked like a kite, and at last with a whirring of wings it was right overhead and was an albatross. It circled three times round the mast and then perched for an instant on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow. It called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them. After that it spread its wings, rose, and began to fly slowly ahead, bearing a little to starboard. Drinian steered after it not doubting that it offered good guidance. But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "Courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.
~C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I do not mean to be over religiony to anyone. But I have to say, that tonight a prayer was answered. A fearful, worried, desperate for hope prayer. Andrew and I drove out to his parents place tonight. We left winnipeg, knowing that the weather wasn't great. It seemed okay as we drove down the75. We turned onto the 201 thinking we'd be okay.

By the time we realized it was not okay, it was too late to turn around. I am not kidding, we honestly had zero visibility on the high way with so much snow blowing across the road. We almost drove into the oposite side's ditch, thinking we were still going straight on the right side.

We got to the point that we pulled over and stopped with out hazards on. This was hard to do, because we didn't know how soon someone coming behind us could see us. We prayed together, asking for help and safety. As we started going again, I prayed in my heart for delivery. I remembered the text above from Voyage and I begged for an albatross.

Our albatross came.

We saw lights approaching us from behind. A truck stopped behind us, and then slowly pulled up beside us. I rolled down the window (Andrew and I had switched on this highway, so I was driving) and they rolled theirs down too. I shouted that I couldn't see the road, and they told us to follow them. They led us right into Altona and to safety.

Prayer is a beautiful thing.

boom boom boom.

you know what? i really love "firework" by katy perry. yes, i said that. i'm planning to put together a completely shameless pop mix of songs like that, and lady gaga's "bad romance" and sing a long in the car by myself super loud. it'll be great.

spring is slowly on its way... i am ready to welcome it with great affection. it's been a while since i've gone for a leisurely walk outside and taken my time as i go from place to place. it will feel good to have the windows in our apartment open again.

speaking of which.. are these not the cutest? man. they can be found on sabahnur's etsy page. sometimes i go onto etsy's main page just to get color scheme inspiration. what am i color scheming? nothing at this point. we can't paint our apartment. but one day i'll be able to paint... something!

i have been having dreams again lately. i hear we have dreams every night, so more specifically i've been remembering my dreams more lately. i've decided i will write them down a bit, and perhaps doodle them on occasion. while i'm not terribly big into dream interpretation in todays sense (direct definitions for elements of dreams found on the internet or fancy journals), i like thinking about the biblical significance that dreams had. they changed lives. they predicted things. do they still have that kind of power? i don't know, but it would be neat.

back to spring. it's a good season. things melt away to reveal newness and growth. i'm ready for spring. in every sense.

and then i might.

sweat pants... check.
1992 world series blue jays crew neck sweater... check.
across the universe sound track... check.

i haven't had a night at home alone in AGES. this will be awesome.


as in, i am about to do a lot of cleaning and feel very satisfied.

it has been quite some time since i sat down here, but recently i was encouraged to do so again. so here i am.

i won't lie, i'm feeling a lot of pressure to deliver an excellent and insightful post after leaving it so long. but i tried a few times and they got lame. so i'm just going to write some things that are going on.

i'm completely immersed in "merlin", the bbc show about (you guessed it...) merlin! i am a fantasy, sci fi dork, and i am currently becoming completely okay with that. i have a crush on colin morgan (merlin). he's scrawny and cute. andrew said it's okay.

writing that made me think of the fact that i have spent so much of my life feeling extra aware of what people think of my interests. i think it's when i went and go into the local christian punk scene in winnipeg that this happened... all of sudden it was fashionable to be unfashionable. does that make sense? but i think i'm just now working my way out of caring so much about what people think.

want to know something funny? i actually think about if people notice my tiny four guaged ears because i think they make me cooler. how awful of a confession is that? but there it is. off my chest. phew. i can relax again.

i think this fixation on being awesome for others is being dawn more to my attention while working with the sr high's at youth. they're so awesome. but they remind me how much we think about things that waste our time. i think it's in blue like jazz (donald miller), or the screwtape letters (cs lewis) that the author says something like "one of the ways Satan lies to us is by distracting us and making us feel something is really important when in reality, it's just wasting our time that should be given to God". that's the concept of what's said. it probably shouldn't be in quotations actually. it's not a quote. except from my brain.

anyways. i think that's it. i waste a lot of time on what people think. i've done it while typing this. funny isn't it? i guess being aware it's happening is a good thing. now to do something about it...