it has been quite some time since i sat down here, but recently i was encouraged to do so again. so here i am.

i won't lie, i'm feeling a lot of pressure to deliver an excellent and insightful post after leaving it so long. but i tried a few times and they got lame. so i'm just going to write some things that are going on.

i'm completely immersed in "merlin", the bbc show about (you guessed it...) merlin! i am a fantasy, sci fi dork, and i am currently becoming completely okay with that. i have a crush on colin morgan (merlin). he's scrawny and cute. andrew said it's okay.

writing that made me think of the fact that i have spent so much of my life feeling extra aware of what people think of my interests. i think it's when i went and go into the local christian punk scene in winnipeg that this happened... all of sudden it was fashionable to be unfashionable. does that make sense? but i think i'm just now working my way out of caring so much about what people think.

want to know something funny? i actually think about if people notice my tiny four guaged ears because i think they make me cooler. how awful of a confession is that? but there it is. off my chest. phew. i can relax again.

i think this fixation on being awesome for others is being dawn more to my attention while working with the sr high's at youth. they're so awesome. but they remind me how much we think about things that waste our time. i think it's in blue like jazz (donald miller), or the screwtape letters (cs lewis) that the author says something like "one of the ways Satan lies to us is by distracting us and making us feel something is really important when in reality, it's just wasting our time that should be given to God". that's the concept of what's said. it probably shouldn't be in quotations actually. it's not a quote. except from my brain.

anyways. i think that's it. i waste a lot of time on what people think. i've done it while typing this. funny isn't it? i guess being aware it's happening is a good thing. now to do something about it...