talk of poetry.

it would seem i'm having a lot of escalator moments like the ones i mentioned several posts back. the world is constantly moving, but like a child with an escalator i'm afraid to try and get into the pace. so i stay stationary and watch.

why is church such a hard place for me to be right now? it has a particular effect on my emotions, my emotions that i'd very much like to keep to myself right now. but suddenly there they are, streaming down my face for everyone to see. that said, there was beauty in the brokenness of today. for the first time in a long time i was singing the words on the screen and really meaning them. i have not really meant it in a long time, and i've been very aware of it. it troubled me. but something shifted in my heart. unfortunately, the amount that i meant them translated into not being able to sing them anymore because when i get choked up i can't keep singing. so i stopped.

sometimes i wonder what people think when i stop. when the see someone not singing. sometimes i care what they think. today i didn't really. i just hoped they weren't noticing at all.

jesus jesus jesus. i don't understand him fully. i have been reading through the gospels in an attempt to really think about him and who he was. he's kind of rad. he really stirred things up. pardon me, but he's kind of my favorite shit disturber. but there are things that he said that i wish i understood. trying to understand them is hard too. a lot of times religious people take scripture and mold it to their own agenda, their own message. and it kills me.

the new testament is a love story that people use for hate. isn't that kind of gross?

i don't really know what i'm typing, or why i'm choosing to type it. i guess there's just a lot going on in my head and i don't know what to do with all sometimes.