Sixty two.

The tone of this post will be a bit of a contrast from the last, but that's okay.

A few things getting me down of late (though in general i am feeling quite happy).

1. i was listening to the news and heard about the walmart employee who was killed on black friday because a crowd broke down a door and trampled him. i almost started to cry. that sums up a lot of what is wrong with the society we're in. i don't want to get going on some anti-capitalist rant, but it just broke my heart that a sale ended up being more important to people than a man's life. i wonder what kind of things he liked to do with his free time? how is his family doing? was he in love with someone and now that's ruined? i just don't understand.

2. it's honestly been about a month and a half since i've been able to sleep in. i go to bed late and i get up by 8am. my body is so so tired. it's telling me that i'm not being fair, but school and work are just taking priortiy right now. i'm gettng sick. today i worked from 9-3 and right now i'm home and my face is burning but everything else is cold. i feel miserable and sorry for myself and then frustrated becasue i'm being a whiner.

3. my time is just slipping away from me. i have been putting off getting together with beautiful friends whom i adore bceause i just can't go out right now. school is too hectic. it's sad when i have to tell meghan and ashli that i can't hang out for weeks in a row. and i always feel like my time with the boy is so limited. this week i may not see him at all. that's awful. he has been my anchor in all this. makes me feel like i can count on at least one thing to make sense and be dependable.

4. money right now is a bad scene. my parents have been champs in helping me out, but they shouldn't have to be. i've not been very responsible and i need to really not let this happen again.

when all this is done, i will do the following things and they will make me happy:
-i will sleep in. nothing stirs prior to 10am
-i will see the boy. and give him a million hugs.
-i will read my bible.
-i will read books that i am chooosing to read. in bubble baths.
-i will wrap gifts and make them beautiful
-i will write skits for youth
-i will paint things

Sixty one.

Okay. So I think we spend a lot of time thinking of things that we don't like about ourselves. I don't like this. There hasn't been a person in this world that I've met that I can't see something beautiful in. It's true.

We find what we're looking for. When we have bad days, they often seem to get worse and worse, because we stop looking for beautiful things around us. We limit our sight. But when we consciously think to look for beauty, we will find it. I think that everyone should find bit of their beauty. To look for it every now and then.

So here's something about me that I like.
I really try hard to take notice of things that are easy to overlook, and look for moments in the day that are very small, but are big to me because no one else notices or sees them. Here come examples:

-I like how every time I use a hand blow dryer, I get frustrated at first with how my hands never ever seem to be drying. But there always comes that point where you suddenly notice that they're pretty much done. It's an instant shift. It never seems gradual. It's exciting.

-I love to kick slush off of mud flaps. It's so satisfying.

-I like watching people on the bus. I like seeing them smile to themselves, and hope it's because something in their life is lovely.

-I like to pray for people I see on the street, or at university. Sometimes when I see a girl crying alone, I pray for her and wonder how many people are doing that for me and I don't know it. It's kind of neat. I like that they don't know.

-I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from listening to a song that fits my mood or thoughts perfectly. It makes me feel connected to bigger things than just myself.

-When I get an outfit just right, I feel really pretty and awesome.

-Cuddling and hand holding are wonderful and make me feel warm inside.

-When one of my jr youth girls calls me about something that's going on in her life, I feel complete. Like I'm doing something right.

-When we have our Christmas tree up, sometimes I'll get out of bed late at night with a blanket and lay on the floor beside it looking up at the lights. It's so beautiful.

-I like it when my brother and I have good conversations.


-...There's so much more I wish I could put down. But this will do for now.

Oh beautiful world. I love you.

Sixty.

sometimes we have to listen.
other times we have to think on our own.

sometimes we have to decide.
sometimes, delaying is the best choice.

sometimes we are alone.
other times we just feel like we are, because we're not hearing what we want to.

sometimes we right, sometimes we're wrong.

all the time we learn.
we learn who our friends are.
we learn what we're made of.
we learn what's important.
and most importantly, we learn about ourselves.

life: it's about trust, it's about grace, it's about risk, it's about love.
it's about knowing when care is at the core of someones words, and dwelling on that before anything else because you trust their friendship. it's about grace for when we are wrong, and grace when we are right. it's about taking risks when we make a decision and don't know the outcome. and it's about love. loving one another and seeing love in one another.

it's just hard sometimes.

Fifty nine.

Twenty two.

Today I turned twenty two.
It was a very lovely day. All of it.

Fifty eight.

New York and Jesus.

These two things sum up my thoughts right now.

New York.
Yesterday night I returned from a whirlwind adventure in New York, where I attended Mennonite Central Committee's United Nations Office's 13th Annual Student Seminar on Global Food Security. It was super interesting and a great experience all around. I got to lean a lot about a topic I didn't know very much about and also got to see the city and have fun with my friend Jenna. It's a pretty neat place which I plan to return to with more free time and a digital SLR. I came back thrilled with the experience, and definitely thinking really hard about my role as a global citizen and christian when it comes to responding to the various challenges our world faces.

Jesus.
Having been raised in a home devoted to the Christian faith, it struck me and humbled me to realize how little I know Jesus. At one point later in high school, I realized that my faith was based entirely on the convenience of having been raised in that context. After a brief struggle I made the conscious choice to be a person of faith on my own accord. Since then I've had a number of really meaningful experiences and have grown a lot.

But today it hit me how little I've been putting into my relationship with Jesus lately. It broke my heart actually. The realization that my hearts been in the wrong place for a while is both humbling and shameful. I constantly advocate for Christians to not drift into apathy and to consider the meaning of their actions and choices. To not act on Religious Auto-pilot. Then... bam. I realize that I've been drifting that way.

So here we go. Auto-pilot is off. Religion rejected, faith embraced anew, and Jesus and I scheduled for many a friend-date.