Fifty six.

This is a post about sisters. As in, my sister and I.
She moved to Hamilton this year and I miss her. She comes back in December which I am greatly anticipating, but that will still be the longest we've ever been apart aside from the three years that she was alive and I hadn't quite gotten around to that yet.

She's my absolute favorite friend.
Right now I'm listening to the Regina Spektor song that finishes "Prince Caspian". This is probably a bad call because it's making me cry a little. It's a beautiful song.

The Call - Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope.
Which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder until it was a battle cry.
I'll come back when you call me.
No need to say "Goodbye"

Just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war.
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say "Goodbye".
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say "Goodbye".

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let you memories grow stronger and stronger
'Till they're before you eyes.
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say "Goodbye"
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say "Goodbye".

Fifty five.

This is my problem.

I rarely let God be "enough" for me.

I can say that he's my main man. My number one priority. My everything. And I can want so badly to mean it. Sometimes I really truly do.

Then it hits me: I'm a screw up. I can't keep to what I commit to.

It happens so fast too. I'll be walking along my path, trying to focus my eyes ahead, to fix them upon Jesus, and then bam. I trip. Or maybe it's not that I trip so much, as I look away and I loose my confidence. Like Peter on the water.

It's funny, because I am always critical of Peter when I read that story. Why didn't he just keep looking at Jesus? Seriously - he was WALKING ON WATER. Buddy, wouldn't the time to doubt doing it be before you got out of the boat and STEPPED onto the SEA?!?! Seriously? Seriously. But wait... it's exactly what I do too.

So what makes me look away? Why, when I know in my heart that all but He is temporary, will I choose to try it on my own?

You live, you learn.
Well I feel like I'm doing a lot of living, and not quite as much learning. I need to really understand that He is more than enough for me, and that when I am able to marvel in that fact, truly marvel in it, I will be able to figure out the rest.

Fifty four.

It is time for a post that is neither vain nor involving pictures of me.

Things are really looking up lately. My heart has been feeling very heavy. Shadowed. But the sun is coming out again! The feeling that gives me is one of great joy. Interesting. Joy.

The past few months I've been struggling a lot with making a decision. Sorting though it all it hit me hard - I'm no longer a child. This was the point at which I realized that certain decisions I make now are ones that will really impact the rest of my life. How scary is that? Honestly. I feel older than I am most of the time, but a reality such as this one made me want to be small again. Am I ready to make these decisions? What if I make a mistake that follows me? I was so afraid. I stood still because I was too afraid to go either direction, for fear of "what ifs" sneaking in.

Where does joy fit in here? I went for coffee to talk my parents pastor, Mary, about my dilemma. As we talked it out, I was able to openly admit that I knew what I was supposed to do, but felt so weak. Before we parted, she had this to say to me. "My prayer for you during all of this is that you will experience God's joy through obedience". I didn't think it was very likely to happen at the time.

Here I am. Living in a moment in which God is actively answering someones prayers. Seriously. The shift doesn't have to do with happiness, though that has come along with it. It's more than that. It's my heart.

Beautiful. I feel strong. I feel good.

Joy!