out with the old man.

i think i'm becoming who i want to be more and more each day.

i've found it in myself to get really discouraged about how i'm not there, and have forgotten to focus on the fact that i'm getting there. which is a touch ridiculous, as we never will be everything we want for ourselves, but we will constantly be seeking ways to better ourselves, and this is good. it is not bad, and i do not have to make it bad.

i'm learning how to take things as they come. the world is changing around me, and life doesn't stop when you need it to. so you keep going. and you find the people you can lean on when you need to.

i'm learning how to balance the needs of others with my own (finally...). i have a friend who is very very intentional about the things she does for her friends, and i think its' wonderful and i want to be like that. at the same time, as i am becoming a stronger, more independent woman, that i am able to discern when it is best to deal with some tension in order to make things better, rather than to try and fix it all the time and have issues repeat themselves. we can be intentional both ways. for so long i just assumed it my job to make everything right. that's not really one persons job.

i'm learning that i can set my mind on something and i can do it. i ran a half marathon. i hated running. i hated all things athletic to be honest. but it felt good to do something that actually required me to put time and energy into preparation for it over months, and then to do, and do it well. there is a very wonderful feeling that accompanies that.

i love that there are peole around me that really support all of these things. i'm excited about what is to come.

missionary.

So I recently was asked by one of my youth girls if I could answer a bunch of questions for a school project. They really got me thinking, and answering them was a really good reminder of what I've been through. Here's the Q&A.

Why did you become a missionary?

The word "missionary" is an interesting one to me. When I have gone on my short trips abroad, I have certainly done work for God, but I never considered myself a missionary because of that. I see my whole life as a mission, not just the trips I take. I have made a decision to follow Christ, and his teachings. In the New Testament he said that the greatest commandments were to love God and to love others. So, in applying that to my daily life, I guess that would be what might make me a missionary.

Did you enjoy being a missionary?

I enjoy living to serve others and serve God. The word service can sound like it's not a lot of fun, but I have to say that it has been when I'm serving God that I am able to experience a completely new kind of joy that nothing else can bring! I've traveled to Guatemala, Cambodia, Vietnam, through the States and all over Canada, and have had some of the most amazing adventures while out serving God.

What kind of things did you do in B.C.?

Well I was in BC with the Outtatown program that CMU offers. We did a lot of stuff, but what I'll highlight is my time in Vancouver. We spent a week doing an inner city plunge in Vancouver. Vancouver has some very rough neighborhoods. I could talk for hours about that week alone, but I'll just let you know what we did - we were made to experience a little taste of homeless life, when on our first day we were sent out with no food and no money for the whole day. We talked to the homeless and got to know some of them as real people. We went out one night and we gave roses to prostitutes working, telling them that they were loved and wished them a safe night. That was a truly incredible experience, for the record. In addition, we gave out food and basically we served those around us. It was wonderful.

What kind of things did you do in Guatemala?

In Guatemala we did two weeks of service with Habitat for Humanity, five weeks of studying Spanish, two weeks of service, and a week of travel. With Habitat we split into small groups and helped to build houses. It was really cool, because I got to do a lot of things that normally I would never have done. I got to mix cement with a shovel, I learned how to build brick walls, and got to do a bunch of other construction stuff. My first service week was spent painting a church, and was so much fun. The second service week I was helping to build a community centre. That week was so draining but one of the most rewarding experiences of my entire life. My team would work from 7am-5pm doing construction, eat, and then go play with kids from 7-9. It was my favorite part of the whole trip.

Who did you go with? Why?

I went with CMU's Outtatown program. We had a team of 33 people in total - four leaders and 29 students.

Were there any times when you felt like God wasn’t there? When?

I do not remember any time that I felt God was not there, but there were many times that I felt he was far away. I struggled with depression throughtout the whole year, and in a lot of my downs it often felt like God was drifting away from me. One of the worst times was in the first semester (which was the BC portion). I just felt like I was completely alone in the world, and that no one cared. How that moment got fixed I'll answer in the next question. :)

Were there times when you felt God was really close to you? When?

The whole year was a year where I drew closer and closer to God. There were the times that he felt far away, like I mentioned in the last question, but if I look at the year as a whole, I grew so much. One of the times I felt closest to God was that day that I felt completely alone. That night everyone was in a worship session, and I was sitting alone in the dining hall of the camp we were at, crying and miserable. The speakers son came in to the dining hall, unable to find where the session was. I took him there, and when I entered the room, it was as if God had used the speakers son to call me back to his presence. Everyone was praying for each other, and broken I went up to some friends and asked for prayer. It was a night of healing that I will never forget. It showed me that it's true that God will leave the heard to find the one lost sheep.

Any other experiences:

So many! Haha. Basically, the year showed me what joy through service is. Some of my most memorable and wonderful moments in the year were the ones that happened when I was serving. There were good times in our free weekends and on our travel week, but it's the service that I remember. It is just really neat to go to a new country, and work with Chrsitians who speak a different language and are from a different culture, but you have Christ in common.

hometown fantasy.

i do not think there are many things better than having andrew show up at work with a rose in hand, because he could tell that my heart was feeling a bit heavy. as i look at it now, it reminds me that i'm loved.. sometimes, we just need that reminder. not because we doubt we are loved, but because we sometimes let that knowledge take the back burner to less important stresses and struggles in life.

stop.
love.

graduation day.

dad took this one. i love it a lot. excited!

love.

parents!

hinges bursting free, as to say.

time moves at a steady pace, when often i feel as though i do not.

tomorrow morning i graduate. i am filled with excitement as i think of it. just seeing the graduates from today in their cap and gown attire left me with butterflies of anticipation. it's an important day to me. maybe for some that goes without saying, but everyone views the ceremony differently. me, i am looking forward to it. it marks the moment where i will have an official certificate representing the years i've spent in university building up to this. it will be a very special day.

i am very happy to be spending that whole day with andrew, and good parts of it with family and friends. i will definitely miss jess and jon being there, though it's more than understandable as to why they are not.

although the requirements to my degree were met many months ago, this officializer represents a moment where i step from one part of my life to another. here's hoping that i don't trip. (kidding...)