Fifty three.

Extreme makeover Janessa edition.

So new glasses happened.
And now this.

Before:

and... after!

i just love it.

Fifty two.

This week has been awesome.
I got two pairs of glasses, and am entertaining the idea of going to New York at the end of October for a conference (cross fingers!).

But this post is about the glasses. Here they are:

Fifty one.

Bike riding.
Tree climbing.
Laughing.

I did all of these today.

Fifty.

I've been a downer lately. I'm also having a hard time talking about it sometimes, because even I tire of what I have to say. Of explaining how I just am incapable of helping myself right now. I'm not helping. I know it. I'm weak. I know it. I have the ability to be stronger, I know it, but I can't seem to find it. I'm asking God for help, but I know almost as well as he that I'm not meaning what I'm saying yet. How much do I have to hurt before I'll mean it? Eghads.

There is hope though, there is always hope. It comes in many different forms. People re-humanizing themselves to me and helping me to realize that we're all capable of error, and we're all capable of learning from and moving away from those errors, and becoming people who are worthy of admiration.

Hope filled moments:

Fall is arriving. The leaves are changing to beautiful. I feel sometimes like they're doing it just for me.

I'm going for a bike ride with Ashli tomorrow. It's supposed to be lovely outside.

God loves me unconditionally. I can't wrap my head around it sometimes. But I can definitely feel grateful beyond words.

Forty nine.

I'm sitting here thinking about how silly it is that I want to post my emotional discomfort onto a web-page.  That said, here it comes.

I often have moments in life where I feel like I'm just standing still, unable to move forward or backward, while the world spins around me uncontrollably.  It won't stop or slow down, and all I can do is stare and wonder how I can get back in the spin without getting hurt.  Like being a child and trying to figure out an escalator.  And I just stare and stare and stare.  Sometimes forgetting to breathe.

How am I supposed to breath?  How am I supposed to breath?

I realize I have little to complain about in the world.  I do.  

I get to choose what direction my life should take, and that is a luxury that a large percentage of our world misses out on.  And that should be enough.  I should be grateful that I can even choose to get hurt, because I'm choosing.  Most of the time.

Mistakes we knew we were making.  Mistakes we knew we were making. Don't think about chances we're taking.  Mistakes we knew.

Transitions.  They take a lot out of us.  Mind you, we have much to learn from them, and in theory will come out stronger.  Well that's neat.  But only when you're looking back.  Not always when you're in the midst of things.

Raced the days closed, in the hopes that the mornings would swell again.

But we'll always be okay, right?  Right.  We're much more resilient than we think.  We just need to convince ourselves of that truth I guess.  That's where my struggle comes in.  Often I'd rather just sit in misery than to force myself to my feet and go forward.  It's kind of pathetic.

Now autumn brings the beautiful things, where all you give comes back to you like the crown upon my king.  You're life's a song, so sing along, until the silence swallows you and leaves you like a pawn.