the power of the women's washroom.

i have been a youth leader at my church for 7 years now. that is a lot of years, given that i wasn't even sure that i liked teenagers when i started.

wednesday i had one of the hardest and best youth nights of those 7 years. i have been drained and tired and frustrated. i was in and out of the activities of the night because i couldn't stop crying. i ended up finding two of my girls in the downstairs women's washroom talking. i joined them. they asked me how i was and i couldn't answer. they asked me if i wanted a hug, and i nodded and then just cried.

what an experience, having two people that you take pride (too much often) in giving advice to and listening to become the ones comforting you.

the rest of my small group (5 girls that night in total) ended up joining us in the bathroom. there, we sat and talked for a full hour. one by one we shared, most of us cried. it was a holy moment to me. there was honesty and openness. it was VERY humbling for me to let them see me like that. but i do not want them to like me for the me that's totally fine all the time. in return for my trust, they gave me back love and affirmation.

i love being a youth leader. it is something that challenges me, energizes me, drains me and it has a lot of my heart in it. all of that is good.

thanktitude.

right now i am thankful for a lot.

in the last few weeks i have felt weighed down with the lack of sun as i try to get up in the mornings, the lack of sun during the days, and the quick decent of whatever sun we had in the evenings. i have been discouraged by depression surfacing as a result of the weather. i have been frustrated by having mice in our house and finding them extremely gross.

yet in the midst of all of this i cannot seem to stop thinking of all the wonderful things that shine light into the haze. it is a beautiful feeling to recognize how much more important these good things are when you feel you should not be feeling very nice at all.

i am thankful for andrew, who is patient and understanding and whose efforts to be there for me and be an awesome husband are evident in his success at doing so.

i am thankful for good friends who make me laugh really hard every time i am with them.

i am thankful for our lovely home (even with the mice) that is a place i love to be.

i am thankful for the "hey girl" ryan gosling birthday card i got that made me laugh so loudly it echoed through the office.

i am thankful for my family who is loving and supportive and so easy to love.

i am thankful for the sun showing itself this morning and shining into my car window and warming up my skin.

i am thankful for God's grace and patience as i try to listen to him.

i am thankful.

a moment to talk about video games...

i hate (a word i do not use often) the games call of duty and modern warfare.

i realized i hated them long before i ever knew why. i knew that there were some games that had violence that didn't bother me at all. it's not great, but it didn't seem as bad as those two.

folks, i've put my feelings (who are often much ahead of my mind) to words.

this year i decided that i was okay saying out loud that i'm a pacifist. it sums up what i believe about peace and violence. i have spent a lot of time developing my thoughts on pacifism since i said it outloud. when applying it to these video game thoughts and trying to figure out what it is about these games that makes me so angry (not a feeling i experience often), i discovered that the common denominator in the violence of those two video games that the others did not have is the recreation of real wars. i realized that what bothers me the most, right down to my core, is the idea that an entire (and extremely profitable) market can be created around the recreation of the horrible deaths of real people as a GAME. as entertainment.

think about it. war is something that haunts some veterans for life - veterans who are currently alive, that many of us know personally. war is something that caused adult men to run away from home to avoid. war is something that tears families apart. war is something that right now is penetrating the innocence of youth around the world and is forcing them to bend to it's will, while sacrificing their lives for no purpose but to hate and to harm. and we are okay making it a game.

is my logic that some fictional violence is more okay sound? probably not. i don't love it, but it just doesn't get me as profoundly furious as the idea of remaking the war experience for people to use as their (insert reason people play those games here).

sorry. just had to get that off my chest.