wisdom.

i got my wisdom teeth out on friday.

it was pretty entertaining. i learned that when i'm coming off of anesthetics, i get both chatty and giggly. this did not bode well for the amount of gauze that was in my mouth. i giggled the whole way home. even when i was off the drugs, i thought my face looked pretty funny and took a bunch of pictures. like this one.


(do feel free to chuckle to yourself. that's the only reason i post ridiculous pictures of myself on here or facebook)

but... now it's four days later. and it still is swollen. and i don't feel very pretty at all. and i want my thinner face back. and i need to not be a jaw clencher in my sleep because i wake up with pain as a result. so please face... shrink and feel nice soon okay?

pulse of life.

i have an obession with strength.

i want to be known for it, i want no one to doubt it's in me, and i don't want to ever doubt its in me. i think that's not so bad. but it's the obsession part that i'm starting to think isn't so great.

why? well, sometimes strength and pride mix up and i forget which is which. it kills me to ask for help. even when i know it's there. it's hard to pick up my phone and dial someones number because i need to hear their voice and have them say things will be okay, and not be calling to check up on how they are doing. it frustrates me to no end to be in a constant state of need. because i start feeling like i'm sucking the good energies out of people, and that they deserve better than that.

if i think about how i view my friends and relationships, i can honestly say that few things give me greater joy than to be there for them. to have someone come to me when they need someone to talk to is a huge honor. so why can't i let that be the case for others? for God? i spend a lot of time telling him that i don't understand things and asking why they happen. i spend little time accepting the comfort he extends to me. could i not be associated with the words "there is no equation for why bad things happen to anyone. they happen. and what we can do with that, is accept the comfort and love and strength that God offers us to get through it all". hm. they don't sound like me when i feel down. but i have said them. often.

i read this in "blue like jazz" yesterday, and it struck a chord with me.

somehow i had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. ... i am too prideful to accept the grace of God. it isn't that i want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that i want to earn my own way so i won't be charity.
as i drove over the mountain that afternoon, realizing that i was too proud to receive God's grace, I was humbled. who am i to think myself above God's charity? and why would i forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?

...in exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. and a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion.

silver road.

this week has been a good week.

nothing outstanding has happened, good or bad, which i count as something outstanding and good. things i have loved about this week:

- dark purple nails. i bought new nail polish. it's dark dark purple. it gets mistaken for black, but i know it's not. i like it. it makes me feel good.
- ever since my dad started running half marathons and marathons, i've felt like it was something i would want to do one day. so i'm going to run the fathers day half marathon - with my dad. he's going to have to slow down for me, but it'll be neat. i'm scared i'll give up while training. but i told him i'd do it. and i'd probably feel as if i ruined fathers day if i didn't. how's that for motivation. now my name will be on the poster too.
- i got to see andrew more than i expected to this week. we have reading dates sometimes. he'll sit on his end of the couch, and i'll hog the rest of it with my head on his lap and we'll just read. it's nice. he's nice. i like him so much, some days i think i'm going to pop.
- i get to see dana tonight and we are making tea and i'm going to go bake something soon and we will just talk. we're good at that. but it's been too long. we got busy when she got a job, and then i worked for the summer, and we just didn't see each other very much. i have been reminded lately why she is one of my bests, and i'm excited to have a night with her.
- i started to apply for EA jobs. i think i will like it very much if i get one.
- i like tea and music and all-day email friends when i'm stuck inside.