they have not seen the stars, not one, not one.

tidal wave.

2012-01-25T23:03:00.003-06:00

i'm turning the tides tonight.
tonight, i choose to avoid sleep, rather than let it avoid me.
of course, this will only last until i want to go to bed. BUT, rather than wait for sleep to come, i'm just going to hang out and read until it feels like it can't do anything by come. here's to hoping.

take that, sleep.
(but i mean that in a nice way. let's be nice to each other. you have to work on that, no offense.)

short lists.

2012-01-17T12:49:00.005-06:00

there are two big things i was really hoping for this week and both of them fell through. hope is such a funny thing because it can leave room for us to set up our own harm, or it can leave room for wonderful things to inspire us and keep us going. this i know and have known for a long time.

aside from that, i have re-discovered that family and friends are really good things. it's nice that when you explain that you just got news that made you feel extremely deflated, that someone will walk over to your apartment with a tray of cookies (and by tray, i literally mean the baking sheet... they were THAT fresh) and enjoy tea with you while you debrief. or that your mom will tell you the most mom like thing and you know she's a touch bias but it still feels really nice to hear that she, if not others, is so completely in your corner. or when your super awesome husband buys you something he knows you want and hands it to you saying "happy bad day" and the gift + the ridiculous statement makes you laugh again.

these are really good things.

lastly... here, enjoy this photo.

better after.

2011-12-09T16:18:00.002-06:00

something more cheerful?

amazingest blog of my life at the moment: http://betterafter.blogspot.com/

you are welcome.

my wandering.

2011-12-09T15:00:00.002-06:00

i was "given" this verse yesterday. and i find it fitting (this person knew who they were writing to, this i know).

one of the hardest things i have ever had to do is admit weakness and rely on others. right now i feel like i have to do that every day.
Lamentaions 3: 19-23¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

less to be consoled.

2011-12-05T21:28:00.003-06:00

lately i've been meditating on song lyrics a lot. i've always had a particular love of music of all kinds.

the song i've been listening to the most is "peace prayer" as sung by steve bell. the lyrics are beautiful, simple and rich with meaning. i find them soothing. i'm holding on to a lot of things right now, some good and some not good. i need to step back. this is a song of transformation and letting go of self.

Lord make me a means of Your Peace
Where there’s hatred grown
Let me sow Your love
Where there’s injury Lord
Let forgiveness be my sword
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

Lord make me a means of Your Peace
When there’s sadness here
Let me sow Your joy
When the darkness nears
May Your light dispel our fears
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

Lord grant me to seek and to share
Less to be consoled
Than to help console
Less be understood
Than to understand Your good
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

Lord grant me to seek and to share
To forgive in thee
You’ve forgiven me
For to die in thee
Is eternal life to me
Lord make me a means of Your Peace

fall clothing makes me smile.

2011-09-23T13:42:00.001-05:00

Clothing inspiration lately has been found from...

Pinterest posts:

What would a nerd wear blog (amazing)

15:30 - 17:30

2011-08-03T16:49:00.003-05:00

let me tell you a little something about road rage.

i get it.

yes, though my personality screams sweet, funny, charming, and empathetic most of the time... get me on a day with little sleep and BOOM. road monster.

perhaps it's not QUITE that bad, but it's pretty intense.
today on my drive home i was very tired. i just wanted to get home. i needed to pick up some hair elastics from a pharma plus, so i took a bit of a detour. on my way into a turning lane i got cut off (pet peeve) by a black sports car without a signal (bigger pet peeve).

so needless to say, i was pre-peeved for what happened next. he then proceeds to go into the same turning lane as me and signal to turn left at a spot that has a clear "no turning between 15:30 and 17:30" (honestly. i google mapped it to make sure). it is 4:30 pm. AKA 16:30! AKA IN BETWEEN THOSE TIMES!

now, i'm not one to lay on the horn. most of the time. so i gave him a "just so you know, you're really keeping me from where I need to go, and illegally, at that" honk. nothing. so then i skip right past "PLEASE stop turning left and let's all keep going" to "HEY JERK FACE! I WANT TO DRIVE NOW!".

black sports car drivers door opens, and a head shouting some choice words at me pops out. (honestly, pretty grateful it was just his shoulders and head that came out, rather than all of him to walk over to my car). me, because i'm too angry to open my door too, shouts back from inside the car where he can't really hear me "READ THE SIGN!". he looks up, shuts his door, and keeps on his merry way.

i'd like to think that he kept going because he was embarrassed and too prideful to stop what he was already doing and realized he was wrong and i was right. that said, he could have just been spiteful. regardless... I'M actually kind of embarrassed.

i encourage the youth i work with and my brother and others in my life to stop to consider the interactions we have with others. i often push for people to work hard to be a good part of someone's day rather than a bad part. i can be quoted to have said that we should return frustrating or mean things with kindness. where was all that in my road rage moment?

yes, he was in the wrong (i google mapped it, i have proof).
yes, i was tired.
no, that does not make it better.

so here's to working on a better response for next time.

beehive.

2011-07-29T21:59:00.001-05:00

so i have been putting my long hair up in a high pony tail, and then spinning it into a bun and pinning it on top. tonight, after a long day of being up, it started to unpin itself. the result? it looked like i had a beehive hair style. awesome.

a time.

2011-06-30T21:46:00.002-05:00

"there is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens"
ecclesiastes 3:1

i will never be able to exchange the last few days for anything in the world.

my sister articulated it quite perfectly when she said that one of the most touching things to think about with our grandparents, is how much they went through in order for us to be where we are. i can't help but sit here and be very grateful for what i have, and those who played a part in giving it to me.

the weight of a life.

2011-06-24T17:17:00.002-05:00

'when are you coming to see me?'

an innocent question that my grandmother asked me today, that in any other context i wouldn't have thought too hard about when replying with 'soon, i'd love to come see you soon'. but everything changes when someone is dying and asks you that exact question.

boom. why did it not dawn on me to visit her before she died rather than at her funeral? by all means i wish i could go to the funeral, it would mean a lot to me. but when i weigh it all out, isn't her presence in life a really special thing? especially in these last days?

tomorrow i find myself on a trip to kingston. i have no idea what the future holds in the days that i plan on being there, but i'll be there. and it will be hard, but perhaps it will be also good.

sewing project the first.

2011-04-07T14:58:00.007-05:00

andrew's mom gave me a sewing machine
(the kind that's attached to a table).

this gift was met with much excitement and magical plans.

fast forward many months.

i have not done a single thing on with the sewing machine.
but you can only put off magic plans for so long.

so i bought a pattern.

and i also bought some awesome mustardy yellow/gold fabric.

while it resides on my head in this photo,
it will really become a skirt, i swear.
the same as the one the girl is wearing.
minus ugly fabric, plus awesome fabric.

i'm starting this today!

i can hear you now.

2011-04-04T09:19:00.002-05:00

does anyone else ever think about how many things we must miss because we will never know what someone is truly thinking or feeling in any given moment? let me be the first to say that this is probably a good thing most of the time - our snap judgments and emotions are not often to the benefit of those around us. but perhaps many things would make more sense if we were able to know a deeper truth than we're allowed to see.

courage, dear heart.

2011-03-11T20:31:00.005-06:00

Lucy leant her head on the edge of the fighting top and whispered, "Aslan, Aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now." The darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little - a very, very little - better. "After all, nothing has really happened to us yet," she thought.

"Look!" cried Rynelf's voice hoarsely from the bows. There was a tiny speck of light ahead, and while they watched a broad beam of light fell from it upon the ship. It did not alter the surrounding darkness, but the whole ship was lit up as if by searchlight. Caspian blinked, stared round, saw the faces of his companions all with wild, fixed expressions. Everyone was staring in the same direction: behind everyone lay his black, sharply-edged shadow.

Lucy looked along the beam and presently saw something in it. At first it looked like a cross, then it looked like an aeroplane, then it looked like a kite, and at last with a whirring of wings it was right overhead and was an albatross. It circled three times round the mast and then perched for an instant on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow. It called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them. After that it spread its wings, rose, and began to fly slowly ahead, bearing a little to starboard. Drinian steered after it not doubting that it offered good guidance. But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "Courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.
~C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I do not mean to be over religiony to anyone. But I have to say, that tonight a prayer was answered. A fearful, worried, desperate for hope prayer. Andrew and I drove out to his parents place tonight. We left winnipeg, knowing that the weather wasn't great. It seemed okay as we drove down the75. We turned onto the 201 thinking we'd be okay.

By the time we realized it was not okay, it was too late to turn around. I am not kidding, we honestly had zero visibility on the high way with so much snow blowing across the road. We almost drove into the oposite side's ditch, thinking we were still going straight on the right side.

We got to the point that we pulled over and stopped with out hazards on. This was hard to do, because we didn't know how soon someone coming behind us could see us. We prayed together, asking for help and safety. As we started going again, I prayed in my heart for delivery. I remembered the text above from Voyage and I begged for an albatross.

Our albatross came.

We saw lights approaching us from behind. A truck stopped behind us, and then slowly pulled up beside us. I rolled down the window (Andrew and I had switched on this highway, so I was driving) and they rolled theirs down too. I shouted that I couldn't see the road, and they told us to follow them. They led us right into Altona and to safety.

Prayer is a beautiful thing.

boom boom boom.

2011-03-07T20:51:00.007-06:00

you know what? i really love "firework" by katy perry. yes, i said that. i'm planning to put together a completely shameless pop mix of songs like that, and lady gaga's "bad romance" and sing a long in the car by myself super loud. it'll be great.

spring is slowly on its way... i am ready to welcome it with great affection. it's been a while since i've gone for a leisurely walk outside and taken my time as i go from place to place. it will feel good to have the windows in our apartment open again.

speaking of which.. are these not the cutest? man. they can be found on sabahnur's etsy page. sometimes i go onto etsy's main page just to get color scheme inspiration. what am i color scheming? nothing at this point. we can't paint our apartment. but one day i'll be able to paint... something!

i have been having dreams again lately. i hear we have dreams every night, so more specifically i've been remembering my dreams more lately. i've decided i will write them down a bit, and perhaps doodle them on occasion. while i'm not terribly big into dream interpretation in todays sense (direct definitions for elements of dreams found on the internet or fancy journals), i like thinking about the biblical significance that dreams had. they changed lives. they predicted things. do they still have that kind of power? i don't know, but it would be neat.

back to spring. it's a good season. things melt away to reveal newness and growth. i'm ready for spring. in every sense.

and then i might.

2011-02-15T19:07:00.002-06:00

sweat pants... check.
1992 world series blue jays crew neck sweater... check.
across the universe sound track... check.

i haven't had a night at home alone in AGES. this will be awesome.

as in, i am about to do a lot of cleaning and feel very satisfied.

2011-02-04T16:58:00.004-06:00

it has been quite some time since i sat down here, but recently i was encouraged to do so again. so here i am.

i won't lie, i'm feeling a lot of pressure to deliver an excellent and insightful post after leaving it so long. but i tried a few times and they got lame. so i'm just going to write some things that are going on.

i'm completely immersed in "merlin", the bbc show about (you guessed it...) merlin! i am a fantasy, sci fi dork, and i am currently becoming completely okay with that. i have a crush on colin morgan (merlin). he's scrawny and cute. andrew said it's okay.

writing that made me think of the fact that i have spent so much of my life feeling extra aware of what people think of my interests. i think it's when i went and go into the local christian punk scene in winnipeg that this happened... all of sudden it was fashionable to be unfashionable. does that make sense? but i think i'm just now working my way out of caring so much about what people think.

want to know something funny? i actually think about if people notice my tiny four guaged ears because i think they make me cooler. how awful of a confession is that? but there it is. off my chest. phew. i can relax again.

i think this fixation on being awesome for others is being dawn more to my attention while working with the sr high's at youth. they're so awesome. but they remind me how much we think about things that waste our time. i think it's in blue like jazz (donald miller), or the screwtape letters (cs lewis) that the author says something like "one of the ways Satan lies to us is by distracting us and making us feel something is really important when in reality, it's just wasting our time that should be given to God". that's the concept of what's said. it probably shouldn't be in quotations actually. it's not a quote. except from my brain.

anyways. i think that's it. i waste a lot of time on what people think. i've done it while typing this. funny isn't it? i guess being aware it's happening is a good thing. now to do something about it...

just enough time.

2010-11-30T04:32:00.002-06:00

i can't sleep. it sounds very cold outside my apartment, so it's nice to be in the apartment. i like hearing snow & wind from indoors. things won't stop being cold, but i have found a place that is quite warm. now back to a place that's warmer still... underneath my comforter.

2010-11-14T20:03:00.002-06:00

I've been up to quite a bit lately.

I started working for MCC at the end of October. It was a fantastic, and challenging change. It was hard to leave such incredible coworkers at UW, but at the same time I really think it was the right time for me to leave. I am LOVING working at MCC, it was kind of a dream of mine since University. So I'm pleased to be there. The atmosphere is wonderful.

I've also been getting a bit on the crafty side lately. Here are some photos!

FOOD!
I made this cake this weekend for Heidi's birthday.

CRAFTS!
I also crocheted two toques. Here's one of them!

fall back down.

2010-10-14T12:26:00.002-05:00

there is a lot of change happening around me, and in me.

there are the physical reminders of change, fall is here and it's beautiful. october has been a wonderful month, almost a second summer. the days have been full of sunshine, warmth, and vibrant colors. but now the leaves have almost all fallen, and my manitoban world prepares itself for winter. the death of my grandpa this summer was particularly hard, and fall has reminded me of the natural cycle of life and i take comfort in that. fall will always come, and then winter. but it's not bad. just sad sometimes.

do you know what is silly? that i noticed when someone from my past took me off their facebook friends list. i noticed pretty quickly to be honest. some books are closing and others are opening. i'm discovering new friends, and new ways of being with friends who've been around for years. in really good ways. so goodbyes are okay too, whether we have a say or not.

my life has changed. i am married, and i love it. i love andrew a lot, and could not have asked for anything more. i am preparing for an interview tomorrow for a new job that means new and scary changes.

photodates.

2010-10-04T07:35:00.007-05:00

my sister and i went on a fall photo date, which was awesome. i'd been wanting to do it really badly lately!

no feud tonight.

2010-09-27T22:57:00.002-05:00

i put together an epic meal for andrew and i. it consisted of:

-garlic parmesan chicken
-rosemary roasted potatoes
-asparagus
-corn on the cob

hail to the pillow thief part 2.

2010-09-16T11:02:00.002-05:00

so just when i thought andrew's subconscious pillow stealing days were over...

one night last week andrew was particularly fitful in his sleep. he was moving all over the place and i was woken up several times. most of these times i was annoyed, but there was one particular wake up that i just couldn't NOT find funny.

there i was, sleeping peacefully when very quickly i wake up to my pillow literally being taken out from under my head. i figured that andrew lost his pillow again and turned around to find it for him. but alas, when i turned around there he was... pulling my pillow ON TO his own which he still had. apparently andrew's subconscious requires not one, but two pillows.

2010-08-31T17:54:00.008-05:00

So Andrew and I have been doing some "home improvements", apartment style. We can't nail anything to our walls, so we've been using adhesive strips to get our pictures up etc. We also have a lot of organizing that needs doing.

Here are some of the things we've been up to:

1. Space saver!

These marvellous inventions were brought to my attention by my new mom (Andrew's mom)

as an awesome way to use the little space you get. It goes right over the toilet and has so much room! We got this one on sale at Canadian tire.

2. Wall paper frames! I bought some wall paper that we'll be using for the about to be mentioned project, as well asa few more to come. I bought three frames on sale that were the same size, and spray painted the nicks/notmatching colors into a matte black. It turned out great! Then I put the wall paper inside, being sure to match the paper's pattern to where each frame was to go.

hail to the pillow thief.

2010-08-23T10:18:00.003-05:00

this is a post about how being married to andrew is wonderful and hilarious.

a few nights ago, i woke up in the middle of the night, because andrew was on my side of the bed. now, that's not particularly upsetting to me, especially when i'm super sleepy.

one thing you should know about me is that my super sleepy self is an odd combo of: really out of it and therefore rather unintelligent, doesn't see unintelligence as a barrier and likes to use big words to articulate rather simple thoughts that seem complicated when having just been awakened. but i digress.

so then what happens, is that andrew slips his arm slowly under my pillow. i thus conclude that he's wanting middle of the night cuddles.

"how nice" i think to myself.

except it dawns on me that the other arm isn't necessarily wrapped around me as is usually expected. so i turn over to investigate.

BAM. insert andrew's face super close to me here.

confused, i look around and three things are realized:
1. somehow andrew's pillow is sitting on top of the covers, right around where my butt is.
2. because andrew's pillow is where it is, his close proximity is due to the fact that he is, in fact, now trying to steal MY pillow.
3. he's absolutely unconscious.

so i proceed to pick up his pillow, and somewhat roughly put it where it should be. the somewhat roughness was intentional, hoping he'd wake up a little and realize how much of my turf he's on and go back to his own darn pillow. i don't know if it happened all that quickly, because i promptly fell asleep but when i woke next, he had moved.

since then i've thought about his sub conscious pillow stealing and i giggle every time. sneaky andrew...

2010-08-06T23:43:00.005-05:00

i lost a man who i loved and respected and knew my whole life, today. until the end, he kept his independence and his dignity, and he probably wouldn't have had it any other way. i will miss him very much, and am sad that i will never get to see, or talk, or listen to him anymore.

jill & nathan.

2010-08-06T09:17:00.005-05:00

my good friend jill got married a week ago today. it was such a cool wedding. i took photos whenever the photographer wasn't around.

all the girls got their hair done together and went to jill's parents to get ready.

her dress was made for her, and you can tell. it was perfectly her.

we got to make our own bouquet's. i was VERY proud of mine (this one).

i love this girl.

so does nathan.

cute cute cute.

your ghost.

2010-08-04T14:21:00.006-05:00

things i have been doing lately...

listening to the following albums:
- high violet - the national
- versicolour - aidan knight
- in a quiet world - we are the city
- islands disappear - said the whale

i saw the last three in concert last weekend. correction, i saw the first two of the last three in concert last weekend, because i had to get driven home to go to bed by the time said the whale came on. i was in a wedding the day before and was just pooped. poooooped. BUT seeing aidan knight was my favorite part. he wrote a song about knitting and i loved it. he dedicated it to me. aka to the knitters in the audience. he also had a beautiful voice and i'm happy he played.

i will be posting pictures from the wedding once i'm done editing them. the photographer wasn't there during the girls getting ready time, so i took it upon myself to take some photos and push myself to be better at a specific type of photography. so we'll see how that goes.

recently i began reading a new series. it's sci fi and nerdy and SO GOOD. i read "ender's game" by orson scott card (yes heidi, my equally nerdy significant other lent them to me too!), and am now reading the sequel (or one of the sequels) "speaker for the dead". i love books that i can launch myself into, that make me want to do nothing else.

over the course of this summer i have had my own wedding, and soon after my friend's wedding which i was in. as a result, relaxing and recreational time was not very much partaken of. that changed this weekend. i was able to swim in a pool (magnifique!) and go to the beach all in one weekend. i couldn't have been happier.

i love summer. i love being married. i love reading. i love good friends.

Living quite long.

2010-07-14T13:41:00.003-05:00

La vie est belle. Vraiment, vraiment, belle.

We got married 10 days ago! It was the best day of life. The pictures were so much fun, the ceremony was awesome, the reception was beautiful. All the decorations turned out amazingly well. The help we had from friends & family was overwhelming, and everything was just really nice.

On our honeymoon I picked up a book of short stories by Neil Gaiman (he wrote Coraline). He's a super weird/good/creepy/awesome writer. I am really enjoying reading through these stories. I like them, because he does his explaining of the context of the story in a way that you just have to figure out. It's like jumping into the middle of a conversation. But all the pieces are there to explain it, you just have to figure it out. It's excellent.

I love Andrew and I love being married. I have only 10 days of experience, but it's a good 10 days thus far. I could not be happier with my choice. We have giggle fits at night while trying to fall asleep and it's the best.

I got a new hair cut and I love it. I have thicker bluntish bangs and it's awesome. I couldn't wait to get it cut after the wedding. Wahoo!

The other day I realized how much of my actions/life can be dictated by how much I want people to like me and what I say and do. I'm pretty okay at setting that aside sometimes, but other times it really bothers me how much I think about things. Like the way a friend talked to me at my wedding or something, making me feel like maybe they were mad at me. Really? REALLY? Get a grip.

New goal: exist in a way that respects and loves me and others. Less bending for what I deem approval, less questioning decisions that I make and have considered, and less apologizing for things that do not require apologies.

Random mix of things to say hey? Yup.

In other news, wedding pictures can be found at...
www.ashnayler.com
Click on client log in and type "July42010"
I'll post some for realz though. Just got to get them!

Ciao.

beneath the sheets of paper, lies my truth.

2010-06-27T21:26:00.003-05:00

7 days. one more week. week. of. wedding.

it's kind of crazy. this is a lot of transition.
it barely feels like it was 11 months ago that i moved into the roslyn, and just saturday i moved the last of my stuff out and into our apartment, while simultaneously moving into my parents house for the week.
moving into my parents marks the last time i can really do this solo. i will never really live with them again.
next week i become a wife, i move, and i meet a new piece of life that i have never ever experienced.

if any of this sounds negative, i don't mean it to be. i'm a little overwhelmed by all the change, though by no means does that mean that i am less excited by what next weekend holds.

i'm really excited to live with andrew. i'm excited to acutally be moved in and have a permanent home again. i don't like being in limbo, though at the same time i really like being with my parents right now. it's nice to be taken care of when there is so much to think about.

and let me tell you, there is so much to think about.

(an aside: i successfully changed my voicemail back to english. no big deal.)

on the list of things that only i would manage to do...

2010-06-21T17:10:00.002-05:00

so my phone battery has decided to suck a lot, and lately has been running low or dying by the end of one day of use. i have heard that it is good to have your phone die completely and then get recharged, for maximum battery use.

the other night, my battery was beeping a notification that it was low. so i decided that i should try to kill it completely in an attempt to make it last longer the next day. talking on my phone tends to take a lot of juice, so i called my voicemail and was randomly going back and forth between the main menu, and the extended menu options, just to kill time.

well, i got bored of just listening to the menu options over and over as my phone refused to die. so in a stroke of PURE GENIUS, i button mashed. once i stopped, i heard the phrase "your voicemail language preference is now set to mandarin".

"shoot", i thought to myself, "this is not good."

so i proceeded to go back through the language options to see if i heard correctly. it assured me that my langage was set to english (little did i know that meant "presently" and did not include "after i hung up the phone from this voicemail options session").

then i hung up. then i decided just to check.

my voicemail is now set to mandarin. i cannot check it. i cannot get it back to english. telus lady could not get it back to english.

true story. i cannot make this stuff up.

all this time.

2010-06-16T10:53:00.003-05:00

yesterday i was asked what my least favorite part of the wedding planning has been.

i didn't even have to think.

easily, hands down...

the guest list & seating plan. we're not even done the seating plan but i already hate it. it's extremely satisfying when a group fits perfectly into one table, but let me tell you... those are few and far between. once we have our final final numbers submitted, it might make it easier. so we just did the pretend one to see how easy or hard it'll be, and will go from there. as for the guest list... it was painful for me. literally painful. slowly removing people from the list hurt so much. i love people. i have long lasting attachments to them that they don't even know about. so to remove them from a list of people i wanted to have at an exciting day, really stank. that said, we did the best we could and just had to acknowledge the boundaries within which we were working (aka $$).

i get my dress today.

i have never been one to dream up my dress or wedding. i'd thought about it, sure, but never really sat down to imagine the perfect _________ or the perfect __________. so when i went to my fitting on monday, i really didn't have much that i expected. not in a bad way. just i didn't know how to expect in that context.

so, i go with my mom & my sister. i'm off to a great start as i slam my elbow into the car door (only minor bruising, don't worry). but after that, i put it on and (insert angelic high pitched vibrato singing here) it was perfect!!!!! i mean, there were minor changes, but the dress fit so perfectly, everything about it is just wonderful. jill, the wonderful woman who made my dress, is truly an incredible and talented maker of epic clothing. that should probably be her title on her card, if she had a card.

so now, we are 18 days from the wedding (insert a holy crap here). i'm really excited. especially after the dress. it made it so real to me! details are being taken care of, though on occasion i have been losing a bit of sleep as i think up thing i could be forgetting and give myself anxiety. unfortunately, with or without wedding anxiety i seem to be doomed to having a lack of sleep. hopefully this little bit of kind of insomnia goes away soon. i have a (almost) sister in law to see, marathon relay to run, an apartment to pack up, a move to do, and last minute things to take care of, and oh, let's not forget... I GET TO GET MARRIED!

dark blue, dark blue.

2010-06-08T09:44:00.003-05:00

there are 26 days until i am to be wed.

i have found that i am feeling less and less stressed as time goes on. things that i thought mattered a lot, are mattering much less.

this weekend i feel quite ill, and consequently lost a rather significant number of pounds. that is okay though, as my dress fitting is in 6 days and losing weight that fast means gaining it usually isn't terribly difficult. i (re)learned that i have a marvelous family, fiance, and set of friends. andrew stuck by me all weekend and was so willing to make me jello and homemade grandma soup and refill my gingerale cup. my friends ashli & kate came over and brought me soup and more gingerale (i drank a lot of that stuff) and did all our dishes. my family called me every day to see how i was doing.

i was able to recover in time for two important events: a friends wedding on saturday evening, and my wedding shower on sunday!

saturday was pushing it a little little bit, but andrew and i made it out to winkler and back with no incidents (aka me needing him to pull over while i barfed on the side of the road). my friend sonya and i have been talking about our upcoming weddings for months and months now, and after all that, missing her wedding would have been devastating to me. it was gorgeous.

the wedding shower was absolutely delightful also! it was my very first traditional kind of wedding shower, and i liked it. it was a room full of really important ladies in my life, who overwhelmed me with love and generosity. my sister (and mom) put so much work into it, and it was just perfect.

so, with that, i get myself back to work. i am happy.

put your hand to your forehead and let your knees buckle.

2010-05-26T15:30:00.004-05:00

i think that perhaps i should stop looking at Green Wedding Shoes and Oncewed because i'm finding that i'm feeling a little bit of paranoia about how my wedding will look. these weddings look so incredible, and while i have a lot of ideas, a lot of small details that will be going into it, sometimes i wonder what it'll all look like together, and if it's actually going to be truly hideous...

and downward spins my thought process. the thing is, rationally, i know that while these weddings probably all look incredible, a huge amount of credit goes to the photographers who make it look extra amazing and bring out the little details. therefore, my wedding may look just like one of those, but because of my photographer (and cousin).

it will be okay!

that said, here are some of the different elements going into it, in photo form:

paper rosettes:

mason jar centerpieces (some will have flowers):

handmade triangle lanterns with our names on them:

i made felted bird cake toppers. these are not them. mine look... not as perfect. but i like them!
hand fan favors:

our guest book will be a scrapbook of pictures, people will pose in frames and sign beside where their picture will go. we have two big gold frames.

and so on. i feel better.

then spring became summer.

2010-05-21T11:14:00.003-05:00

Greg Attonito from the Bouncing Souls and his wife wrote a children's book together and I need to own it. I will read it to my kids one day and they will be the coolest kids in the world. Primarily because they're mine, but secondarily because they're reading this book.

one thing that i adore.

2010-05-11T10:53:00.006-05:00

our apartment will be officially furnished after today!

54 days until my wedding!

i am excited about things!

life is busy busy, as usual. work has been quite busy, and we have stepped up our wedding activities recently. we would like to get almost everything out of the way in may, so that june isn't very stressful. i hope we can accomplish this.

new apartmenting is the best. it's so fun to pick where things go in your kitchen, to put plants in your windowsill, and to plan our where things will go! it's nice to cook food together, to shop together. i can't wait until i live there for real!

in other news, i had a really bad dream last night and woke up sobbing, and was scared i'd wake my roommate jill up. it felt awful. a dear dear friend was dying and i couldn't do anything.

but back to happy, WEDDING!!! FURNITURE!!! WAAAHOOOO!

eutopia.

2010-05-03T09:18:00.002-05:00

i am quite pleased with this weekend. while i am now sitting here quite exhausted, that is okay. because it was fun, exciting, and memorable.

saturday was moving day. andrew and i, with the help of our friend garry, my dad, and my sister & brother in law, moved all of his things from meadowood, to our new apartment just off corydon! it was marvelous. the help was just fantastic.

i got to set up our kitchen. it was so strange, deciding where things were going and knowing that it was just andrew and i who had to be happy with how it all went. that felt super.

saturday evening, though we were exhausted, we went to the social of a delightful couple. we planned on only being there for an hour, but ended up there much later (and me later still than andrew). the fruits of our staying awake labor? WE WON A FANTASTIC COFFEE MAKER AND A WII!!!!!!! Oh my goodness.

so then sunday, naturally, andrew and i played wii before church. his parents came to meet us, and then we worked hard to organize the apartment. the difference was like night and day. there were half emptied boxes all over and stuff everywhere in the morning. by the afternoon, it was all cleared up, and anything waiting to be unpacked was stacked neatly.

wahoooo!

WE HAVE AN APARTMENT! GAH!

now we are at the stage where we have gotten past the move, and now are looking at how much stuff we have left to do. monthly plans aren't going to hack it anymore, we now have weekly ones. this week is a really really busy one. i am hoping that next week will not be as much, so that i might be able to see some lovely friends.

i am very happy right now. super tired, but very happy. "our place" is a very lovely phrase to my ears right now, and i'm so excited for the months to come!

dream clenching.

2010-04-22T16:12:00.003-05:00

top 5 reasons to smile today:

1. my boss gave me some lovely flowers as a day brightening gift

2. i've started to run with my friend ashli once a week and it's become one of my favorite parts of the week

3. it's beautiful outside, and i get to enjoy it on the walk home

4. lately i've been taking more pictures, and i'm a fan

5. andrew moves into our apartment in less than a week and a half

Also, my wedding is 73 days away. This is a wonderful thing.

La vie est belle. Merci mes amis, bon soir.

this is a tale for all the fellas.

2010-04-15T11:55:00.005-05:00

question: what should a finace say after you've just bawled your eyes out on his shoulder for a solid 20 minutes and are now feeling alright and are in the car ride home?

answer: "it kind of feels like someone peed in my armpit"

i haven't laughed so hard in a long time. clearly, my fiance is the best. sorry ladies, he's allll mine.

two friends.

2010-04-08T09:16:00.003-05:00

these were on the cement column things that are on either side of our apartment front steps. there were two others before, but they went away and then these showed up. i have no idea who is putting them there, but for some reason it makes me really happy. new signs of spring.

wake up april, it'll be summer soon.

2010-04-06T09:31:00.002-05:00

i'm in the mood for my annual summer to-do list. it's a good feeling.

summer goals:
- get married. obviously.
- have fun being married and living in a new place!
- go to the beach
- camp at least once
- run in the manitoba marathon relay
- get a bike and bike a lot (that isn't actually the bike i'm getting made...)
- have success shopping in new york
- take a lot of pictures and learn how to use aperture really well
- eat smores
- go to the ex with ashli & meghan
- see the mountain goats (tickets already acquired. heckyes.)
- go fishing!
- finally... the overall goal here is really just to enjoy a lot of time outdoors with all the lovely people who exist in my life and that i adore.

2010-03-29T15:53:00.005-05:00

it's a beautiful day. the sun is shining really brightly, and it feels like it's so bright and happy that it's shining in me. it's a good feeling. this morning i got to work and was so happy that i could just kind of pause, and feel like i could breathe here. this month has been like sprinting a 100 meter dash, and right now is the feeling that you get after you cross the finish line and get to walk off the stress your body took in the dash.

this weekend was incredibly productive. i was giddy. i managed to find most of my gifts for my bridesmaids (as in part 1 for them is now covered), and my mom bought me my necklace for the wedding. it's quite pretty. i also got someone for our flowers! the quote was just over $200 less than our first quote with a different company, so that felt super awesome.

andrew's sister is coming back for the whole summer! that's really exciting!

today i am thankful. i am thankful for beauty. i'm thankful for good friends who did not make me feel awful for being so non-existent lately. i'm thankful for being able to laugh and to pause and enjoy little moments in my day. and i'm super thankful for andrew, who is just too marvelous for words.

97 more days until i'm married!

two dreams.

2010-03-23T13:21:00.007-05:00

after today there are 8 more days until april.
i can't wait. i would like to be able to have calm weeks again. ones where i do not feel the need to just set my head down on my desk for a brief repose, just to make it to the end of the day.

i am longing for a day that i can feel like i did in this photo again.

in other news, i had a wedding nightmare last night. this one crossed the line a little. my wedding became a funeral somehow, and i found myself being comforted by the person who had died (don't ask me how that worked). i didn't make it to my wedding. i was driving there, and then all of a sudden it was raining and i was in the basement of a church crying really hard. seriously, my subconscious needs to realize that right now, that is not very helpful. a dream about golden retriever puppies (or some cheesy crap like that) would be much better to start my day remembering when i know the rest of the day will be crazy.

i promise that when april comes i'll perk these posts up.

Bad wedding dream #3.

2010-03-17T09:36:00.001-05:00

I had a dream last night that my shoes were awfully wrong and it was too close to our wedding to do anything about them. I dreamed that the nice yellow patterned shoes I've bought and keep on forgetting to get from Joelle so I can try them on and see them in real life, were actually not patterned at all.

They ended up being just canvasy kind of wedge shoes that were in a gross brown beige instead of yellow, and that the patterns were STICK ON's.

Seriously. Like stickers. Decorate your own shoes stickers. But they looked terrible and I ended up crying all over the place.

These dreams are HILARIOUS. Yet another perk to getting married. Being able to chuckle at what your sub conscious picks on.

growing up.

2010-03-15T14:26:00.003-05:00

today, i just wish i could talk to my mom. growing up is such a relative term, i've decided. i think i will always just want her opinion on things as i go along. she's in kingston right now so alas, i cannot talk to her, but that is okay.

i'm sitting on my coffee break at work, with a lot on my mind. i have a lot to process right now, and very little time to do so. work continues to be busy and will be busy right until the last day of this month. april will be a sigh of relief for me. a time to reconnect with friends, to go to bed early, and to not do over time. also, it will be kicking into high gear for wedding plans time.

the future is a mystery to me. it is good that way, but sometimes i do not like it. i'm seeking the balance of what i love and what i can do for a job. i have new thoughts on that. my brain feels full.

2010-03-11T14:39:00.001-06:00

these things are going to furnish our apartment!!!!!!

bed room set:

dining room table!

coffee & end tables (looks better in real life)!!

Couch & love seat!

YAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

blend in.

2010-03-08T16:21:00.002-06:00

we got our apartment! tonight, andrew and i will hand over a damage deposit cheque to our future landlord, and will be getting a beautiful two bedroom apartment on mcmillan & daly. we've both been excitedly talking about where things will go, and how we'll make it ours.

ours! that's the best word ever lately. just fills me with a particular kind of happy.

things are falling into place. we've still got flowers to be taken care of, and our wedding party attire, but aside from that we're sitting pretty.

ottawa was quite fun. i learned that i do not like being in a hotel by myself, except for the one hour of getting ready where i have a well lit bathroom with a plug and counter space (none of which exist in my current residence). that was awesome. i saw an old friend and we talked like it hadn't been three years since we'd last seen each other. when it came down to it though, i enjoyed myself, but was very ready to come home to see andrew.

work is just INSANE. like, until april 1st, i will just be running around like crazy, organizing, presenting, planning, and appointmenting. dear next fiscal year, you can't come soon enough. so if you who are reading this are someone i see in person, i do apologize for not being able to see you in person very much.

goodbye for now.

toppers.

2010-03-01T10:49:00.002-06:00

i've been making these for my wedding cupcake "topper". by that i mean, they'll sit on top of the tiered cake holder. i'll be putting eyes on them, and a little bowtie for andrew's, and feather tails. excited!

storm cloud, over my head.

2010-02-25T12:43:00.004-06:00

it's quarter to one o'clock. i have been here (work) since nine. i have a little over seven hours left in my work day, and therefore really need to shake how crappy i'm feeling right now. don't know what it is. just want to cry, and then sleep, and then be given a reason to feel really nice.

that was all i had to say. i just needed somewhere to say it.

you, or your memory.

2010-02-22T13:01:00.003-06:00

the next few weeks are going to be pure madness. like, really insane. i can barely keep up right now. work is incredibly busy, because the fiscal year is ending. that means more evening presentations. it's really good for our program. really hectic for life.

i leave for ottawa in one week and two days. i can't believe how fast that came up. i'm meeting an old friend on the saturday that i leave, for breakfast, and i'm really looking forward to that.

weddingy things are getting busier and busier. so much to decide on! i think i need to take a day off soon just to focus on wedding stuff and keeping myself organized and sane. i'm feeling like i'm all over the place! but it's okay.

andrew and i went furniture shopping this week and weekend, and it was delightful. we have found a lot to think about. this is one of those things:

i think it's super lovely. i like the buttons a lot!

time is flying. things are all happening so fast, and it's wonderful and scary all at the same time. i'm so excited for my wedding, i'm so excited for finding an apartment and furnishing it, and for seeing wonderful friends get married this summer too, and so on. i just want to make sure i enjoy everything right NOW just as much as i look forward to what will be. but it almost feels like enjoying the present means enjoying the past, as things are just going by so quickly!

bird's eye.

2010-02-11T15:44:00.004-06:00

i wish we had the ability to step outside of ourselves at the end of every day, and go through a speedy version of what we were like that day for review. perhaps while watching that review, we could get a clear view of our intentions and motives behind every action and decision and see ourselves for what we really are. good and bad. i wonder how much that would change.

tag, you're it.

2010-02-08T10:28:00.007-06:00

Alright. SO, Heidi tagged me to do this 7 things you don't know about me thing. I'll do my best to make this interesting.

1. I told this story for the first time in years this weekend, so I'll say it here - one time I witnessed a bit of a brawl in a record store. The owner had to ask a man to leave, as he had been violent on his last trip into this downtown shop, and the man's response was to take a swing at him. The very large man was hella agile and dodged it, and then forced the man out of the shop. It was epic. Then we continued talking about Bette Midler & record players.

2. I got straight 60's in pre-cal math in grade 10, except in the Trigonometry section. I got 95% on the unit test. Apparently I understand triangles.

3. I live with four roommates, and share my room with one of them. It's the best ever. People warned us that we'd stop being friends because of it, but both of us have determined that when we both get married this summer, we'll be going through each other withdrawal.

4. When I told Andrew I loved him I was really scared and crying a little and shaking, and couldn't just spit it out for the life of me, and I think I almost made him believe I was breaking up with him, because these are all the symptoms of girl trying to break up with someone. Ugh. I'm awful.

5. Facebook's latest "make your profile picture as someone you've been told you look like" thing recently reminded me that I have not been told I look like any celebrities, but I have been compared to a chipmunk. So I almost made a chipmunk my picture, but then didn't.

6. The places I'd like to travel to:

Turkey, Israel, Egypt
Europe
New Zealand & Australia
Japan
Central America (all over!)
Iceland
South Africa

7. I really love budgeting. I never knew this would be possible.

I think I won't tag anyone, because I'm pretty sure not many people really read my blog. But there you have it. Seven things. About me.

slingback.

2010-02-04T09:06:00.003-06:00

i just ordered these for my wedding!

A brief rant on customer service.

2010-01-28T14:33:00.005-06:00

remember choose your own adventure books? here's one for you:

you're staff at a furnitrue store. it's a weekday evening, and there is no one around. you're off soon so your boyfriend is waiting to drive you home. a young couple walks into the store. if you...

approach them and offer your help, as is logical to do in the sales industry, go to page 2.

sit down on the couch with your boyfriend and ignore the couple, and then proceed to kiss him and skip off away from the couple to so something that is more than likely completely not work related, go to below.

for the record, there is no page 2. because if the girl who was at the store andrew and i were shopping at last night had anything to say about this, she would have picked the second option. and we're going to go with that for a moment.

let me say something about customer service.

[inhale deeply]

it's important. it's ESSENTIAL in business. you do not need to wait on someone hand and foot, you don't need to follow them everywhere, you don't need to be humbled by how much you have to "serve" someone. BUT you do have to do your job, which is to be helpful. most people are grateful for it. sucks when they aren't, but awesome when they are.

having worked for four years at a catering company and one and a half at zellers, i know what it's like to just want to go home and not be at work. but the fact is, that until you're done you're shift - you. are. at. work. and acting like that is repulsive to customers. if we had been planning on buying anything there that night, let me tell you that thought is now gone completely. we found a place where the guy was super helpful, personable, and gave just the right amount of space with attention. odds are good we'll pay 1/3 more if we go with stuff from there, but customer service counts for more than saving money to me, and probably a LOT of other people.

end rant.

tree climber.

2010-01-26T11:52:00.002-06:00

oh boy. i met with jill and we did measurements and talked about my dress and i am so very excited. this picture is not it. i just thought it was comical, and also could not post what my dress is, as andrew has been known to look over my blog. and that's can't happen, now can it!

159 days until i get married. honestly, i woudln't know that unless i went to theknot.com, which i do often. but it's fun seeing the numbers going down - especially when we started at 300 something!

i'm so very in love with andrew and i'm so excited to marry him. i'm excited for this summer in general - getting married, new york, being in jill's wedding and therefore learning how to make a bouquet, and more! moving into a new place, settling.. eek.

there's a chance i might be going to ottawa in march, which is really cool. for work!

i'm all over the place right now because i don't have much time and i'm excited about a lot. yay. i hope you're having a lovely day.

tap dance.

2010-01-21T20:59:00.003-06:00

tonight, for some reason, i do not feel quite at home in my home (apartment). it's not the most super feeling ever. but it's not dreadful or anything. just weird. i've gotten quite used to not being here for evenings, perhaps that is it.

i am distracted. i am reading a book and i like to fall right into the words on the page, but tonight i can't. my eyes are aware that there are things other than my book. nothing in particular. i feel apprehensive.

in other news, i am a large fan of the mix tapes i've received over the years, and am going to make myself feel at home by listening to them while i continue reading.

wedding dreams.

2010-01-19T14:43:00.002-06:00

the other day jill told me about her first wedding dream, and i welcomed her to the world of post-engagement wedding dreams.

so far i've had a few.

the first one was the wilted roses one. i had ugly pink roses instead of daisies, and they were pink at that - a color i would not choose to associate with very often. i just don't feel nice in pink. or like myself. so double whammy. triple if you include the wilting factor.

the second one was particularly disturbing because it was less frivillously upsetting and more legit upsetting. i dreamt i didn't want to get married and i was freaking out, and i wasn't marrying andrew (which my conscious self has concluded that my subconscious was onto the fact that if it wasn't andrew, it wasn't okay). that was unpleasant.

now this most recent dream was last night and it was about my friend's wedding, not mine. i dreamt i sent pictures of her in her dress to a lot of people (before her wedding), including her fiance. which is terrible and awful. in my dream i thought it was a good idea, until i sent it and realized how NOT good of an idea that was. i tried desperately to undo it but i couldn't. she cried and i cried and i knew i ruined something awesome for her.

ugh. dreams! i used to think they were random. they are not. i have had so many dreams that connected to my life at the time i was having the dreams. i remember having a really hard decision to make a few years ago and having dream after dream of me fighting things. it finally dawned on me that i was wrestling so much with this choice that my mind would put me through visuals at night of what i was putting it through during the day.

dreams are so interesting. that's all.

the immeasurable value in vulnerability, and how we see it later.

2010-01-10T22:44:00.004-06:00

from time to time i have the privilege of chatting with a very fantastic woman who does not know how much she has changed my life first by just being, and second by engaging in these conversations with me. i do not recall exactly when this one took place, but i was reminded tonight of a discussion we had about vulnerability.

i do not care for being vulnerable. i can tolerate it in small doses. i cannot, however, find it in myself to appreciate it or see its value when it hits unexpectedly, in the moment that it hits. moments of extreme vulnerability have happened throughout my life, and most specifically since the age of 16, without my consent, because apparently it does not require my consent to happen. the nerve.

i have spent a great deal of time thinking about the unfairness of its various sources, loathing myself for being weak enough to allow it to happen, and viewing it as a complete sign of being inferior in life. inferior to what? to nothing but my expectation for myself. for anyone else i'd see it as healthy, or needed, or would point out the benefits. yet time and time again i find it in myself to hold me to another standard, not because i find myself worthy of it, but really the opposite. i find myself very unworthy of a lot of things, and therefore seem to try and set my goals to a standard above what i hold for others, so as not to let my unworthiness stand in the way.

enter moments of vulnerability, and how this all relates to the discussion i referred to in my first paragraph.

i was presented by my mentor, and friend, with the idea that vulnerability was an essential piece to our human existence as followers of Jesus, if that is what we are choosing to be. it is one of the best reminders of our humaness, and therefore also of our ungodness. those are not words. but you get the idea. it's a reality check. at least it is for me.

without moments where i've had to be vulnerable - when i've had to say "i'm not quite good enough for that", or "i need to ask for your help", or "i have to say i'm sorry for what i've done", or "i was wrong, i was wrong, i was wrong" - where would my need for God be? it'd be there, but i'd have a hard time seeing it with my ego in the way.

there are just some things i cannot do.

believe it or not, this is a hard lesson for me to learn. i am still learning it. i am a proud, proud person. i do not like to be helped if i have not asked. i like to solve problems. i like to be good at things, and i like to stand out. none of these things are bad - but when they take my focus away from my inherent need for God in my life, they become dangerous, venomous, and destructive. i do not wish to make God sound like a crutch - i have heard many people make that analogy when they talk about people who follow Jesus. that is not my intent. because i think that if i didn't think there was a God, that i would still think of myself as really rather flawed. and so because i DO think there is a God, it does not make sense for me to think that me as a flawed person could make better decisions than he could.

sometimes my flaws make me feel downright broken. i can think of a few moments where i've been so sad, so torn apart inside, that all i could do was curl up on the floor and sob so hard. it hurt a lot. there have been some things in life that have made me feel like i could never be okay again. and it's in moments like that, when i know there is nothing that i myself could do to help me, that it is clearest why i need God. and i need him just as much at any other moment of any other day. but it is in night, not day, that we will notice a light around us the most.

this is what i re-learned today. it's a painful lesson. and i very much doubt that i am done learning it. but i am happy to sit back, to think, and to feel peace. because as much as i fight so hard to hold on to control, i've never felt so much peace as when i let it go.

different things to me.

2010-01-07T10:03:00.000-06:00

it's a new year.

life changes so much hey?
one of the things i told my jr high girls over and over, is that the three years after you graduate from high school are some of the most life changing years of your life. there will be more change later, but these set a foundation for who you'll be in the long run. you figure out who you are.

those years are more or less done for me now, and i'm happy with the outcome. and now begin another set of change filled years. starting with this past one. i'm now engaged (anyone reading this blog regularly or even semi regularly will be more than aware of that fact), and began to learn more than ever how to work with someone else and not just with myself. it's hard. and it's good.

this new year, i'm getting married in. i'm going to live for the next 6 months in a home with some wonderful girls, and enjoy every moment of it. then i'm going to make my home with andrew, wherever that ends up along the way, and enjoy that too.

this year, i welcome. it brings exciting things.

someone hear our chatter.

2010-01-04T15:13:00.002-06:00

exactly 6 months until my wedding day! excited!

january. this is the month where everything gets kicked back into gear and things really get moving! we had our first shower, out in altona. we are now thoroughly pampered chef'ed and tupperware'ed out the wazoo. which is wonderful. i am very excited about making ourselves a home, and filling it with things that are new and quality. weddings are a wonderful help for getting a newly married couple really off on their feet, and i am so thankful for generous and supportive family and friends.

we get to do premarital counseling, which is very neat. i'm looking forward to it.
i get to really get going on decorations and invitations and that kind of thing.
we'll do the measurements for my dress at the end of this month.
as soon as spring dresses hit the rack, i'll be shopping for my bridesmaids.
we get to pick out a ring for andrew.
we find an apartment and start thinking about paint and furniture and stuff!

i'm just really excited. for it all.

fromage.

2009-12-30T15:47:00.002-06:00

i am about to nap.

but before i do, i suppose i will write some.

i'm trying to figure out the balance of a few things right now. firstly, the balance between being a certain kind of person, or not being willing to change. what i mean is, i'm trying to distinguish the line between knowing how to identify what i need, and also being willing to change or do things i'm reluctant to do because it's what i should.

also, the balance between saying sorry and waiting for a sorry. i'm learning a lot about that one actually. i'm finding more and more that there is almost always something you can apologize for in an argument, whether you are actually correct or not. and apologies are nice difusers. they calm the situation down, and take the focus away from single sided winning. because i don't like single sided winning, but for some reason i still fight for it initially.

finally, the balance between me and God. as in, there is not so much a need for balance so much as a need for me to snap out of my apathy and start thinking more about the faith that i have claimed fuels my reasons for being. that's a big one.

an aside? as of next monday, it is exactly 6 months until my wedding day. eep. time to start planning more viggerously.

nothing's better.

2009-12-16T21:23:00.003-06:00

yesterday i was home sick from work. i've never had a headache like that one before, and it was really not good. headaches are a lame reason to skip work in my opinion, but this was like... a whole new variety. my whole head hurt starting from the top of my neck and moving all over the rest of my head. my boss understood. i waited at a walk in clinic for 3 hours and was prescribed an anti-inflammatory for muscle pain - apparently there's enough tension in there for a headache that bad. oh boy.

but besides that, today i feel wonderful. as in, my heart feels wonderful. like overflowing exploding with happy kind of wonderful. it's really good. the best part is that it stems from two evenings that really weren't all that special in terms of what we did, but two evenings that after spending time with andrew, i was re-hit with the realization of how much i loved him. we've had some good chats, and i think i've just noticed how much more comfortable we've become with each other. it's been gradual of course, but sometimes when things happen gradually they go under your radar for a while and then all of a sudden you realize how much of a contrast now is to then. wonderful.

tomorrow is my last day of work before the holidays! i'm so excited! after it, i get to go home and pack for the weekend (altona!) and then get to hang out with andrew. saturday his sister comes home, which is very exciting (he's been counting down the days for a little while now). we're going to see the old eaton's christmas display at the children's museum (which, for the record, fills me with absolute wonderful childhood feelings and i'm so excited to go to) and then driving out to altona for the night.

then i get to start sleeping in, and doing things in the daytime. i miss that. i miss having days free to do errands, and be busy but the kind of busy that's really fun.

life is filled with happy feelings, and i'm more than happy to recieve them with open arms.

follow me down.

2009-12-14T11:16:00.004-06:00

it is official, i am getting my wedding dress made by jill sawatsky and i'm really excited. the design is really awesome, she's absolutely amazing at what she does, and the combo of a unique and simple dress, and it being made, just makes me really happy. how lovely.

i am almost done christmas shopping, which is exciting. i love wrapping all the gifts and putting them under the tree, eagerly waiting for when i can watch people open them and (hopefully) be quite pleased. i'm going to andrew's house tonight to wrap presents. i may even put one headphone in with bette midler's christmas album on.

good things:
- a solid filing system at work that's organized. i love that feeling. nerd.
- andrew. i could write an rather large book about what love is teaching me. it's so good.
- christmas!
- an apartment that is at least giving the illusion that it might be getting warmer... here's hoping.
- knitting
- thinking about how much fun it'll be to live with andrew
- thinking about decorating our apartment once we have one
- my roommate and bridesmaid jill is engaged and i'm so happy for her. and ecstatic that i'm in her wedding party.
- t-minus 3 days until i can start sleeping in!

that is all. i hope you are having a beautiful day.

thoughts on waking up and realizing that you are, in fact, an adult.

2009-12-10T13:23:00.004-06:00

it dawned on me the other day, that i am really an adult. while i have been over the age of 18 for a while now, it really wasn't the first thing i thought of when that day came. but honestly. especially in the last year, the decisions i've been making have been far more complicated and life altering than they ever have been in the past.

the realization actually hit me when i was allocating my retirement funds towards different investments. i am only starting to know what that sentence actually means. all i know about my retirement is that i want to be a super cool grandma. and i want andrew to be around. aside from those things (who are not stated in order of importance. that's mostly for andrew.), i really haven't thought about it. but i have to. because it's smart. and improtant.

it's an interesting moment, when you realize that you've crossed over the line that holds dependence and consultation of your parents or siblings for all things - behind you, and in front of you is making your own choices, and consulting when you need, not because you need.

this past year i've chosen a job that is career like.
i have worked with my rrsp.
i've budgeted, opened up savings, and created a general plan for the next ten years.
i have chosen the man i will marry and love for as long as i am able.
i registered for things for my physical home, with the man who defines my emotional idea of home.

it's just neat. and scary. but also neat.
i think about my life so far, and find it really strange to think about all my past experiences being in the past. grade 6 is over, and past. high school is done, and so is my first round of university. outtatown was 5 years ago already. i will be married in less than 7 months now.

i think planning for my retirement (just stating that makes me giggle a little) has made me re-realize the importance of appreciating right now. liking where i am, if for no other reason than the fact that i will not get now back.

i love my family, i love our christmas.

2009-12-07T08:41:00.002-06:00

i love my family.

Andrew fits right in.

one small instrument.

2009-12-02T14:57:00.004-06:00

so. christmas break is coming up fast. like. 17 more days fast. i get a really ridiculously sweet amount of time off. like... after friday the 18th, i'm not back at work until january 4th. that is amazing. i wasn't expecting that. and i'm so happy about it because that means i get to sleep in a lot and watch star trek and wrap presents to bette midler's christmas album.

i love this time of year. i like it when it's all dark in the evening and i'm cozy in my room. i like having christmas lights glowing in a dimly lit apartment with snow outside. i like reading, and drinking tea, and playing board games.

holidays are going to be great. i know for sure i would like to sleep over at my parents place on christmas eve. i think i will need to take the hide-a-bed on the main floor, which is not super comfortable, but i am excited to sleep on it because it means that christmas will not have changed too much yet. it is quite possible that i will sleep over at their place before then too, just because i miss waking up there sometimes.

gift giving is one of my favorite things in the world. i like thinking hard about what i buy people and i like seeing them be happy to recieve them. i hope i do good this year!

ashli suggested we hang out soon and knit and watch movies and it sounded like the best time ever. seriously. since then i've been thinking about how badly i want to do that. i will probably wear sweat pants. she and meghan and i have developed our "christmas" each year as of the last two years, and i am excited about this years. i found them both things in the states that i am proud of finding.

this is really long.
that's what she said.

anyways.
the lights are off in our office becasue wendy and i get headaches from the florescents. i have jimmy eat world clarity on, and there is snow falling outside the window in front of me, gathering on the ground. life is good.

consumerized.

2009-12-01T11:44:00.005-06:00

heidi introduced me to this fun little tool!
the result of my recent shopping trip:

the taupe dress doesn't actually have the metalic belt part. and the wallet looks a little different. but the rest is pretty much bang on. the grey shirt is the exact one i bought. i love it!

i also got some christmas shopping done, which was lovely. found some inspiration buys (spontaneous buys i found and thought of someone specific) for christmas gifts. it was a success.

three boys all excited for football on a road trip = me not wanting to hear about drafting, rookies, or trading in the football sense for a loooong time. but it was a lovely trip, and yesterday i slept until noon and spent the rest of the day with andrew and it was all lovely.

between the fireflies.

2009-11-26T13:00:00.003-06:00

sometimes i feel like i'm always being told what to do. and that i'm expected to always do that, whether it's what i actually wanted or not.

and i'll be honest, i'm having a hard time with it today. maybe not every day. but today. i'm not really the most assertive person ever. i offer what i need to offer when someone needs it or asks for it. the people in your life should speak up on things when they care about you. but maybe not all things?

giving people the benefit of the doubt, i can say that it's probably always done in love, or just in passing and not much thought is necessarily placed on the delivery. i feel like my passiveness has caged me, and i am to blame. i need to learn to say "no, i disagree" or "that works for you, but i shall do things this way".

i'm okay with making mistakes. really, i am.

train leaving grey.

2009-11-23T15:54:00.005-06:00

most recent favorite song: train leaving grey by mason jennings. so good.

i need a vacation. and one is on it's way, brief as it may be. i am in desperate need of it. i am taking both friday and monday off - friday to leave for the states, monday to recover from the states. actually, monday is a janessa & andrew day. i love those. it's like a saturday, but better because it's on a monday.

work has been really busy lately. and life has been busy too. we're starting to wedding plan more again, which is good. things are coming together, and i am not very stressed about the wedding specifically. maybe things surrounding it sometimes, but not it itself. i am excited though!

christmas is coming. what fun! this will be my very first busy busy christmas. i've never had to operate around someone else's christmas before, or many other people's i guess is more accurate. i think it's all together though. christmas eve and day is my family (which will be super. i love them!), and christmas night we drive out to altona and spend the next few days out there. i'm super excited for hanging out with andrew's family. i was really nervous at first, because to be honest, i really have loved my quiet immediate family christmases. BUT, my nervousness has been replaced with excitement. for many reasons!

first, andrew's sister will be home. she's hella cool and i am very happy for the times i get to spend with her, as she's all the way out in BC and thus our relationship is built on some very short home stays. i hope that in the future we're able to find ways to hang out with her more often. i think that if i met her and didn't know andrew at all, i'd like her just as much!

second, his parents are super rad, and fun to be around. basically... i cannot think of a cooler family to become a part of. and i love that i can say that with all honesty. it is not hard to be at home at their home. and they're house offers me the best sleeps ever. which i need more than anything lately.

finally.. presents! i'm so excited to give andrew his. and i'm excited to give to everyone else that i'm buying for this year as well. gift giving is such a joy for me!

anyways. nothing really important here, except that i hope that the combination of christmas and my upcoming long weekend really gives me the rest my heart, body, and mind have all been needing.

peace.

gross!

2009-11-19T11:21:00.002-06:00

okay. i was walking to my office today - for the record, the route to my office is pretty much all high traffic area, full of students... often - and i get up to the top floor on the escalator, and before me is a couple kissing. "well okay" i though, "an affectionate little peck here or there isn't so bad". but then i realized that they weren't stopping.

they were full on, making out, for all the world to see.

what's worse?

i could actually hear them.
i almost barfed.

and so began my day.

hurricane that keeps you there, safe.

2009-11-17T12:25:00.003-06:00

There hasn't even been someone that makes me laugh so much, gives me his shoulder as a kleenex so much, who makes me feel like i'm at home, and makes me so much more like the me i want to be.

This boy, I love. The forever kind of love.

tangles out.

2009-11-13T11:53:00.004-06:00

okay. so this week has been really busy. really really busy. i've worked 7:30-4:45 two days this week, and today was the only day that i came in at 9, which is the time i usually come in. my day off was fantastic, and so necessary. i would have had a melt down had it not been there. that said, work is great and i am liking it very much.

going back to minneapolis soon - time is flying by so fast! that is good. july could get it's but over here and i'd be pumped. but anyways, minneapolis. i am compiling a list of things i want to get. i'm trying to take out a lot of things in my wardrobe, and replacing them with nicer, but fewer, things.

-2 cardigans: one yellow, one navy blue.
-dresses. i want more casual dresses, that i can wear to work and around.
-tights - colored tights. enough said.
-dress pants - one black pair, straight leg and cute. one other pair, to be determined when i find them.
-a few tops.
-brown boots if i happen to find a steal of a deal. otherwise, boots is not on this list.

i look forward to shopping by myself, and doing christmas shopping. i'm REALLY excited to christmas shop. i've made up my list of things to buy people, and i have a real job this year so i can feel less anxiety about the whole thing! lovely.

MLIA.

2009-11-06T09:42:00.002-06:00

andrew introduced me to the funniest website ever.

you should probably go check out my life is average asap.

my favorites from the last two days:

A few years ago, I got a call from my grandmothers nursing home at about 3 in the morning. The nurse frantically explained to me that my grandma had taken an older man hostage, requesting chocolate milk for his safe release. You go, grandma. MLIA

Today, as I was leaving my class, I heard my professor yell "Stop!" I froze. My professor proceeded to run in front on me, and jump on a particularly crunchy leaf. He walked off, and I thought no more of it, until I got +10% on my next test, with the note: For satisfying my inner child. MLIA.

for the keeping.

2009-11-04T11:10:00.002-06:00

fear & uncertainty.

i think that i operate based upon these too things far too often. it affects how i operate, how i relate to people, and how i go about being me on my own and me with others.

i am afraid of hurting people, disappointing people, and being rejected by people.
i am uncertain of my own abilities, my own intelligence, and of what people truly think of me.

this is a really unfortunate existence. it is not my entire existence, but when these two things begin to dominate it really doesn't work out for the better for anyone. so i am discovering. i make bad decisions, or become apathetic. i shut down a bit and hope for the best. it's not a good plan. i also end up being more and more of a push over, and not able to hold to the things that i have a right to feel, right to do, or right to be.

i love the moments when i've felt confident. when it was okay that things weren't all going well, because i had a certain level of certainty when it came to myself. i do not like this current version of uncertain.

i'm also incredibly emotional, which isn't helpful. because sometimes i forget to think about what i'm feeling, and just feel. this is not great when you need to actually make assessments of what's going on and then sort it through on your own or with others.

one day i'll figure out this life thing. until then, i will just keep having moments like right now, when i can really say that there is something to say for hermithood...

anthems sweet.

2009-11-02T22:25:00.003-06:00

pms is seriously the worst.

i cannot think of any other time when i am completely, inexplicably selfish and grumpy. it's terrible. i mean, having dealt with depression on and off for so many years, you'd think i'd get used to mood swings and how to deal with them. but pms is a different league all together. it is its own kind of awful.

inexplicable is one of the best descriptions of it too. there is no rhyme or reason. or if there is either of these things, it gets so blown out of proportion. the end of all things wonderful happens when someone says something in a tone i interpret as less than ecstatic. or when andrew doesn't read my mind (i honestly do my best to keep from that really twisted way of operating as a female, but pms is a nasty thing, really).

i'm not saying i can blame it all on pms. i mean, i still have the ability to rationalize, but sometimes strong emotions that hit fast and hard aren't easy to calm quickly with logic. i can get borderline barbaric. like, i get so frustrated that i just shake a little and make grunting sounds, as if those things will help me articulate myself better, or realize that not having folded my rosette perfectly is OKAY.

in closing, the best quote to sum things up, taken from my friend dana's facebook page:
"My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and that this is my real personality"

Funny.
True.

nothing at all.

2009-10-28T14:59:00.003-05:00

there's no one in my office.
my ipod is playing me a delightful play list.
i'm munching on a nanaimo bar.
i think nanaimo is probably spelt wrong.

really enjoying this moment of solitude. i have much to get organized over here, and am quite pleased to be able to do it. i get to see good friends tonight. i got to see a good friend an hour ago. it's gloomy outside and therefore cozy inside. i feel content.

i feel like i must be forgetting something major to do with the wedding, because i feel very little stress or anxiety about it. which is good. unless i truly am forgetting something.

things i currently need to make more time for:
- down time
- friends
- painting
- keeping my room clean

andrew and i did our engagement photos. i have no more useless things to write here, so i'll just put up some of my favorites.

say "how long" forever.

2009-10-22T10:30:00.004-05:00

my first one!
i went all by myself!
i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

colors seem to fade.

2009-10-20T12:40:00.004-05:00

I need to take pictures again soon. I have kind of fallen off the wagon there. I want to use my film cameras again. I love them very much.

Here are some of the ones I like the most. I'm sorry if that is vain.

a year ago...

2009-10-08T11:05:00.003-05:00

andrew andrew andrew, blah blah blah.
get ready for some more.

current music playing at my desk: the first mix andrew made me.

a year ago andrew and i started to hang out a bit more. at one of our first hang outs, we exchanged mix cd's. i'm listening to the first one right now.

i remember putting it on in my mom's car before i started driving home. i remember listening to the very first song, and i remember feeling really confused. it was cold in my car and it was raining a bit. i was really afraid as i drove home. because i was getting invested, and i hadn't planned on it. the timing was wrong, and i didn't trust anything i felt anymore.

a year ago, i never would have guessed, that mix cd's and that boy would affect me the way they both did. he made me another one, a few weeks later, before i left for new york for a few days. that's all i listened to, for those few days. because i couldn't shake the fact that it couldn't have been conincidence that each song seemed to be oddly romantic and relevant. cheesy? maybe to everyone else. to me? perfect. a week later we started dating. a getting close year later... here i am.

i could not be happier.

sea anemone.

2009-10-06T09:29:00.002-05:00

i've been listening to jets to brazil a lot in the last few days, and it's perfect for fall, in my opinion.

anyways. andrew and i registered at home outfitters yesterday. we figured a registry should have one ridiculous item on it. so...

hehe..

stay up all night.

2009-10-01T10:32:00.004-05:00

i have this overwhelming desire to post. but i couldn't think of something to write. now i have.

so enneagrams. they're numbered personality types. i can't say that i think they define people, but i think enough thought and research has been put into them to pretty accurately sum up a lot of people into the categories. i've been a "4" across the board. i laugh when i read the descriptions, because they're really true. i'm an "individualist".

Summary: " Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."

the more i get into reading them, the more i giggle. part of this personality type is that 4's have a hard time when they fit in too much, and like to be seen as something different. what makes me laugh about that, is that as i read about my personality type, i started getting annoyed that they could sum me up in a group with a bunch of other people (aka everyone else who is a 4). that thought right there kind of allowed me to realize that i was in the right category.

i think it was good to read about though. i personally do not read these to find my identity, or so that i can read a definition of myself. but i do read it to gain a bit of insight into what makes people in general tick, especially those who are not the same as me. i also think that it's helped me to see myself from a bit of an outside view, which in turn helps me to be more aware of what i do and why. which isn't bad.

anyways. that's all i have. cheers.

pet peeves. part 1.

2009-09-28T12:24:00.002-05:00

escalator pet peeves.

1. when someone forgets they have a large backpack, and decides that it's a good idea to turn from side to side for whatever purpose.

2. conversations that happen either at the bottom or top of the escalator, so that those wanting to get on or off have a bit of a harder time.

3. up the down or down the up. funny when there is no one on the escalator. plain stupid when there are.

4. not understanding the stagger method. when there are people coming from either side to get on the escalator, you stagger sides, so that it's even. you don't just jump in because you feel your side superior.

5. and finally, the most annoying of them all: stopping and/or slowing down when getting off the escalator. this is particularly irritating when it's really busy. they're moving stairs people. they don't stop when you decide to.

fortunate fiction.

2009-09-25T09:19:00.002-05:00

dreaming is so strange.

last night i had so many. i only remember a couple. but i also remember waking up a lot last night, each time right out of a strange dream. here are the two that i can recall.

1. someone i'd once dated bought me a gift and i got really upset, and yelled and told them they had no right to anymore, because i was engaged. weird.

2. weirder. i had to go to the bathroom very badly. i really needed to pee, and so i was trying very hard, but for some reason could not. could have had something to do with the fact that there were a bunch of ladies in the room (it was a living room with a toilet on the couch..) coaching me, and i was scared and frustrated. so i told them i didn't have to go anymore. then they started watching "i know what you did last summer", but the killer was an alien. so i snuck out to the legit bathroom and tried to pee. then i woke up. and realized i really had to pee. glad i was so bad at it in my dream...

i wonder if it was something i ate? i haven' t had dreams like that in ages.

autumn's here.

2009-09-22T08:26:00.003-05:00

fall is here, fall is here. i'm so very happy about it! i'm glad we had our bit of sunny and hot weather (and it's not all gone yet), but i just love when the air gets crisp, the leaves change and fall, and boots and jackets start coming out! how wonderful.

this weekend was marvelous. i don't get vacation, because i'm in a term, so it's nice when i can take a day off added to a weekend and take off somewhere! here are some highlights.

andrew and i had a lovely time driving down together, listening to books on tape, and chatting.

after hanging out in rochester, we drove into minneapolis and went to a twins game! i'm not crazy about baseball, but it was a good time and andrew & doug had a lot of fun!

sunday morning we went to the zoo!

the boys had a good time...

saying our goodbye!

all in all it was a lovely visit. we got to see doug and hang out, we went out a lot and had fun, i got to shop (yehaw) and andrew and i had some marvelous conversationing in our car rides to and from.

tell the world.

2009-09-14T15:25:00.004-05:00

today at work, i went to the bathroom. it's a public washroom, as it's in the university. it's the closest to my office and so i've seen it often. over the spring and summer, there wasn't much writing on the walls. but i guess now that school has started, so will the writing. today i looked into the stall and all i could see was...

"playboy".

really? that struck me as so odd. because, if you're going to write on a wall (which i do not condone), why would that be your choice? then i thought about our ability to express ourselves. and why, when we have a marker and a place to write where everyone could see, do we chose to write what we do? why write something like "playboy" and not something like "you are loved" or "i hope you find a reason to smile every day".

i don't know. so here we are. on my blog, which will take the place of my bathroom stall wall, and i just want to say:

you are loved. and i do hope that you find a reason to smile every day. and i think you should know that everyone has bad days but there are always good ones that come after and they are worth the wait. and i think we should all close our eyes and feel the sun shine on us on sunny days, and let that make our heart feel happy. and if you felt sad and needed someone to talk to, that it wouldn't really matter who you were, that i'd very much like to talk to you if you wanted to, or needed to.

that's all.

today part two.

2009-09-09T12:07:00.006-05:00

i was thinking about love today. i think i grew up (probably like many others) with a very fairy tale idea of love. so this is what life has ACTUALLY taught me about the four letter loaded word. humorous and not so humorous.

love is..

- working on a reading list throughout november and december so that when football playoffs come in january you have lots to do while you enjoy the company of someone who really loves football when you don't

- singing back up for each other during your "across the universe" sing-a-longs

- having one of you say the phrase "wiggle room" and you both proceed to spontaneously... wiggle.

- making ridiculous faces at a camera together

- laughing together. a lot.

- someone hugging you and you can tell that how hard they're holding you is as much as they want you to feel that they love you, or that they're sad you're sad, or that they're happy you're happy. and it's knowing that when you hug them you're trying to convey the same message.

- wracking your brain for things you can do for the other person just so you can see them smile and know it was you who made it happen

- deciding that what's more important than having your way is having something that works for you both

finally... love is realizing that part of who you are exists in someone else, and never wanting that to go away.

back to school, back to school.

2009-09-09T08:19:00.004-05:00

first day back at school! for everyone else.
it's kind of strange walking past everyone getting ready for their classes as i walk to my office.

weddingweddingwedding.
sorry if it's tiresome for me to talk about it. i think about it a lot right now (naturally).

we've had an interesting time getting a reception venue. as a result, we might be getting married on july 4th, 2010 (as opposed to the 3rd). independence day wedding. it'll be easy to remember!

i've picked out my colors (finally). which are green and yellow. it'll be summery and fun! i'm going to be making a tonne of stuff by hand, which i'm really excited about. once we have our big stuff out of the way, i can just casually make decorations, place cards (at least the layout), maybe invitations (maybe), and centrepieces! i love getting all crafty.

i found this diy pattern thing for paper lanterns. i'd like ones with thinner paper, so little battery tealights can be shining inside, but if that's too hard i'm fine with this!

calvary.

2009-09-04T09:51:00.005-05:00

so i redid my blog design, and sometimes i just want to stare at it because the colors make me so happy.

fun facts about me right now:

1. i think i've developed a crush on spock from 1st generation star trek (maybe the new movie one too). most people go for the shatner, not this girl. am i the hugest dork ever? possibly.

2. i ran for the first time since the half marathon. i was proud. i could have gone back to bed. but i knew it would be nice and cool and smell wonderful outside and i coaxed myself out of bed. good choice.

3. two weeks until minneapolis round one to visit andrew's (and my) friend doug. i need to find: boots, a fall coat, work dresses/skirts, work tops, a black cardigan, and other such things. i like these boots here. i'm a fan of the mid length boot.

4. andrew & i will be doing engagement photos in the fall with all the lovely colors and i'm very much looking forward to it. it'll be really fun!!!

5. i think i'm developing a bit of a backbone. which is nice. empathy is one of my strongest characterstics. its' a blessing and a curse though. because i care about people a lot. which is good. but sometimes i care about them more than me, to the point where i'm at fault for things they did. which is not good. more and more lately i've been able to step back and realize that i don't need to deal with some things, or somtimes that i do, but not in a way that makes me feel like i'm responsible for things i'm not. it's kind of nice. i can really credit it almost 100% to andrew. because we are quite opposite in some of our views, but it balances well. so he's got the logic and i've got the empathy, and you put it together and you have a very understanding and logical couple. haha.

6. this weekend is going to be really good. i will spend lots of time outside in the sun, i will go to the beach with jess maybe, and i will get lots of time with andrew.

content!

someday you will.

2009-09-02T10:36:00.003-05:00

okay. so heidi is my hero, and send me the link to this wedding blog:
www.oncewed.com

it's amazing.

here are some of my greatest loves thus far. some i'm keeping to myself. i like allowing some things to be surprising...

i thought these were pretty neat:

i also really never liked the idea of indoor pictures, but then found some really awesome ones. so i think i have to figure out a rain plan, just in case, but i'm not sad about that anymore which is nice. i didn't want to feel sad about indoor pictures, but i couldn't help it. thank you blog.

i also saw this. if i was getting married outside, i think i might want to have my bridesmaids wear these. i think i want a pair of cowboy boots now. i didn't before. but they're SO cute with dresses.

fun fun fun ideas. i love just looking. and dreaming up a wedding that will suit me and andrew.

your heart, my home.

2009-08-31T11:41:00.003-05:00

some of the best things ever.

1. andrew. kind of a given.
2. thrift store jeans that fit you perfectly, but not your three best friends also.
3. waking up early to the sun. not because it's early, but because it's the sun.
4. putting my wedding together, and making it my own.
5. "the old house" - matt epp. my sister showed it to me for wedding purposes. it will get used.
6. watching episode after episode of star trek. i don't care how nerdy that sounds. it's so good.
7. a clean, somewhat put together, room.
8. mike and meghan being married.
9. making plans to paint again.
10. andrew. again. because he's the one i'm going to marry. i can't say that to myself and NOT get butterflies.

the luckiest.

2009-08-24T09:14:00.006-05:00

i don't get many things right the first time,

in fact, i am told that a lot.
now i know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here.

and where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
now I see it everyday
and I know

that I am, I am, I am
the luckiest

what if I'd been born fifty years before you
in a house on a street where you lived?
maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
would I know?

and in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
and I know

that I am, I am, I am
the luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
that I know

that I am, I am, I am
the luckiest

engaged!
08.15.09

one thing that i adore.

2009-08-14T09:54:00.002-05:00

current loveliest things.

- listening to "a girl like you" by pete yorn
- talking until almost 1 am with jill in our room
- new hair cuts
- feeling free and independent
- looking forward to a lovely evening out with andrew to the forks, & my favorite restaurant
- breakfast dates
- re-reading a book that completely captures my attention
- peach pie
- hugs from my dad
- being able to walk to see jess & jon
- future type things
- being able to walk to and from work
- trips coming up to minneapolis. i love planning for trips.

happy!

love & interruption.

2009-08-07T09:50:00.003-05:00

it feels so good to accomplish something you set out to do. seriously.

i moved out, finally. it feels good! i'm sharing a room, and from what i've seen so far, it's going to be a really good time - we don't' seem to wake up to each other in the night or morning. bonus.

i bought a rolling rack to compensate for my lack of closet, and ashli came over and helped me x1 000 000 and all my clothes are hung up and in the drawers, and my half of the room is looking like a room! for the record, was VERY excited about the rolling rack.

andrew came over the other night and we just sat against my headboard on my bed with my laptop and watched and episode of bbc's robin hood. it's so good. it was just nice and relaxing and made my home so much more like home.

speaking of him. nine months! yay! i've never been happier. he is simply the most wonderfulest.

2009-07-31T12:25:00.003-05:00

there are days when all you can do is sit back and stare out a window at the grey sky that is reflecting your mood far too well.

my heart is breaking, my mind is full, i feel paralyzed. and it has little to do with me.

in your care we confess our deepest sigh, even so, Lord Jesus come.

there are moments in our lives that change them forever. sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes it cannot be defined as either, because what it starts with (good or bad) is not always what it ends with. i sit here watching the lives of people around me be altered forever, both through a death of a son, and through very serious injury. and i feel sorrow on their behalf, i feel helpless on mine, and... all i can do is continue to look out my window.

ready & waiting to fall.

2009-07-28T10:25:00.004-05:00

i am feeling very content lately, which i'd take over just being happy. because contentedness bring happiness, but happiness does not bring contentedness & is much more fickle.

i'm looking forward to moving. i will miss family & the comforts of home, but i think it is a good time to move.

it's the small things that get me excited. like buying towels. i bought towels. i was beaming. i'm figuring out the other things i need & just thinking about them gets me giddy. cheap thrills, but i'll take it.

jess & jon got back and it's wonderful knowing they aren't leaving again, at least not for a long while. the instant she got home andrew started to laugh at how similar we are. ie: we get ridiculously excited when we get new clothes and have to show each other. fact: the nayler girls have a tradition of fashion shows immediately after shopping. i forget that he hasn't been around them more than just christmas break this year. boy is he in for a treat.

in other news, one of the youth at my church had a really horrible accident at camp and is in the children's hospital with several breaks. she's really athletic, beautiful & wonderful, and it breaks my heart that she's in this much pain. praypraypray.

la la la la la.

2009-07-22T11:10:00.007-05:00

1. i'm moving out. i am very excited. i did not think it would be this soon, and i'm excited and nervous and excited some more.

2. jess and jon come back sunday! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

3. i recently lifted my internet shopping ban, and will be receiving these in the mail soon from urban outfitters! (i love mail!):

i think i will feel very pretty in this one.

another scarf. it was on sale. they all were actually.

gosh i love dragons. i think andrew will like this one.

i was not allowed to get one more grey, brown, black or white item. yellow's not bad. for a color.

leaves become so beautiful.

2009-07-20T16:22:00.002-05:00

it's july 20th today.

it has not felt like summer, and now it's more than halfway done.
i have not been able to swim and play in the sun like i wanted to. i have not stargazed. i have been to the beach once and it was very cold. i have not flown our kite yet.

sniffle.

yet at the same time, there's plenty to look forward to right now. jess & jon are home in six days. six days! also, fun weddings will be happening in august. and a cabin weekend. so that's great. and i'm looking forward to the fall. but i can wait for fall, if summer wants to come for real.

twenty four.

2009-07-16T08:25:00.004-05:00

i might post something not about andrew one day. but for now...
the odds are good that i was more excited for andrew's birthday than he was. haha. i bought him a ben folds t-shirt, which i was super excited about, we had sushi, and...

i learned how to make and use fondant!

birthday boy!!!!!

tonight i'm taking him out for fancy shmancy dinner, and the birthday will be complete! excited.

day of rest.

2009-07-13T09:21:00.003-05:00

falcon lake. so good.
well, it was way colder than it should be in july, but i tried laying on the beach anyways. lasted about an hour. we just didn't think very hard about sunscreen because it was so cold, and thus we both got hilariously burned. we giggled a lot. my mom did not.

we lunched, hiked, mini golfed (andrew won), went out for dinner, and drove back to winnipeg.
essentially it was just the most perfect time to have had. i got to spend the whole day with andrew, we had no real obligations all day, and i laughed more than i have in a long time.

wonderful.

you're lovely.

2009-07-09T09:36:00.007-05:00

saturday.

for whatever reason(s), my heart has felt less okay lately. less okay for a longer period of time than usual. i have felt very insecure & defeatable & just not very good. although he does so very willingly, andrew has had to put up with a lot of girly nonsense.

i think i have shut myself down in a lot of areas in my life. i'm sorting out a lot. i have found that changes that are good for me personally are changing a lot of other things for me. and at the end have found myself more alone than i've felt in a long time. i guess in a way i'm growing into the changes that are happening with or without my consent, and am becoming more of a... adult. an adult with a healthy dose of immaturity. for the record.

so saturday. back to it. andrew and i conjured up a wonderful plan for the day that i think will do my heart a lot of good.

-i'm going over and making andrew breakfast for when he wakes up
-we're running an errand in the city
-driving out to falcon lake
-picnic lunch!
-hiking and swimming
-mini golf
-dinner at the falcon lake bakery bistro
-sunset watching
-picture taking

it's pretty much going to be the perfect day for me & andrew is the best ever because he's not really into beach stuff ect, but is doing it for me. i'm so excited for the whole day especially because i'm looking out the window at work at a dark & rainy sky.

sunshine is coming back.

they have not seen the stars, not one, not one.

tidal wave.

short lists.

better after.

my wandering.

less to be consoled.

fall clothing makes me smile.

15:30 - 17:30

beehive.

a time.

the weight of a life.

More stories of an arachnophobic

sewing project the first.

i can hear you now.

courage, dear heart.

boom boom boom.

and then i might.

just enough time.

fall back down.

photodates.

no feud tonight.

hail to the pillow thief part 2.

hail to the pillow thief.

jill & nathan.

your ghost.

Living quite long.

beneath the sheets of paper, lies my truth.

on the list of things that only i would manage to do...

all this time.

dark blue, dark blue.

put your hand to your forehead and let your knees buckle.

then spring became summer.

one thing that i adore.

eutopia.

dream clenching.

this is a tale for all the fellas.

two friends.

wake up april, it'll be summer soon.

two dreams.

Bad wedding dream #3.

growing up.

blend in.

toppers.

storm cloud, over my head.

you, or your memory.

bird's eye.

tag, you're it.

slingback.

A brief rant on customer service.

tree climber.

tap dance.

wedding dreams.

the immeasurable value in vulnerability, and how we see it later.

different things to me.

someone hear our chatter.

fromage.

nothing's better.

follow me down.

thoughts on waking up and realizing that you are, in fact, an adult.

i love my family, i love our christmas.

one small instrument.

consumerized.

between the fireflies.

train leaving grey.

gross!

hurricane that keeps you there, safe.

tangles out.

MLIA.

for the keeping.

anthems sweet.

nothing at all.

say "how long" forever.

colors seem to fade.

a year ago...

sea anemone.

stay up all night.

pet peeves. part 1.

fortunate fiction.

autumn's here.

tell the world.